"You're adjusting well?"
Those were the first words Myungsoo ever said to him since he came to Seoul. Not even 'hi' or 'i miss you'; more like 'hey, are you listening to me?' or 'is anyone home?' hence the question mark. Likely that Myungsoo wasn't even totally focused on the task at hand - that is, actually conversing with him - but on more utilitarian pursuits like what sort of suit to wear today or what stocks were most profitable to invest in.
"Yes. How are you?" He let go of his brand new iPhone and settled it between his shoulder and ear, walking to the modest closet. Red, green, blue. The blue ones go right on top of the green ones, and the red - wait, how the hell did a thong this color get in his underwear pile?
"I'm well, thanks for asking. Have you eaten? I could make a few calls if you're not up to sampling the cafeteria food-"
Lu Han sighed. He did his best to say the next words in a way that would conceal his growing irritation. "No, Myungsoo. I'll be fine. I'm actually looking forward to trying out the kimchi burgers and spicy cheese fries."
He could hear Myungsoo's grimace over the other line. "Don't eat too much of that. French fries aren't good for you, in any incarnation. Kimchi, on the other hand, has amazing health benefits. I'm not too sure how those benefits would hold up in a burger, though. Too greasy."
Lu Han actually laughed. Sometimes Myungsoo was endearingly concerned for all the stupid reasons; it reminded him a bit of when they were little kids playing in the backyard and Myungsoo would warn him of poisonous toads that turned out to be harmless tree frogs or cute (if slimy) lizards. Lu Han would always insist on taking it to the kitchen to eat the legs and Myungsoo would exhaust the strength of his little legs dragging frog after frog back to the small pond.
"Lu Han?"
"Yes?"
"Don't eat it." Myungsoo paused, then added a firm but quiet, "Please."
"Don't worry." Lu Han kicked the lower drawer closed with his heel. That was the finishing touch of his move, then. "I promise I won't get fat. Especially around the thigh area."
"I never-"
"I promise, aside from that, maximum enjoyment from my skinny thighs when I grip your head-"
Myungsoo chokes on air. Lu Han will bet his ass and various other limbs that Myungsoo is actually imagining it.
Sometimes he can't help but pity his poor, handsome betrothed, who refuses to touch him until they're actually married. Who does that, anyway? Then again, arranged marriages between men were not of common occurrence either. Might as well go all out and insist on going through the we-must-be-virgins-until-the-wedding-night thing most cultures were hellbent on preserving.
His friends who had never met Myungsoo insist that Lu Han refused to touch Myungsoo because he was ugly. Or that they secretly hated each other so much and Myungsoo frequented the brothels and massage parlors as much as Lu Han did the ktv bars. They couldn't be further from the truth. Myungsoo was just frustratingly proper. As a result, he was nineteen and, sadly, still a virgin. Even though he could very well "get it anytime" (and that was supposedly one of the best pros of being betrothed from a very young age), Myungsoo wasn't having any of that.
Even though he'd tried various ploys of seduction like dressing up in ridiculously soft silk night gowns and bursting into Myungsoo's room in the middle of the night, attempting to sneak a hand down Myungsoo's pants when they had their weekly dinner with each other's parents, and playing the damsel in distress card i.e. pretending to be really bad at something and asking for help, then telling Myungsoo that he was so good at solving these complicated equations and would he maybe like oral sex in return.
Which led to the conclusion that Myungsoo was both the best and worst fiance. And Lu Han was shaming generations of ancestors, damning their souls to hell for trying to have premarital sex with him.
"Lu Han, please, now is not-"
"Goodbye, darling. I'll see you soon."
"You're really pretty," was what his roommate Yixing said dryly, grinning when Lu Han looked his way. "I know girls who'd cheerfully murder for your lips. And lashes. Seriously, you're the only guy I know who wears falsies."
"For the last time," he said, checking his reflection and frowning at his hair, "I never wore falsies and I never plan to. Don't you have art class?"
Yixing smiled at him serenely. "Staring at you isn't a half-bad substitute."
Lu Han rolled his eyes. If he actually wore falsies, he'd be half-blind by now. "If you throw me any pick-up lines about my body being like a work art, I'm going to punch you."
"Pretty but pretty narcissistic." Yixing rolled over, burying his face in his pillow, naked back and the waistband of his boxers exposed to Lu Han. "Bye," he mumbled to the cushion, and then, "no bringing strange boys back to our room after ten."
Lu Han, though he hated to admit it, was torn between grinning and blushing at the same time. He wondered if he ever thought, when he met Yixing three weeks ago, that he would turn out to be this blunt. All he got of his roommate then was the distinct impression of being high on some kind of depressant 24/7.
"I should be telling you the same thing," he called out, taking care to close the door to their room carefully.
It was too hot outside, so he popped a few buttons of his collar open. To hell with what Myungsoo wanted, which was, to quote verbatim, "downplay his physical appearance". Sure, it made Lu Han a little giddy because it was essentially Myungsoo-speak for both "You're beautiful" and "I don't want anyone else looking at you". It didn't mean he had to follow it all the time, though. Just because Myungsoo thought himself some alpha male who could dominate Lu Han's every will and whimsy didn't mean exercised that much control. Lu Han liked to let him think he did, but being away from Myungsoo gave him freedom where it counted.
Too bad most faces in the university bored the fuck out of him. He could let his eyes roam free, but ninety percent of the time he didn't like what he saw, anyway. People-watching on the grass and pretending to type papers in the cafe while secretly scouting for someone interesting enough to talk to was beginning to look like a moot exercise.
That is, until, he went inside the library.
"I'm looking for The Great Philosophers of the 19th Century by Hicks. Eighteenth edition," he said, leaning over the high wooden counter at the lone boy bent over a stack of papers, back and behind to him. He couldn't help his eyes going downwards - it was the natural progression to take for a body so long, lean and slim. His ass was rounder than the rest of him, like everything he ate went straight to it and nowhere else. Lu Han could sympathize, really, with his thigh problem and all.
The boy turned around, looking at Lu Han blankly. Now that all he had was front-view, Lu Han saw that he was in a long, black sweater that reached his hips. It accentuated his height and leanness in ways that made Lu Han kind of want to jump him right then and there. No product on his hair so it lay flat and silky against his head. A little messier and it would have looked like he was hungover, but he managed to make it look good, sexy even.
Lu Han was too busy staring at him so he started in surprise when the boy spoke.
"Bookshelf aisle 7." He furrowed his brows minutely. "You didn't read the orientation pamphlet, did you."
Fucking wow. His sleepy voice went off Lu Han's head like a ten-piece symphony, even though he absolutely knew shit about symphonies apart from the fact that they were nice to listen to. Supposedly.
"No. Am I supposed to?"
"A real comedian, are you."
"And you're a master of the sarcastic question posed as a statement." Sarcasm was the lowest form of wit, and he was displaying it right now. Lu Han decided they were both idiots. Stupid for staring at each other too long.
"What's your name, freshman?" the boy finally asked, cutting through the tense silence.
"I'm a transfer student, so that's sophomore to you." Lu Han took a teeny bit satisfaction from the way the boy's skin between his eyebrows creased even deeper. "I'm Lu Han."
"Sehun," he mumbled, in a way that was almost like he was sleeptalking. Whatever, it still sounded like the fucking psalms to Lu Han. Maybe he was more sexually frustrated than he thought. "I'm the same year."
A few minutes later, he got his book, checked it out with a coy wink and slip of paper containing his number and thanked his lucky stars that he didn't feel like climbing into a microwave out of embarrassment. The crush and swooning stuff wasn't hard for him to stomach, surprisingly, considering that he didn't feel very nervous around his first and only crush so far (his childhood fiance, of course).
He was so caught up in the thought of Sehun, there was even a moment when he failed to recognize his own door.
"Dumb blonde," Yixing teased, smirking at the big red mark on his forehead, a sign for all the world that he was an idiot in the beginning stages of infatuation.
The library quickly became his favorite study spot. The aroma of coffee from expensive french press and the addictive lure of sunshine and breeze paled in comparison to the dusty, sort of dingy old library.
He was kind of insane for even stringing those words together, but he dared anyone else to tell that the hot library intern on the third floor wasn't worth it. Besides, few people ventured up because most of the time, the antiquated elevator was out. It was the perfect place to secretly date Sehun. All without Sehun's knowledge.
"You're persistent, I'll give you that," a bored voice snapped at him, louder than normal. Good thing they were the only people on the floor, or else Sehun would have to fine himself.
Before he could think to do otherwise, his mouth fell open. "I - no hablo Ingles?" he hazarded. Sehun met this attempt with a blank stare, lips pressing into a thin, white line. Lu Han forced a breathless chuckle and tried again: "Sorry, that's kind of an automatic defense mechanism. For when some... people... come looking for me. I try to tell them I'm not the person they're looking for."
Sehun stared at him for a long, awkward moment, before scoffing. "You're hard to miss with that hair. And those eyes. Plus... You honestly think you can pass for Latino? Really?"
Lu Han found himself unable to hold back a smile. "You're saying you find my looks one of a kind?"
"Hard to miss," Sehun repeated, wrinkling his brows. He barely blinked, let alone made an actual facial expression. Maybe he was a robot trained to resist all sexual advances of gorgeous boys.
"I'll take that as a yes." Lu Han sat back, aura of self-satisfaction radiating out of him in waves.
"Look, I have to put those books back on the shelf," Sehun said, exasperation adding a sharp edge to his tone. "And I'm not comfortable with you just watching me."
Lu Han adopted a look of abject hurt. "I try to myself as inconspicuous as possible." He grinned. "Unless you're saying I'm really that hard to miss."
"Believe what you want." Sehun stood up, almost startling Lu Han, like Sehun's leaving was a line that got tangled around his ankle and he was dragged down with the wreck. "I'm going to do my work. Please don't disturb me."
Lu Han ended up standing himself and helping Sehun anyway. Sehun sometimes looked torn between asphyxiating him in his sleep (not good) and wanting to eat him (in the best way possible), licking his lips like he was contemplating how Lu Han tasted like sweaty and panting on his bed.
Of course, that may just be Lu Han's overactive imagination talking.
He kept himself up way after Yixing exhausted his mouth chatting with him about study drugs and the hot half-Canadian swimming coach he managed to snag a date with. He did the most predictable thing, which was jerk off to thoughts of Sehun fucking him into the grass as the smell of books permeated the air around them.
When he came into his hands, the excess spilling on his comforters, he cursed Myungsoo. It was the first time that he felt their arrangement become an imposition that he didn't want to bear.
Two months passed with him secretly dating Sehun. He still thought it was without Sehun's knowledge, but he had no presence of mind to ask whether Sehun now knew or not.
Sometimes when he looked at Sehun, he felt something big tear through him (he'd told Yixing this and Yixing always joked that it was the ghost of Sehun's huge imaginary cock) - it felt like a powerful root, the kind seen in mountains sometimes splitting apart chunks of granite as big as small homes, only instead of granite, it was splitting him apart. His chest felt heavy, wound tight with unsaid feelings.
"Who's this from?" Yixing said, tearing through the bubble wrap of the care package with all the grace of a lion sinking its teeth into a gazelle. He triumphantly held up about six mochi packs and two macaroon cartons from some fancy cafe in France.
"Read the front." What would Sehun like more, he thought. Lindt or Ferrero? Choices, choices.
"It says 'All my love, KM.' Who's KM?" Yixing's smile reached his eyes as he whistled obnoxiously. "Secret admirer? Must be a rich fuck."
"Maybe." Lu Han stood up to reach for the Lindt Mint Chocolate that he knew was below the gourmet shrimp crackers. "I have way too many to keep track of."
He received a message an hour later. Has the package arrived? KM.
Yes.
I trust they're all to your liking? If anything is or past the expiry date or ruined beyond recognition, crushed, melted and other similar occurrences, message me asap.
They're all fine.
"This is..." Sehun chewed off a piece of the chocolate thoughtfully. "Really good. Wow, I - wow."
Lu Han giggled, pressing another piece of half-melted chocolate, warmed from his fingertips, on Sehun's bottom lip.
Will you be needing any more?
This is okay. Thank you.
Lu Han paused. Sehun was looking straight at him, without any visible annoyance or any of those unfortunate facial expressions that had so plagued Sehun the entire time Lu Han was working with him in the library. He was about to lower his fingers with the chocolate, expecting to be snapped at or glared at - but he didn't expect the response he got. Sehun's hand slid along his shoulder, and up around the back of his neck, fingers weaving gently into his hair. Once he had his hand on the back of Lu Han's head, he shoved Lu Han's lips into his own.
Lu Han, expectedly, dropped the chocolate.
I sent you your favorite macaroons. Did you see them? I'm sorry I wasn't able to get them last time.
You worry too much about the little things, Myungsoo. I told you, they're okay. Really!
It was his second kiss. His first kiss was with Myungsoo when he was fourteen and Myungsoo was eighteen. He had straddled Myungsoo on the floor of his room, squeezing his biceps to hold him down, as he leaned down to take his first and so far last kiss. Myungsoo had pushed him off and told him that they were being dangerously improper, warning him that he shouldn't do it again especially with their parents just outside in the living room.
They had entered the living room a few minutes later. Myungsoo was asked to sit beside his father and Lu Han noted how he kept crossing his legs every so often, even shoving a throw pillow into his lap. It was a small victory that was never to be repeated again, especially with how Myungsoo always watched out for whatever advances he had planned from then on.
It was his second kiss, and he kissed back as hard as he can, moving his lips against Sehun's as he tongued Sehun's teeth, experimentally digging his teeth into Sehun's lower lip. Moaning into Sehun's mouth, he shoved all thoughts of Myungsoo into the back of his mind and kissed harder, ferocity increasing as their breaths became shorter and shallower.
I only worry about the little things regarding your wellbeing. I'm sorry if that disturbs you.
Oh, don't sulk. And I could see you pouting from a million miles away.
Sliding a leg behind Sehun's, Lu Han rubbed his hips into the other boy's, felt his black jeans get tight as he got hard. Sehun bucked against him, turning them over and pushing Lu Han against the bookshelf. Cool wood hit him on the shoulder blades, the small of his back, the backs of his legs and neck; the spines of the books knocked into his head.
Then Sehun went and cupped his ass.
"Sehun," he hissed, cleaving to Sehun, even as he tried to worm further into the shelf and found that this did not separate him from Sehun at all. "Sehun, as much as I want to... not here. My first time here is...." Lu Han gave another, slower kiss - drawing it out like poison from a snakebite - and then pressed one into his jaw, which he idly noted had a small smearing of chocolate.
"F-first time?" Sehun spoke for the first time since kissing him, sleepy eyes blown wide. "You mean-"
"Well, yeah."
"I'm sorry," Sehun whispered, uncharacteristically docile as he pushed himself off Lu Han. "I just thought - with all the times you came on... on to me. That you had, you know-"
"Experience?" Lu Han chuckled quietly. "No. I just really, really like you."
I'm not pouting.
Sure you aren't.
Glad to see everything is alright over there. All my love.
Call you soon.
"You're weird," Yixing non-ironically told him later that night. He was giddily imitating a middle school teenage girl, talking to Yixing a mile a minute about the the almost-loss of his virginity to his secret boyfriend who was now not-so-secret. Sehun now knew, of course, otherwise he couldn't explain how Sehun had the gall to palm his ass like a piece of meat he was dying to thoroughly enjoy.
Lu Han thought about it for a moment. "How am I weird?"
Yixing rolled his eyes and went back to texting his latest conquest. That hot half-Canadian dude must be a sucker for semi-drugged art students who only remembered to reply to texts a century after the fact.
"You've been obsessing over this guy for almost the entire first term, and when he finally gives you nookie, you bail? The fuck is wrong with you?" He said all this in a decidedly casual tone, like he was just talking about the weather. Typical, perpetually high Yixing.
"I didn't bail," Lu Han corrected, and Yixing snorted, "I just said I didn't want my first time to be in the library."
"My first time was in the back of my first boyfriend's car, in my highschool parking lot," Yixing said. "I had my face shoved in a car cushion slathered in three-week old McD's fry grease and I still think it was a damn great first time."
Lu Han tried to sweep away the mental image. "Um. What the fuck."
Yixing shrugged. "Fry grease, library dust. Same thing. Except I hear you can like, develop asthma from library dust."
"As opposed to heart failure from fry grease?" Lu Han said dryly.
"Better your heart fail with a popped cherry than with... asthma and a virgin ass-"
"Just stop, hearing you talk makes me die from secondhand embarrassment. Really."
"It's obvious to me that you've been frustrated. And that's a really nice word for your weird stalkerish tendencies and those even weirder sounds you make at night when you think I'm asleep."
Lu Han had the decency to blush. Oops.
"I think you should give in to your urges and fuck the guy senseless. Whenever, wherever. Love chooses no time and place. Your boner follows the same philosophy. Mind over matter." Yixing reached over his side of the nighstand and took out a small tube out of the middle drawer. He threw it over to Lu Han who caught it effortlessly. "That Park guy is holding a party tomorrow at the Kappa dorm and you're both going, right? That'll come in handy."
Lu Han frowned at the unlabeled plastic tube. "And this is for?"
Yixing looked at him strangely. "You're kidding."
"No?"
"Come on, Lu Han. That's every little gay boy's best friend." Yixing shook his head. "Sometimes you're this really smart, wise guy and other times you're like this sheltered kid who knows nothing about the world. Make up your mind."
Lu Han swallowed, not telling Yixing that he was kind of right on both counts, and pocketed the tube.
Lu Han belatedly finds out that the party is, in fact, hosted by Park Chanyeol, a junior, also Sehun's erstwhile boyfriend.
"Ex-friend with benefits, more like it," Sehun said in a tone that told Lu Han exactly how how much he still cared, which was not a lot. "We fooled around a few times. He holds parties like this at the end of every term and that's where we first met."
Lu Han was genuinely surprised to find this out. "I didn't know you were the type to mess around."
Sehun shrugged. "It was cool the first few times. Lost its appeal real quick when it became obvious to me that I was just another fuck. He was in love with this other junior, Do Kyungsoo, all along. Apparently they're childhood friends, knew each other from the same neighborhood and everything. They're together now, so good for him."
"You sound like you're happy for him."
"I am, I guess. No hard feelings. He was a good guy." And that was the end of that, before they were ushered into the party by two drunk girls, one of whom tried to feel Lu Han up as he passed by. Sehun's murderous look didn't go unnoticed by Lu Han, and he inwardly cackled in triumph, already feeling drunk enough to pass out in happiness.
Parties were pointless if you weren't going to go out and get hammered beyond belief until you were no longer identifiable as a human being, so Lu Han and Sehun separated for a while to commingle with other partygoers. Sehun found some friends whom Lu Han recognized as Kim Jongin and company, and went over to chat. Meanwhile, Lu Han behaved like a tramp, letting some guys and a few girls grope his ass as he drank all the offered tequila shots mixed with salt and lemon until he adopted a peculiar kind of swaying walk.
His first thought as he staggered towards Sehun's direction: get Kim Jongin away.
Second thought: If Myungsoo found any of this out, he was fucked.
He decided to sacrifice both his dignity and half his sobriety to the deities tonight for the off-chance that there were no secret hired bodyguards at this party, and yanked Sehun to him, effectively pulling him out of Kim Jongin's axis of seduction.
"Lu Han, hey-"
He gazed at Sehun blearily, squinting as thought Sehun was shining too brightly to behold. Lu Han reached out a hand and stroked his cheek. Sehun grabbed hold of his fingers.
"You've had too many drinks. Are you okay?"
"Not okay," Lu Han mumbled, "Just... feeling off."
"Gonna puke kind of off?" Sehun said warily. "C'mon, let's get you to the toilet. Hopefully we're first in the queue."
There was no one in line so Sehun gently led Lu Han forward and locked the door. The toilet was more elegant than the rest of the dorm - the floors, counters, and shower walls coated in classy beige paint; the glass on the shower door, frosted; the towel hanging on the bars thick and new.
He wanted to remember all the intricate details because this very well may be the night.
Sehun was bent over the lid, lifting it up for Lu Han to puke in. But he wasn't really in any kind of puking mood. To be honest all he wanted to do was-
Reach down and pulled Sehun back up by the collar of his nice shirt, ignore Sehun's tiny grunt of protest, quickly wrap his arms around Sehun's neck and kiss him before he could get another word in. Sehun was stiff for a moment before he slowly started responding, and when did, oh boy, it was like nothing Lu Han had ever experienced. The makeout session in the library was now akin to tame foreplay compared to how Sehun's mouth latched onto his neck, how his hands untucked Lu Han's shirt from his jeans and started roaming the bare flesh of his stomach.
Before Lu Han knew it, Sehun had abruptly pulled away, lips red and cheeks flushed prettily. "Lu Han, I'm sorry - I know you don't want it to be like this-"
Lu Han huffed and pulled Sehun's body back to him so hard their chests bumped. He could feel a slight ache near his heart when he said, "No, I definitely want this to happen. Now," and shoved the tube hidden in his pocket in Sehun's hand. Sehun's eyes grew a fraction wider. "That'll come in handy. I was told. By um, my roommate."
"That's - you -" And Sehun cut himself off, grabbing Lu Han by the waist and kissing him hard enough to bruise, mouth hot and insistent. Lu Han found himself pulling Sehun closer to him, cock going from soft to hard in a matter of seconds.
Sehn shoved his thigh between Lu Han's legs; Lu Han groaned. Sehun broke the kiss and clasped a hand over Lu Han's mouth.
"Quiet," Sehun whispered, kissing frantically Lu Hans earlobe, then cheek, then neck, as he ground against him.
This was it. This was really it.
But quiet? Was Sehun kidding, he wanted to say, but couldn't. Instead, he rutted mindless against Sehun's hard thigh, swallowing back moans and groans that threatened to leave his mouth and kissing Sehun's palm. Their cocks were rubbing occasionally against each other, and it was getting painful because of the tight clothes he convinced himself were fashionable to wear, but fuck if Sehun could stop. Fuck, more-
It was inappropriate on so many levels - they were only a few meters away from a hundred kids or so, and he was supposed to have that thing called self-control, and more importantly, a fiance. But for the life of him, Lu Han couldn't stop grinding himself against Sehun. It was one thing to fuck in a mouldy car, but fucking for the first time in a tiny room where other people could so easily bang the door down and see was a different thing altogether.
He went for Lu Han's pants, unbuttoned, unzipped, shoved his fire engine red briefs down over his hips. Lu Han's knees trembled with the effort of keeping itself up as Sehun went down on his knees and sucked him off. He had no one to compare it to, because hell would freeze over before Myungsoo ever decided to give him a blowjob before marriage, but as far as blowjobs went this one was pretty fantastic.
"Turn around," Sehun said.
"Okay." Lu Han beamed at him, that ear-to-ear I'm about to get lucky smile.
He was expecting a finger in his ass or two, just like what he read online a few hours before dressing up for the party. Instead there was warmth over Lu Han's bare hips, as Sehun braced his arms either side of Lu Han's ass.
And there it was - hot, wet breath gusted over Lu Han's bare skin, and then Sehun kissed him at the very base of his spine. The movement was so soft as he moved back down, the wetness barely nudging the edge of sensation until evaporation set in. Sehun moved at a snail's pace almost, methodical, licking over a march over to the centre, where his fingers were gently edging deeper. Groans gurgled out of Lu Han's throat, head lolling weakly toward the hard tile the moment Sehun spread him properly and opened his mouth. He felt his abdominal muscles clench, trying not to crumple up from Sehun's tongue.
Then the sensation was gone, to be entirely replaced by an odd mixture of pain and pleasure.
"You ready?" Sehun said, and his finger was impossibly slick, coated with uncomfortably cold-
"Lubricant? That was lubricant?" Lu Han said breathlessly.
"You didn't know?" Sehun asked nonchalantly, working a second finger inside him. "How come you brought it?"
"I told you," Lu Han hissed, though not from anger, but from the odd mix of arousal and discomfort, "my roommate told me to bring it. Said it was handy for... this."
"I see." He didn't know - or care - whether Sehun was pleased or pissed with this kind of information, especially when he felt something thick and hot slipping between his cheeks. It felt weird; Sehun was harder and bigger than he'd estimated, but warm when he filled him up. It hurt like a bitch at first thrust, and Lu Han clamped down on the tears of pain and braced himself as Sehun held onto his hips.
It was only about five minutes later, when they'd already begun a deep rhythm of in and out, moaning and clawing at each other's backs, that someone screamed for them to get out because it was his turn to pee.
It was also only then that Lu Han realized Sehun wore no condom.
They fucked for a second time before it happened, before it started growing in him.
This time Lu Han was sober, but he didn't remember all the details. He didn't remember the door to Sehun's dorm, all those stairs to the second story, the clatter they made making their way down the deserted hall, never turning on the room lights as they fell into the single bed. He didn't even remember how all their clothes came off. Hell, he couldn't even unbuckle Sehun's belt properly; Sehun was the one who had to do it himself. Once those were off, Lu Han's unleashed his inner pacman and ate Sehun's dick alive.
There was something about his dick. He remembered that. It was amazing how delicate the hair around his pubic region was, thin coils of black; he couldn't help but notice them when Sehun's legs parted for him. He took his throbbing dick into his mouth and began to make earnest work of licking it. He expected some kind of foul taste that'll make him gag, but to his surprise it was not entirely unpleasant to the palate.
He could make a living out of sucking cock if they tasted like this, he thought, watching with fascination as Sehun's legs began to tremble.
He was a mouth virgin, but he knew enough. Like when to stop and when to straddle Sehun's stomach, his own cock against Sehun's bellybutton. He eased back slightly, allowed Sehun's cold fingers to invade his hole. It was still as painful as before, and he wondered how many times of sex on Sehun's bed would it take for the pre-fucking burn to completely dissipate.
Probably never.
Sehun slicked his own dick up, got Lu Han ready. It took the whole tube, and he left a smear of lube on Lu Han's hip when he finished. A second later, Lu Han sat down on his cock, hissing out a breath between his teeth, swallowing a grunt. The first few shallow thrusts were what Lu Han liked to call 'baby pumps', like Sehun was feeling around inside him for that special spot. Yixing was insisting that a guy's spot didn't actually exist. Lu Han, even after his first time, could already tell Yixing's boyfriends were bad in bed or he was too drugged to tell the difference between prostate and colon.
Lu Han bent his body forwards, nipping at Sehun's bottom lip, and Sehun involuntarily gave it to him a little harder.
"You can do better," Lu Han said, and Sehun wrinkled his nose at the challenge. He moved faster, Lu Han's body tightening up hard against every single thrust upwards.
"You feel so good," Sehun panted, as softly as he can. There was no need to, really, because they were alone. "You're so good-"
"- you too. A little more. Faster," Lu Han whispered back, bouncing up and down according to the established rhythm. "Come on, do it, do me, want you to-"
Both hands went tight on Lu Han's hips, and Sehun finished almost embarrassingly fast. Sehun's roommate Joonmyeon was probably out there, waiting, figuratively clutching onto his man-pearls, but by fucking god, Sehun was the one with his cock up Lu Han's ass, coming inside him right now-
Lu Han palmed his own dick, working it rough, quick, and it took him a few more seconds, too. He came, groaning out a few harsh sounds while he did, streams of white flying across Sehun's chest, collecting in a small pool around his abdomen.
"Shit," Sehun muttered later. Joonmyeon still hadn't entered the room; poor guy must have passed out in the hallway after hearing his stoic roommate defiled. "We didn't use a condom. Again."
"So what?" Lu Han said, hand tracing idle patterns on Sehun's sweaty, come-stained hip. "Did you trip on your way out and think that asshole was a pussy?"
"It's not that," Sehun said, no doubt miffed that he was being snidely insulted by Lu Han. "Diseases. STDs. The gross stuff no one wants to talk about."
Lu Han sputtered. "I was a virgin before I met you." He jabbed a finger at Sehun's nipple. "I should be worried about you. You're the one who fooled around with Park Chanyeol and god knows who else."
"That was over a year ago." There was no admission of getting tested or anything of the sort.
Lu Han sat up, narrowing his eyes down at Sehun in the dark. "If I get fucking herpes and worms come out of my dick, you don't even wanna know what I can do to you."
Joonmyeon chose that precise moment to come in and be appropriately scandalized, both at the stench of sex and how Sehun managed to snag such a hottie (Joonmyeon didn't say the latter, but his eyes roaming over Lu Han's exposed chest told him everything he needed to know).
It wasn't worms that came out of any orifice.
"I'm a true friend," Yixing said, tying Lu Han's hair up quickly into a stupid palm tree-esque hairstyle as he became fast acquaintances with the toilet bowl. That was last night's dinner and his midnight snack down the drain. What a waste of imported mochi, he thought, gazing sadly at the brown and green vomit that swam tauntingly inside the bowl.
"Thanks," he croaked, like a dying toad.
He heard Yixing's disgruntled wince. "Who else would endure this kind of disgusting task? Your puke smells really awful, by the way."
"As if yours smells like candy and roses," he shrieked, then bent over the toilet bowl again as a fresh wave of nausea punched his gut.
"Lu Han, you look-" Myungsoo stopped, looking more distressed than usual. "Unwell."
"You can say it, I don't mind. I know I look like shit," he coughed. He wiped the back of his palm on his mouth, and wasn't surprised to find stray vomit when he tore it away. His laptop felt comfortably warm on his lap, so that was a bit of distraction from the churning of his stomach. "Or like the reaper's second cousin twice removed."
Myungsoo looked good in his dress shirt. He looked like he just came straight from a meeting. Lu Han remembered how he used to find that look really hot. How he used to fantasize at sixteen of Myungsoo's body beneath the pressed everyday clothes; how he would most likely be an intense, earnest lover; how he would get the young man who talked so easily about charity fun runs and galas to swear like a sailor as he fucked him into one of his mother's egyptian cotton mattresses.
Objectively, the look was still hot, but Myungsoo's no-touch policy was a wet cloth on the feeling, dampened when he was given a willing partner.
"Have you at least gone to the university clinic?"
Lu Han sighed, feeling his slight irritation for his general situation soften in a wave of fondness. "Not yet. It's only been two days."
"Only two days?" Myungsoo said each word with no small amount of alarm. "If you don't get yourself checked by tomorrow I'll contact-"
"I will, I will! I promise."
Myungsoo seemed to relax a little with his promise, losing some of the tension in his shoulders. "What have you been eating over there? The care package was a bad idea, wasn't it? I knew it, I should have triple checked the expiry dates."
Lu Han actually laughed. "I'm surprised you didn't. I've been eating normally. The fries are downright disgusting." He'd only tried them once. Of course Myungsoo had to be right about that one, too. "I may have had too many ice lollies and sundaes, though."
Myungsoo bit his lip, trying to hide a smile. "Your thighs will thank you for it."
He mock gasped. "Are you, Kim Myungsoo, trying to tell me I'm going to be fat? Even with the amount of puke I managed to heave out my system?"
Lu Han could tell Myungsoo was gathering fuel for a joke, but his eyes grew soft as soon as he mentioned his vomiting. "Please eat better. You know I'd visit and take care of you if I could."
"I'm not a kid," he said.
"I'll have all the sundae machines in the cafeteria replaced."
"Don't joke like that," Lu Han said. Then he frowned. "You wouldn't do that."
"Not unless I had good reason to. Do I?"
"No," he muttered, rolling his eyes. His fiance was annoyingly overdramatic sometimes. "I have to go. Roommate's coming back."
"You haven't introduced me to any of your university friends," Myungsoo observed.
"Next time. When I'm better."
"I should hope so." His voice was low and gentle when he said, "Goodnight Lu Han. All my love."
He kissed his two fingers and stuck them to the laptop screen. "Goodnight, Myungsoo."
Yixing had oh so kindly contacted Sehun and asked to reschedule his and Lu Han's date to the new bubble tea and coffee shop across the university avenue because was currently undergoing some blood tests at the clinic. He wondered if Yixing exaggerated. He wondered if Sehun would run across the field when he read about Lu Han's ordeal.
He presented himself to the nurse to be poked and prodded to the staff's satisfaction. He'd already given a urine sample and was rolling his shirt sleeve after having given the blood sample. He waited for close to two hours on the sterile-smelling clinic bed, the staff ramblings like pleasant white noise as he started to drift off. His nausea and physical fatigue was so overwhelming that he entertained thoughts of having cancer or a bloodsucking alien sucking his innards dry before he completely conked out.
He woke up to a doctor and nurse staring wide-eyed at him, their faces a tangled mess of shock, confusion and awe.
"What's going on?" he cautioned, sitting up.
"Mr. Lu, it appears you're-" he paused, swallowing. "Pregnant."
Lu Han managed to answer, despite the hysteria pushing at his every thought and suddenly heavy tongue. "You're kidding. Haha, doctor. Funny." Then he got an idea. He leaned forward and tried his best to look threatening. "Did Myungsoo send you? Did he find out about my... relationship... and sent you to - to intimidate me into breaking up with Sehun?"
Both the doctor and nurse looked terribly confused. Either they were too good actors, or the universe was playing games with him.
"Look, it's not unheard of," the doctor said in hushed tones. What the hell, not unheard of? Who did they think he was? Some stupid kid who failed fucking biology? "There have been cases, especially in men from old money families such as yourself whose families have found skilled geneticists to tweak the genes of their children before they're even born-"
"Men don't go around giving birth, no matter how dirt poor or rich they are," he snapped.
"Then we'll see after nine months whether the same holds true for you, doesn't it," the nurse spoke up for the first time. "Unless you did anything that could have physically triggered this - growth - it's possible that this may be just a bad case of stomach flu. But consider the circumstances, everything you've told us so far. All the symptoms are there. Have you had anal intercourse in the last two or three weeks?"
Lu Han flushed. "... Yes." He closed his eyes, a hand coming up to pinch the skin between his eyebrows. Despite his growing horror at the thought, the evidence was mounting against his skepticism. "So let's say for argument's sake that this is a... conclusive diagnosis. What's the next step?"
The doctor took a deep breath. "Perhaps an ultrasound."
Thirty minutes later, as he willed his panic to drain out of him, he was led into a lab (he didn't even know the university had one this sophisticated), and he lay down flat on the bed with his torso propped up on his bent elbows.
The doctor held the wand in one hand. "Are you ready?"
"Just get this over with."
A part of him still believed that this was all just a bad dream or an equally bad prank.
But then he saw it. There, in black and white on the ultrasound monitor, was the unmistakeable shape of a peanut in his abdomen. A fetus. A fucking fetus.
Oh fuck, he thought as he pressed one hand over his eyes, how am I going to tell them?
He was seven and a half weeks pregnant when his mouth ran wild, spilling everything to Yixing as he lay sprawled on the cold bathroom tile, the rancid smell of regurgitated snacks invading their nostrils. Yixing, in a rare moment of lucidity, was in panic and demanded that he check himself into the emergency room at the local hospital; he was convinced that Lu Han was going to convulse like a rag doll in a toddler's hands, or vomit the jackpot combination of blood and guts.
"No, stop that, okay," Lu Han said with much difficulty, becoming nauseated again just watching Yixing pace like a madman inside the claustrophic space of the small bathroom. "I'm not dying. I'm pregnant."
His eyes went wide, his face slack with shock. Lu Han would have a hard digesting it himself, if he was in Yixing's shoes. "So that's why you... look..." He apparently had no words for Lu Han he looked right now.
"Like crap?"
"That's one word for it. More like..." he trailed off, tugging him upwards by the shoulder. "Something's eating you from the inside."
It was just like Yixing to be obvious, but completely capture the situation in just a few hard-hitting words.
"If you're pregnant... why aren't you fat?" was the first thing Yixing asked when Lu Han made himself comfortable on the toilet seat.
"I'm barely eight weeks pregnant. It won't show a bump at least until the twelfth week."
Yixing nodded, then said, "Have you told Sehun?"
"How are you sure he's the father?"
Yixing raised an eyebrow. "You've slept with anyone else?"
He sniffed, an arm wrapping around his stomach. "Maybe I did and I just haven't told you."
"Hah, right." Yixing eyed Lu Han intently. "So did you?"
"... No."
Yixing's pacing ground to a halt. He looked like he was waking up from a dream. "Lu Han... I mean, you're really pregnant? How? Why?" He shook his head furiously. "How?"
"I am. I don't really know the specifics, just that I somehow have the ability to bear children because my grandfather decided it would be a great idea to mess with my parents' genes, and when they had me my body was already modified, so to speak. I've been told about when I was a kid, but I never took it seriously." He laughed bitterly, running a hand through his hair. "I always thought my mother was pulling my leg when she told me I could someday bear kids for Myungsoo-"
"Who?"
"My fiance. From childhood." At Yixing's disbelieving stare, he said, "It's a long story."
"I have time." Yixing made a show of looking at the wall clock. "Class doesn't start for at least two more hours."
"I... come from an old family, with old money. Remember the scholarship I told you? I never had to get one. My family, as well as Myungsoo's, has donated to this school for fifty years. I've been promised to Myungsoo since I was a baby, all because of an old blood pact between our grandparents."
Yixing interrupted with a whistle. "I never knew people still did that."
"Arranged marriages? Yeah, that's what everyone thinks." He closed his eyes, leaning back as he allowed himself to reminisce. "But Myungsoo and I... we grew up together. Our families have houses next to each other's in Beijing, Shanghai, Daegu and Gwangju. We've known since we could walk that were supposed to be together. You could say that we were forced to be in each other's presence as kids, but at least we weren't strangers anymore, you know?"
"So you like it? This-" Yixing gestured to the space between them. "Arrangement?"
"I like him," Lu Han clarified. "He's a sweet guy. He never once made me feel like he hated the fact that he had to marry me. He likes to... take care of me."
Yixing smirked. "But not sweet enough to get you pregnant."
"How the hell was he ever gonna get me pregnant when he's miles away and we've never had sex?"
"Not even before you went to university?'
"No. Never."
"Is he ugly as sin?"
Lu Han glared, feeling a bit defensive. "Do you want your balls cut off?"
"I'll take that as a no." Yixing quickly changed the subject. "He sent you all those care packages?"
"Yeah."
Yixing still looked like he was absorbing everything, then, "So I get that you're both really rich. That explains why you have all these designer stuff that you hardly use. Why you insist on treating everyone all the time. And the food in those packages - I could quit my artistic dreams right now and sell just the things he sends you and I'd have money for a secondhand car. Is he still in school?"
Lu Han shook his head. "He's four years older, so no. He graduated two years ago."
"Okay. So when you graduate, you're going to break up with Sehun and move back home? Marry your fiance?"
Lu Han's back went ramrod straight despite the ache in his back. "Woah, wait. Who said anything about breaking up with Sehun?"
"Well, he's still your boyfriend right now, isn't he? I'm pretty sure he doesn't know anything about this arranged marriage business, seeing as he actually made that-" Yixing pointed to his stomach, "with you."
Lu Han gulped, slumping back in his seat, shoulders hunched in defeat. "He doesn't even know this baby exists," he said, so quiet it was barely audible.
Lu Han quickly found that the main side effect of pregnancy (other than weird cravings at odd times of the night, puking and crying at the same time) was guilt. He knew this guilt was borne from failure to fulfill many obligations. There was the obligation to remain untouched for Myungsoo. The obligation to drop by the drugstore and get supplies to keep himself safe. The obligation to refrain from getting fucked bareback by Sehun. The obligation to tell Sehun as well as Myungsoo that a sentient being was growing inside him.
Ultimately, it came back to guilt at doing a shitty job of keeping his libido in check.
Maybe, just maybe, it was why he was currently kissing Sehun's throat, pressing the other boy's long body between the 'sci-fi' and 'fantasy' sections of the general fiction aisle. It was oddly fitting, considering how fantastical the whole situation was.
The library was deserted, spared barely a furtive glance; it was the perfect time and place to have a steamy encounter. One of the better side-effects of the whole pregnancy thing was that he was horny all the time. Must have this now now now ran through his mind as he rested his hands on Sehun's hips, backing him a little closer into the corner of the bookshelves. He moved to catch Sehun's lips, slowly but with a firm edge, smiling into Sehun's mouth when Sehun's obvious surprise faded to heated concession.
"We shouldn't, you know," he muttered, as Lu Han gently popped his collar open, planting a kiss over his bobbing Adam's apple. Lu Han knew he hardly meant it, because Sehun's fingers were already tugging at his fly.
Lu Han gave him a look of mock disapproval, grasping Sehun by the shoulder and turning him around so that they stood back to chest.
"What are you doing?" Sehun hissed.
"Let's just say I've been inspired." Lu Han pressed himself flush against Sehun's back, sliding one hand around Sehun's waist and another down south, rubbing over the soft globes of Sehun's maddeningly round ass. Sehun 'oomphed' from the sudden touch, squirming a little; Lu Han doubted Sehun meant his half-hearted protests. He certainly wasn't stopping him. He tugged Sehun's jeans down enough to free his growing erection, kneeling down right along with the clothing.
"Watch out for the lady guard," Sehun said, giving a funny of half-snort, half-laugh as Lu Han's breath tickled the inside of his thighs.
Lu Han's hands curled tightly around Sehun's ass, slowly parting the cheeks to reveal the tight hole. "It's my turn now," he said, feeling more turned on than ever before. That thing inside him was like inner viagra - and fuck was it so wrong to think about the baby like that while he placed wet kisses next to the puckered edge, while he made Sehun wiggle, trying to get Lu Han's tongue where it would feel the best.
"First time?" Lu Han laughed, breath warm and moist against Sehun's hole. Sehun pushed harder against the bookshelf to brace himself, whimpering.
Sehun definitely appreciated the role reversal.
Then, finally, he lapped at the puckered muscle, smiling as Sehun's back arched a little, hips pushing backwards. Lu Han's tongue delved deeper, humming softly the way Sehun did with him last time someone's face was in someone's ass. He licked a broad stripe up the length of the crack, then pressed his tongue back up inside, using his teeth gently on the sensitive skin. Sehun started to shake and his quiet moans made Lu Han a little rougher as his own arousal ratcheted up.
Lu Han reached a hand down inside his own briefs-
His back throbbed, his neck ached, and a sickening lurch rolled in his gut at every turn of his head. He groaned when he opened his eyes. One Direction and Miley Cyrus posters were the first thing he saw; he remembered with the force of an anvil exactly why he preferred shoving his face into Sehun's pillows when he was in this room.
"You kept falling out of the bed so I moved you to the floor. Don't puke," said Sehun, sitting in the swivel chair, tone a mix of concerned and peeved. He spotted Sehun's telltale khaki-colored jeans draped across a chair, the ends dark, soaked in water. Oh shit, did he just-
He groaned and stayed where he was. Limbs heavy, it took a while for him to realize Sehun lifting him by the arms. His head lolled forward, thumped a chest covered by a starched shirt. When he breathed, he smelled detergent, crisp and sharp. It made his head swim.
He sighed when his head hit a pillow on Sehun's bed. "Too light," he heard Sehun mutter.
"Sorry," Lu Han said, weak and sheepish. Now was a good time to toast himself alive.
"I should be the one apologizing." Sehun's neck and cheeks were flushed a pretty peach. It was an endearing, if confusing picture. "I - I didn't mean to - I should probably clean myself better next time. If - if it tasted that bad, I mean."
"No!" He couldn't believe this. His tongue in Sehun's ass wasn't gourmet dinner but fuck if it didn't turn him on until he nearly exploded. "It's not that. You were fine. Your everything was fine."
"Then what..." Sehun trailed off, skeptically. "You're sick? Is that why you're so light?" There was that adorable crease between his brows, making its comeback. Lu Han kind of missed it after days at a time holing up in his room and avoiding Sehun like the plague, with the excuse that he had a ton of reports to do because he volunteered in every class for extra credit. Sehun sent him food through cornering Yixing in the art building, texted him maybe five to ten times a day asking if he had memorized his cue cards yet.
"I'm-" Lu Han paused, choosing his words carefully. "Not exactly sick."
Sehun was never the most observant, and Lu Han was counting on that to pull him through this event unscathed. Sehun chose this time to be perceptive. "What do you mean 'not exactly'?"
"I have... this thing. Inside," he pushed out eventually, for lack of a better way to word the damn thing. He supposed it should be 'baby' but he really thought of it more as a little piece of popcorn festering inside, waiting for the right moment to pop.
"... Is thing a euphemism for something? Like, uh," Sehun wrung his hands. "Feelings?"
"Sehun, I really like you." Sometimes he might even be in love with Sehun, which was amazing considering how it took him years to fall in love with Myungsoo and mere weeks to go from from infatuation to full blown obsession and finally, in passionate love with Sehun. "But I-"
"You've eaten something expired?"
Lu Han sighed loudly. "Why does everyone think I've eaten something spoiled? I'm just pregnant-"
Sehun's face, if it was possible given how fair he already was, drained of color so fast Lu Han was afraid he was going to pass out. He hoped not; his condition was so delicate that his body couldn't take too much of carrying Sehun anywhere.
Sehun was more than a little freaked out when he finally saw for himself the ultrasound pictures. In an almost comical way, Sehun's emotions rapidly cycled in his expression. The confusion twisting into suspicion into dread back to confusion and then finally settling into cautious but thoughtful.
"I'm too young to be a dad," he said, and for the first time Lu Han saw him genuinely terrified, hands clammy and his entire posture trembling. Lu Han found himself re-telling word for word the whys and wherefores of his pregnancy, minus the part where he was betrothed. Sehun didn't need to know that, especially after this kind of news.
"I'm sorry," Lu Han said thickly, fingers white where they clenched the edge of Sehun's bed. It was funny how he was doing a better job at hiding his sheer terror from Sehun. It hit him that he was afraid of two things - losing Sehun, and keeping Sehun but losing the peanut-
Baby, he reminded himself, because the fear of loss was acknowledgment of its importance, wasn't it?
"This is an unnecessary burden on you, I know. I get if you want to break it off and never see me or this baby again. But just so you know, our time together..." He swallowed, a whole galaxy of meaning in the spaces between pauses. "It meant a lot to me. And I'll make sure you will mean more than a just a nameless face to this child. It's the least I can do."
He expected Sehun to agree with a grim face, and tell him that breaking up was for the best.
Sehun's eyes welling up with unshed tears was an outlier in the paradigm of possibilities. So was Sehun practically throwing himself onto him and holding him tight like he was the most precious gift.
"I want this," Sehun said, gaze dropping to his belly. His throat moved around several deep swallows. "How could you ever think I'd abandon you when you need me the most? I want to do this, have this. We have to do this together. I don't think I can live with myself if I let you and this baby go."
Lu Han suddenly felt punch-drunk giddy. He noticed Sehun was still staring intently at his stomach. "If you want to touch..."
Sehun slowly slipped a hand under Lu Han's shirt, pressing across his abdomen. Lu Han sucked in a sharp breath; Sehun's fingers were dangerously close to the waistband of his jeans.
"I wonder when I can feel him or her moving," Sehun whispered. Lu Han had never heard him sound so awestruck.
"Wait just a little more," Lu Han said, overcome with a nameless sort of happiness, that kind that could only be resolved by moving forward and capturing Sehun's lips in a kiss.
The mad rush brought by his confession and Sehun's acceptance consumed Lu Han. One glance at Sehun and he forgot about the insects buzzing at the back of his mind (duties, obligations, bullet point lists). He wanted to escape with him, somewhere deep and unknown. Maybe into a forest with tens of thousands of acres as far as the eye could see, where a modest lodge house would be situated right smack in the middle, beside it a sparkling lake. Or a foreign country, maybe Morocco or Australia, where the sun was unforgiving and he could watch Sehun strip on the beach everyday.
He buried himself in Sehun, and in the graveyards of his absences, and in the earthen relief of his presence.
Life was good for a while.
For a week.
"Lu Han, are you on your headphones? Get that, please!" he barely heard Yixing's shrill scream from their shared bathroom because he did indeed have his headphones on. It was one of those rare nights when he allowed himself to concentrate on actual schoolwork. He hurriedly placed his Beats on the desk and got up from his seat.
"On it!"
He opened the door to Myungsoo, his handsome Myungsoo, standing there outside, holding a bouquet of roses and a stylish duffel.
"For you." Myungsoo's smile was impossibly wide and happy as he handed him the bouquet, and Lu Han took it sluggishly, without a word in reply. He took a still speechless Lu Han into his arms, pressing his nose into Lu Han's hair. "I've missed you."
-------------
PART 2
Myungsoo opted to stay in a posh five-star hotel for the entire duration of his week-long visit. He had originally wanted to rent the dorm across Lu Han's, but even a hefty sum could not convince their neighbors to move out.
It was a good thing as well that Myungsoo was too conservative to even think of spending a night in Lu Han's dorm; Yixing had slyly hinted that he can temporarily shack up with his half-Canadian boytoy. The tips of Myungsoo's ears grew pink as he declined the subtle invitation.
"Thank you," Lu Han said, lips to close to Myungsoo's neck as they embraced goodbye. Myungsoo promised to return the following afternoon to take Lu Han out to lunch. He would have to cancel all other appointments then, including one with the very person he was trying to hide from Myungsoo, at all costs.
"What for?" Myungsoo replied with a slight tilt of head.
Thank you for giving me time, for leaving me alone to think about what to do, for understanding even though you know nothing.
"For coming to see me," Lu Han said. "I'm... surprised you cared enough to visit."
Myungsoo looked properly shocked, which pleased Lu Han just a little. "Of course I came to see you. I'd been planning to since the end of your first term but it's only now that I've had the time. Self-imposed break and all. And the fact that you've been ill gives me more reason to visit."
"You can afford to take breaks anytime you want. You have underlings for all the work you miss anyway."
"Yes, but that doesn't mean I should." Myungsoo frowned. "I get the feeling you're not that happy to see me."
"I am," Lu Han reassured quickly. Yixing was subtly leaning forward from his current seat on their shared study table, probably hungry for something to tease Lu Han with. As if the whole pregnancy thing wasn't enough fodder. "It's just... unexpected. I like surprises but this is-"
"Unwelcome?"
"Different from the usual," Lu Han finished lamely. He pressed his body closer to Myungsoo's and wrapped arms around his neck, a move which he knew would excite all sorts of inappropriate feelings in his fiance. "I'm always happy to see you. Thank you for thinking of me."
Myungsoo seemed to hesitate for a moment, then, wrapped both arms around Lu Han's waist, pulling him close. Lu Han almost fell in utter incredulity. "I always think of you. Every waking moment, every last thought before I sleep. Don't you ever forget that."
He should have cancelled. Some idiotic desire possessed him to alter the plan to 'reschedule' instead. It was why he woke up at 8AM on a Saturday to shower, put on some heavy-duty BB Cream and pick a casual attire fit for a morning date.
To his surprise, Yixing was already awake, too. Said roommate raised an inquisitive brow when he noticed Lu Han flossing like there was no tomorrow.
"Early morning date? I thought it was lunch with that fine piece of ass who's supposed to marry you."
Lu Han threw the strings of floss into the trashbin. "Yes to the first, and to the second I rescheduled to dinner."
"Woah, woah. You're meeting Sehun first?"
Lu Han gave him a look plainly saying 'what do you think'.
"Okay, I know Sehun's that baby's dad, but Lu Han, how long are you planning to hide them from each other?"
"As long as I can," Lu Han said confidently, stuffing some Altoids in his pocket.
"You know you can't keep this up."
"I know."
"And when you begin to show that bump? What do you call that, a baby bump? What are you gonna tell Myungsoo? That you somehow got fat even though you've been puking your guts out every night? And when he asks you why, you'll tell him the bloat fairy visited? That you binged on McFlurries?"
Too many questions. It made Lu Han's head spin. "How are you so smart when it's so early? That's like, against the law of early morning grogginess."
"Lu Han," Yixing said, admonishing, and it was the first fucking time Yixing had ever sounded like that, "you're not taking this seriously, are you? I can't always be the one to worry for you."
"You're not the only one, trust me," he said, remembering Sehun's teary episode a few days ago, and Myungsoo's words the previous night.
"There are some secrets you can bury with you. And that baby is not one of them, unless you plan to commit suicide for two." Yixing sniffed. "Too bad. I wanted to be a godparent."
"Do I look suicidal to you?" Lu Han shook his head, grabbing his room key. "Whatever should happen, will happen. Anyway, I'm out. Message me if you want take-out."
wer r u?
shiieet sry babe got held up by those losers frm glee. sed they herd me singing walking to class wtf?? stalker much?? they wanted me to try out or w/e
haha that's cool, u have a gr8 voice y not? u shld try it out after next term
after the bb pops out u mean?
lol yah. i c u btw <3
"Where are we going?" Lu Han squinted at the street signs, trying to discern where the hell Sehun could be taking him on their first 'official date' out of the university avenue. So far they've tried every restaurant, cafe and shawarma stand down the block. It was probably for the best that they try somewhere else this time around.
"It's a secret," Sehun said, tapping his fingers against the steering while as he kept his eyes on the road. "But I think you'll like it."
"We could go to the LazerMaxx arena," Lu Han mused. "I've been wanting to go since forever."
"Are you serious? We're going to play Laser Tag while you're pregnant," Sehun countered, glancing briefly at Lu Han's profile. "If you miscarry while running around I'll never forgive myself."
"I can't possibly miscarry. I don't even have the bump yet." Or could he? He never bothered to read the pamphlets the doctors sent him off with. Sehun would probably have an aneurysm if they went through with that, so it was best to go along with whatever Sehun had planned.
"We're here," Sehun said, cutting off Lu Han's train of thought.
Lu Han followed Sehun's line of sight. "That's a carnival," he said softly.
"Um, yeah. You don't like it?" Sehun looked a little put-out, probably thinking that this was the lamest plan ever. "I bought the tickets even before you told me you were, uh-"
Lu Han laughed. "So you don't think I'll miscarry on the ferris wheel or haunted house?"
Sehun shook his head. He pulled into the parking lot and found a spot. "We're not going to ride anything now that you're pregnant. Or go inside any haunted house. I just thought you'd like to see different than the usual." He looked at Lu Han with hopeful eyes. "We can do something else? There are a lot of fun things to at a carnival. And we can watch some shows!"
Lu Han slid his fingers against Sehun's own, kissing him on the cheek. He'd underestimated his boyfriend's potential for sweetness. "I know, I was just teasing you. This is great." And then he took his seat belt off and exited the car so quickly that he almost stumbled onto the dirt, Sehun laughing at him from behind before coming up beside him and twining an arm around his waist.
When Lu Han saw exactly how high the ferris wheel was, he turned a little green as he clutched onto Sehun's bicep.
"What's wrong?"
"It's... so high up."
Sehun's arm around his waist tightened. "You afraid of heights?"
It occurred to him then how Sehun didn't know this at all about him. If he did, Lu Han wondered, would he have taken him to this place at all? Myungsoo never would have. Myungsoo would rather drop dead than take him here.
"Yeah. Don't judge me."
"Aw. And I wanted to make out at the top of the ferris wheel, too. After the baby comes out," Sehun added. "Do all the cliche romantic things couples do in a carnival."
Lu Han eyed the ring toss section of the carnival after steering away from the direction of the ferris wheel. "If you want to do one of those cliche things, you can win a stuffed animal for our future son or daughter."
By mid-afternoon they'd mostly succeeded in not succumbing to the cliche romantic activities one normally engaged in at a carnival.
They never got to make out in a ferris wheel, but they sat at the very back row of an indoor sea lion show; when the lights were out, Lu Han slid a hand up Sehun's shirt, drawing barely held back moans. Lu Han couldn't care less about the person in front, specifically an old woman who kept glancing back and glaring at them when Sehun's voice got a little too loud and indecent for her liking.
They played in the ring toss section, but it was Lu Han who ended up winning a giant puppy plushie after a lucky shot, since Sehun kept missing by a few inches. Lu Han liked to joke that Sehun had terrible aim in games but hit the bullseye where it mattered.
"... Are you talking about your man-spot?"
Lu Han grinned. "Man-womb."
Sehun looked torn between laughing and crying. "Jesus, Lu Han," he said, as he dragged the puppy plushie towards yet another gross and unhealthy carnival food stand.
"You like corndogs, don't you, sweet pea," Lu Han said around his third corn dog, patting his belly affectionately. "Yes, you do," he singsonged.
"And today is the only day that daddy is going to allow mommy to eat this kind of food." Sehun batted Lu Han's hand away when he tried to snatch Sehun's second corndog. "After this, mommy is going on a strict vegan diet."
"And if daddy goes through with that ridiculous plan, then mommy's going to saw his dick off and feed it to the cows," Lu Han said cheerfully, snatching Sehun's corndog when the other wasn't looking.
Sehun rolled his eyes. "Cows don't eat balls," he muttered, but smiled like an idiot anyway when Lu Han buried his face in his shoulder.
There in 20 minutes. Where would you like to eat?
Anywhere is ok.
Any particular craving?
Italian's good.
Noted. See you.
Lu Han had long stopped feeling nervous when it came to Myungsoo. Used to be that he would do his best to keep his nerves on edge, heartbeat slamming inside his throat. He would perpetually worry whether he over or underdressed, keep looking in the mirror to smooth out stray flyaways. Now, he just combed his hair, dabbed on his wrists a bit of Issey Miyake perfume (a birthday gift two years ago from Myungsoo) and smoothed out the creases of his cardigan.
It was just Myungsoo.
He wondered what that said about their relationship.
But then again, this meeting was in a different. He wasn't the same Lu Han he had said goodbye to all those months go. Still, he wasn't as nervous as he reckoned he should be.
He decided not to spray on more perfume. That way he'd actually have to get close to Lu Han if he wanted to determine what scent it was. After all, it's not as if Myungsoo knew what the perfume smelled like, after two years and two hundred equally expensive aromatic gifts.
Yixing was out the apartment doing a late-night project, so he was all alone. He head soft, polite knocking after what seemed like ages and he went to the door. Myungsoo stood there with casual dark blue denims and black-button up. Lu Han leaned over to give him a hug, briefly taking in the musk and sandalwood that was his fiance's signature scent.
"You look beautiful. Glowing, even," Myungsoo said with a smile, giving him a chaste peck on the cheek. He pulled back with a rare ear-splitting grin. "I'm glad to see you're wearing the perfume I gave you on your birthday."
Lu Han tried to contain his surprise. "How many years ago exactly?"
Myungsoo's eyes were positively sparkling. Lu Han felt guilt knawing at him; why must he always underestimate everyone's sweetness? "Two years ago, on your seventeenth. I'd never forget." He brushed a lock of hair away from Lu Han's burning face. "I bought it because it was very you. I was almost tempted to use it myself, just so I could be reminded of you. Especially when you're away for a long time such as, well, this."
Myungsoo was very much an academic man. He and Lu Han shared a love for mathematics and all matter of numerical problems; but Myungsoo believed so much more in quantifiable facts, in observable phenomena. This Lu Han saw when Myungsoo would win prize after scholarship after gold medal for any event that required more than an average amount of brain cells.
But tonight, Myungsoo was a little different, and that was putting it mildly. He wasn't used to seeing his fiance go all raw and emotional on him.
He'd give an arm and a leg to find out what made Myungsoo jump into the frigid, foreign ocean of feelings.
(Well, maybe just his useless little toe. He'd had enough stubbing them on the edge of the bed, anyway.)
"You don't look - or smell - so bad yourself," Lu Han returned the compliment with the easy air of teasing Myungsoo was used to receiving from him.
He linked arms with his date, and was led to one of Myungsoo's Porsche's, obviously shipped along with the rest of his equally valuable belongings.
Nothing but the best, Myungsoo had said, with warm eyes and warm lips kissing the back of Lu Han's hand.
"You didn't have to go through all this."
"Oh no, I didn't have to," Myungsoo agreed. "I wanted to."
Lu Han's brow furrowed. "Why?"
"Because-" Myungsoo paused. He took a deep breath, and resumed, "We've been away from each other too long. Seven, almost eight months, Lu Han. I found myself... missing your company more than ever."
"Including the daily attempts to get you into my bed?"
He half-expected Myungsoo to give him that look reserved for when he was intent on not speaking to Lu Han for the next half-hour or so. Instead, miracle of all miracles, he nodded. "Yes, including that."
What the what the-
"And when I saw you on webcam looking so sad and sick, I wanted to be there with you. I needed - still need - to know if I was the cause of that sadness. And if I was..." Myungsoo looked away, closing his eyes. Lu Han felt something stir in his chest. "I only have myself to blame."
"Myungsoo, no, don't..." Lu Han said weakly, losing words as quickly as he had them at the tip of his tongue. Inside, he was screaming. What was going on with Myungsoo? And why did he have to make him feel like that pathetically in love sixteen-year-old again?
"I know I've been pushing you away, Lu Han. When you're perfectly," Myungsoo trailed off, swallowing, "off age now. Nearly an adult, if not one already."
Lu Han found himself grinning. "I am. What do you plan to do about it?"
"Make up for the lost time, of course." 'And lost opportunities' was left hanging in the air.
What are you doing, you fucking idiot, he screamed at himself now. But this - he'd wanted this for so long, wanted Myungsoo to pay attention to the fact that he wasn't a kid anymore. He could hold his own now. He could charm anyone anyone he liked, and Myungsoo couldn't do anything about it.
He could have someone else's kid and Myungsoo would never have to know.
Lu Han was so absorbed in trying to sort through his own jumbled thoughts that he was surprised when Myungsoo suddenly leaned towards him, well into his personal space. He was startled, but acted on instinct, parting his lips slightly and letting his eyes drift shut. Hadn't he always wondered what it would be like to kiss the boy, now young man, who he'd fantasized about for so long? Of course his first instinct to Myungsoo invading his personal space would be this. It was only natural, Sehun be damned-
Sehun...
He felt a momentary surge of heated panic as Myungsoo's toned body drew closer, his breath hot on Lu Han's cheek. But then as quickly as it had appeared it was gone. Lu Han opened his eyes, feeling dazed.
"You had some pink glitter in your hair," Myungsoo said bemusedly, flicking it aside.
"Oh, damnit. Yixing must have dropped some on the vanity table. Sorry." He reminded himself to check the brushes he had every now and then for stray art gunk. Damn Yixing.
Lu Han wasn't sure whether to feel relieved or disappointed after that.
Despite Myungsoo being even more of a gentleman than usual, holding doors open, leading him to his seat and all that jazz, he never got close enough again to make Lu Han's heart speed up. He did, however, constantly compliment Lu Han on his glowing visage and remarked how he still must have the metabolism of a twelve-year-old prepubescent, the way he wolfed down three servings of pasta and an entire basket of breadsticks in about thirty minutes.
Lu Han had half a mind to break up with Sehun now that Myungsoo had forced himself into the picture at the least convenient time possible. He'd already been thinking of all the possible excuses.
1. "It's not you, it's me... and my fiance who's in town. Surprise?": First, terribly tired and cliche. Second, no one actually said this anymore unless they were in a Jennifer Aniston romcom. Plus, he'd like to survive the encounter with his dignity (and maybe limbs) at least half-intact.
2. "You're too good for me.": Yeah, how about no. Besides it was a red flag for the person saying it, and he most definitely did not have low self-esteem and he didn't hate himself enough to say this.
3. "I think we're better off as friends.": This was the best option because it would spare Lu Han at least twenty-five percent of the guilt of being a liar and selfish bastard. But no, he wasn't quite ready to give Sehun up yet, because he was pretty much at the stage where he'd cry in the bathroom and hurl breakables if Sehun got himself a new, hotter significant other (thankfully, this could not exist even in a parallel dimension because Lu Han was the hottest shit Sehun could ever hope to get).
Instead, there he was in Sehun's room. Not sprawled out naked on his back getting the best blowjob ever, but bent over Sehun's ribs, wrapping bandages around the shallow wounds and bruises as Sehun put on the most hilarious brave face ever, trying not to shriek in pain.
"You didn't have to do that," he whispered. He found himself saying this a lot lately. "I can take care of myself."
"I know you can," Sehun said just as quietly, fixing him with a gentle, grateful look as Lu Han tended to the cuts on his face with a couple of band aids and a makeshift ice pack. "But what kind of boyfriend would I be if I didn't step in to protect... not just you, but sweet pea."
"Oh, so now he's sweet pea to you, too?"
"Well you keep calling him that, so..."
"And since when were you so sure it's going to be a he?"
"Now we both know you started referring to the baby as he way before I did. I'm just following suit."
Lu Han exhaled loudly. "Stop talking for a minute," he ordered, dabbing the ice pack at one of the cuts on Sehun's cheek that had started to scab.
He'd asked Sehun to meet him after class in the economics building, wanting to confess about everything he didn't have the guts to say the last time there had been a big confession between them. Sehun was running a little late, so Lu Han had been in the boys' bathroom when one guy pressed his huge, burly body against him and started kneading his ass like bread.
"Looking for a good time, pretty?" another guy spoke way too close to his ear. Just his luck to have two neanderthals breathing down his back. This one's breath was like onions, garlic and all things unpleasant. Lu Han's stomach churned. "Me and my friend, we've been eyeing your fairy face for a few weeks, y'know. Face as cute as yours, you can be campus crush. Maybe even campus fucktoy." His ugly drew even closer to Lu Han. "We can start you down that road."
Lu Han turned around so fast that he could have one of those neck braces for whisplash, then backed away two steps. Unfortunately, his lower back immediately felt the hard press of the sink.
Shit
"Back off, assholes, Lu Han said, sneering. "This is all you can do, right? Bully people, try to make them sell out their own pride because you don't have any. So back the fuck off, or I'll..."
"You'll what?" Onion Breath taunted. He waved his fingers in the air. "Spray magical 'go away' fairy dust?"
His leg automatically shot out, kicking where every man was most vulnerable.
"My dick!" Onion Breath double over, howling in pain. Lu Han wasn't star soccer player in high school for nothing. "This fucking fairy kicked my fucking dick!"
Big and Burly took hold of Lu Han's shoulders and pushed him into the wall.
"You a fighter, huh?" His fist clamped down tight on Lu Han's shoulder, so hard it took all of Lu Han's willpower not to wince. "Tell you what. If you be good, we'll make this better for you. We won't fuck you dry, how's that sound?"
He was cornered, with no weapon, and he was pregnant. He could try punching the guy, but since Onion Breath had started to gain himself, he was fucked. Literally. He couldn't possibly take on two big guys on his own without seriously risking not just his own life, but the life inside him. Now all he had to do was turn around, in case they had the brilliant idea to try and punch him in the gut.
"Fine," he ground out, gritting his teeth. Breathing harshly, he said, "at least turn me around so I won't have to see your ugly faces."
"Why you-"
He whirled around as quickly as he can, both arms winding around around his stomach protectively.
He waited for the blow.
It never came.
He heard a low growl from somewhere behind him. When he dared to turn around, the first thing he saw was Sehun's knuckles raking across Big and Burly's mouth and up into his nose. The guy retaliated with a hard blow to Sehun's mouth, then to his ribs; Sehun grunted and bent over and jesus christ, was that blood Sehun just coughed up?
Lu Han honestly doubted, given how slim Sehun was, how Sehun could possibly survive that one blow. Sehun scrambled up in record time, however, and got an elbow into the guy's gut, hard enough to knock his breath out and cause him to double over, and followed it with another fist to the face. The guy stumbled and Sehun shoved him down, kicking his crotch twice.
"Never touch him again," Sehun snarled, before he landed on final blow to the balls that effectively knocked the guy into submission.
Onion Breath, meanwhile, was apparently too dumb to hold Lu Han hostage in exchange for a ceasefire, and too scared to go up against the skinny Sehun who apparently had fists of steel that even Lu Han never knew about. Onion Breath had long since bolted out the bathroom, thank god.
Lu Han's eyes were wide when he surged forward towards Sehun, who was trying very hard to steady his breathing. "Sehun, oh god. Please tell me you didn't break any of your own bones."
Sehun coughed. Shit, that was definitely blood. "Maybe one or two."
Lu Han felt hot tears well up, against his will. "You dumb fuck. We have to get you to the clinic."
"No, I swear, I'll be okay. Just - my room first. Please." He said all that with that awful gash on his lower lip. Now they were going to have matching lip scars, too?
"Are you fucking crazy?" Lu Han screamed. "You could bleed to death or - or one of your internal organs might burst any moment or-"
"Bleed to death with a split lip?" Sehun had the nerve to chuckle.
Lu Han huffed. How could Sehun possibly find humor in this situation? Here he was, close to tears because Sehun had the dumb but incredibly courageous idea to save him from two thugs who could have easily beat both of them to a pulp and raped them in the stalls-
"Hey," Sehun said, flicking his forehead, fingers sliding to Lu Han's nape and pulling him close. "I'll be fine, I promise. Let's just go back to the dorm."
Lu Han ended up half-dragging Sehun to the dorm, unwittingly holding back a cry of shared pain every time Sehun stumbled over his own feet.
Sehun was suspended for two weeks, but it was all worth it, he told Lu Han much later. The librarian was charmed by him enough to still grant him access to the library whenever he wanted, so he wanted to use that time to study. Sehun sounded so optimistic telling Lu Han all this that it was almost hard for Lu Han to believe that this was the same cold, unemotional robot he'd met all those months ago.
"Things change when you're around," Sehun said by way of simple explanation.
The next confession would have to wait until Myungsoo was gone, it seemed.
I have something for you. Soccer fields 3pm.
How did you even clear the field out? That time's so busy, people everywhere. Soccer varsity practicing.
Do you have to ask?
Right. Ok. I'll be there after class.
baaaaabe bbl tea date @ 5? no americano ok i told u its bad 4 sweet pea
hm hMM tough call i hav an appt @ 3. BUT OK
haha the only appt u can have is w/ my dick ;)
ew u nasty i'm already w/ child u perv jfc
loljk no rly don't punch me. still reeling frm d last time
no u fucktard. c u l8r
He found himself at precisely 3pm at the soccer fields, and there was already a small crowd gathering around someone in the middle. He heard quiet murmurs of 'oh my god isn't that shipping magnate Kim Myungsoo?', 'i've seen him on tv but he looks way dreamier in person', and other variations of gushing praise ripple through the crowd. He elbowed his way through the giggling girls and ogling twinks, marching his way over to Myungsoo.
Oh dear sweet jesus. Myungsoo was wearing all white in contrast to his usual dark ensembles, his hair impeccably styled and combed, smile blinding against the afternoon sun.
And he had a guitar strapped to his hip.
"Lu Han," he breathed, almost reverently, "this is for you."
Lu Han recognized the finger movements, Myungsoo's nimble fingers plucking and pulling at the strings as Myungsoo began to sing, softly at first then gradually rising in volume as the tempo began to pick up.
I’ve watched over you
Over all your loves and your long breakups
If you’re always going to get hurt, it’s better to be with me
Look clearly- I just don’t like it when you cry
It hurts me to see you in pain
Be mine, I will love you
I will worry about you
I
will take care of you until the end
Be mine, you know me
You’ve seen me for all this time
I will protect you until the end
This was one of Myungsoo's favorites, or at least he assumed it was, since he'd caught Myungsoo humming it under his breath a few times before he left for university. If Myungsoo had done this before, his imagination would have easily transferred the hands on the strings to hands on his body.
But there he was, proclaiming his love for Lu Han in front of a good number of the student population, and Lu Han only felt numbness and dread settle in the pit of his gut. He'd thought Myungsoo didn't have much power over him anymore, but he still occupied a heavy space in Lu Han's chest, so deep that every thrum of the guitar was like a small explosion in his heart.
And he was afraid, most of all.
"Lu Han?"
It wasn't Myungsoo's voice.
Someone was standing right behind him, someone familiar. No, not now, please.
"Who... is that?"
He turned around despite his better judgment. Sehun looked back at him darkly, one fist balled so tight at his side his knuckles had gone white, one fist holding a bouquet of red roses.
And now Myungsoo had to throw himself into the fray as well. He walked up to Lu Han and put an arm around Lu Han's waist. Sehun's nostrils flared and he looked like he was going to lunge at Myungsoo for a moment. "What's going on?" He threw a curious look at Sehun, visibly tensing up when he saw the bouquet in Sehun's hand. He addressed Sehun directly, in a neutral tone that held an undercurrent of brewing tension, "Is that for Lu Han?"
"It was for Lu Han. My boyfriend, if you didn't know, stranger," Sehun said after a moment. The crowd's murmurs grew louder around them.
"Boyfriend?" Myungsoo echoed, nails digging into Lu Han's hip.
"Yes."
"You must be mistaken," Myungsoo said evenly, pulling Lu Han closer to him. Lu Han was too stunned to push him away, or say anything. "Lu Han is my fiance and has been from birth."
The ambient sounds were almost deafening now.
"I see," Sehun spat. His eyes were red. "I guess he doesn't need this. Nor does he need me."
And with that, he threw the bouquet on the grass and stalked off in the opposite direction.
"You have a lot of explaining to do," Myungsoo said, and it was the first time Lu Han heard him sound so harsh.
This was the moment he'd been waiting for. He'd intended to break it up with Sehun all along, right?
But why did it have to hurt so much?
Myungsoo grabbed his wrist, dragging him up an abandoned stairwell near the library. Fitting that the very place where he met Sehun would also be his undoing in Myungsoo's hands. His heart was in his throat, pulse racing as he caught a glimpse of Myungsoo's face, haggard and livid in the dim light from the measly yellow bulb swinging above their heads. It felt a little like a police investigation; Myungsoo pulled himself up to full height, and it very well felt like it was.
"Talk," Myungsoo ordered abruptly, voice hard in the quiet of the hallway.
"I don't know where to start," Lu Han said truthfully.
"The beginning is ideal." Myungsoo's voice, his presence, was at best a soothing balm to Lu Han, and at worst an annoyance. Never had he felt like every syllable was a whip lashing at his conscience, until now. "Who was that? Why did he say he was your boyfriend?"
"Because he is." Or was, he didn't know anymore.
"Whatever possessed you to think that I'd accept this?"
"I knew you wouldn't, I'm not stupid," Lu Han snapped, looking back at Myungsoo defiantly. He couldn't look him in the eyes for long, and settled for looking at the bridge of his nose. "But what else could I have done? I needed someone, and he was there." It was such a simple reply, but exactly the sort of answer Myungsoo never expected, and Lu Han knew it shot through Myungsoo, a bone-deep arrow of pain.
"What could you possibly need from someone like him?" Myungsoo sputtered, "I give you everything-"
"Not everything," Lu Han countered. "Do you think that if you gave me everything I would have gone to him? That I would have even thought about it? Not everything is about money and care packages, Myungsoo. I need your presence, your attention, your time, your concrete goddamned effort. I need you beside me in my happiest moments, and when I want to cry at the stupid k-dramas I watch. I need you to tell me it's fine when I fail a test. These are things that can't be done by my roommate, or classmate, or anyone else. But you weren't there. So I'm asking you again, what was I going to do?"
Myungsoo looked utterly dumbstruck by this outpouring of feelings. "I can't - but we talk-"
"A relationship can't survive on skype conversations and text messages alone," Lu Han added. "Especially when there wasn't that many fucks given in the first place, even before I left."
"You're telling me you're just wanting for attention?" Myungsoo said, quickly regrouping. "That's nothing but incredibly selfish of you-"
"Selfish? You're calling me selfish?" Something snapped inside him, and he barked out a short, bitter laugh. Myungsoo was right about him, but it's not as if his fiance didn't know there was a problem with himself as well. Lu Han had barely scratched the surface, really. It was a pain that was at once deeply frustrating and oddly self-sustaining. "That's rich coming from you. Real rich. You don't have to pretend anymore. You probably think of me only as an annoying little brother you had to look out for, that one constant thorn on your side, when you could have been enjoying your prime years and going to those fucking whorehouses like everyone says-"
"This nonsense again?" Myungsoo practically shouted."You're being ridiculous, Lu Han-"
"It's not just that. This obligation we've both had, I know you've never wanted it." He threw his hands up, tone rising until he the walls echoed with his voice.
"Well, guess what? This annoying little brother found someone else, so he can finally get out of your hair and you can live in peace and finally live your life the way you always wanted to!"
"Lu Han," Myungsoo said, and his eyes grew soft. It was like an iceberg, his name, a million things unspoken and hidden for every word said aloud.
Finally, Myungsoo said, heavy with unspoken regret, "To me, you were never an obligation or a burden. Far from it."
Lu Han allowed his back to hit the wall. He closed his eyes and slid down, clutching his stomach.
"Then can you honestly still say that even when I'm carrying someone else's child?"
If Myungsoo didn't believe him at first, there was no less solid evidence of his dalliance than the very person growing inside him. Myungsoo looked like he had all the air forced out of his lungs in a single punch to the gut.
"What's his name?" Myungsoo said, deceptively mild.
"You're not going to beat him up," Lu Han, suddenly feeling sick with dread.
"I'm asking you again, Lu Han. What. Is. His. Name."
Lu Han never answered.
It didn't take long for Myungsoo to find out. Myungsoo had always been respectful of his privacy, trusted him to be honest. But it was also common knowledge to Lu Han that he had eyes where everyone didn't, although he'd never admit it. Mere hours passed and Lu Han found himself rushing to Sehun's dorm after many of his classmates had texted that there was trouble brewing in the southern wing.
Lu Han was too late, but just in time for a front-row seat to Myungsoo shoving Sehun hard into the wall, the thud of Sehun's body against hard wood and the whoosh of lost breath ringing alarms in Lu Han's head.
"You little shit," Myungsoo snarled, two spots of angry red high on his cheeks. Any other onlooker would have mistaken Myungsoo for a seasoned fighter with a sailor's mouth to match, the way he cursed, but it was the first time Lu Han had ever seen him lose control. Myungsoo's eyes drifted scornfully over Sehun's thinner body. "You thought you could take Lu Han away from me?? You? What did you do to him? How dare you take what isn't yours."
Sehun laughed, actually fucking laughed, but he sagged in Myungsoo's grip. "I never knew he was yours to begin with. And you're dumb to think that you can own someone-"
"Shut the fuck up." Myungsoo backhanded him across the face; Sehun stumbled to the right with the force of it, a graceless, painful tangle on the floor. He'd almost got his hands and knees under him when Myungsoo stepped on his back and forced him back into the floor; he replaced his foot with a knee and grabbed a handful of Sehun's hair. He jerked Sehun's head into the air.
Sehun never struggled.
But his eyes were slitted dark - hot, angry, unafraid. He caught of sight of Lu Han, trembling in the crowd, and his eyes went a fraction wider. The undercurrent of betrayal flickered in his gaze, and Lu Han couldn't breath past the tight stretch of his throat, feeling like he could double over any minute.
"Don't go near him again." Myungsoo kept his grip on Sehun's hair so he's forced up to his knees.
"He lied to me. He lied to you," Sehun gasped as blood started to show from the freshly reopened gash on his lower lip. "And who wants a relationship with a liar? Not me. And you'd be twice as stupid to still want anything to do with him. But then again, you're stuck with him, aren't you? So who has the shorter end of the stick here?"
Myungsoo's entire face darkened, so much that it sent a shiver down Lu Han's spine. His foot was poised to kick Sehun's torso so hard that he would skid backwards across the floor, and Sehun didn't even want to put up a fight.
"Myungsoo, stop!" Lu Han rushed forward before any real damage could be done to Sehun, grasping Myungsoo by the elbow. "Please, don't hurt him. He got your point, he's going to leave me alone. Isn't that good enough for you?"
Myungsoo gave him a look that told him he didn't want to stop, not until Sehun's entire body was black and blue, but didn't pull his arm away from Lu Han's hold.
"You deserve each other, because you're both bullies. You beat me up from the outside, and him from the inside. It's practically the same, right? So go ahead, do your worst." Sehun had stood up with much difficulty, bent over as he spat out the blood between his teeth right at Myungsoo's feet. "There's nothing you can do to me that's worse than what Lu Han did."
Sad thing was, that was not uncalled for. Lu Han deserved it, but that didn't make him feel any less like he'd been knocked out.
"Sehun..." He took a tentative step forward. Please, Sehun, don't leave, I'm sorry-
It happened at once: Myungsoo's hand shooting out to grip his arm; Sehun snarling, "Don't touch me!"; the world winking out when fell into someone's arms.
He woke up to Yixing standing in the open doorway of their dorm. He blinked a few times, straightening his back and looking at Yixing through sleepy eyes.
"I had a nightmare, Yixing," he murmured, clutching his head as he tried to make sense of the mess in his mind. "I dreamt that Myungsoo and Sehun found out about each other, and Myungsoo tried to beat Sehun up. It was so awful, god." He looked all around the room, and noticed that it was... a bit barren. Especially on his side. "What the... where's my stuff? Is this a prank or something? I thought they only played pranks on freshmen."
Yixing was looking at his face so intently that Lu Han almost had an overwhelming urge to hide.
"That wasn't a nightmare, Lu Han," Yixing said slowly, voice plaintive. "Your fiance dropped you off after you fainted in the middle of his... encounter... with Sehun. I wasn't there, but I heard it wasn't pretty. Sehun didn't fight back." He noticed the look on Lu Han's face and cleared his throat. "Right. So your fiance dropped you off so you can at least say goodbye to me before you move back home."
"Move back... what are you talking about?"
"The moving guys came yesterday night while you were asleep. I was trying to wake you up but you're worse than a rock." Yixing's smile was sad and resigned. "I'm going to miss you, roomie."
He stormed inside Myungsoo's hotel room with all the force of an angry tornado, snuffing out all life along the way. Inside his head was a defiant mantra of no no no no no fuck no.
"You can't do this," he said brusquely, hounding on Myungsoo in the most formidable way possible. "You can't pull me out of university when the term hasn't even ended. You can't control my life."
"This is hardly control. It's the most sensible thing to do. Understand it's for the best, Lu Han," Myungsoo said calmly, tugging at his his sleeves to straighten them as if Lu Han wasn't fuming mere inches from his line of sight. "It would have done you no good to stay in school when you're in this condition. I've talked to all concerned authorities and they're letting you take a leave of absence for health reasons. You should be thankful for the break."
Lu Han gestured to his belly. "You call this a disability?"
"I didn't say that."
"You don't need to say it for me to hear it," Lu Han spat. "I know I did wrong, Myungsoo. I know you're angry, and I deserve it. But I want to continue school, I want to stay."
"You can continue the term when you're well enough to do so." There was a quiet intensity to the way Myungsoo fixed his tie. Frankly, it terrified Lu Han, made his skin feel tight. He sensed a shift in the space between them. Something sharp, immediate, electric.
"You just want me away from Sehun," he said, and it was a huge mistake to give voice to that one name, the way Myungsoo's gaze shot to him so fast. But he had to come out and say it. "Let's make a deal. I'll stay in school, I'll never see Sehun again - but," he added quickly, once Myungsoo had opened his mouth, "I will make arrangements for this child to see Sehun. It's only right to this baby and to Sehun. No child should be deprived of a parent."
"Counter-offer, and I have just one," Myungsoo said after a long moment. "I'm going to say that baby is mine."
Lu Han's eyes went wide like saucers.
"You don't want to give that child up, and neither do I. But I don't want you going near that person again. This way, our families aren't shamed by you, or by me for failing to keep an eye on your... activities."
Lu Han's raging mind sobered abruptly at the thought of their families. Oh, god. The blood pact between their grandparents, the close bond between their fathers and the integration of their corporate endeavors - all for naught when they find out Lu Han bore the bastard child of some university student with nary a bank account to his name. He'd be the disgrace of his entire clan when it was indoctrinated in him since he had learned to wobble that he was instrumental to the unity of the two families. Worse, he could be disowned and stripped of his name, and what would he have then?
Sehun...
But was that enough?
If he went with Sehun, how sure was he that no one would go after him? Or worse, after Sehun's head.
"Think about what's best for everyone involved," Myungsoo said, standing in front of Lu Han, a tiny bit of pleading in his voice.
"But you can never love this child because it's not yours," Lu Han said, voice breaking on the last word.
Myungsoo stepped even closer and touched his hand to Lu Han's stomach. No one apart from Sehun had touched him there. "I can love this child because it's yours."
There was no other way around it. Going with Myungsoo back home was truly the best move, as much as it pained him to admit. He had to leave in two days.
Myungsoo had left in the morning, saying that he had important business to attend to. Lu Han didn't say anything, didn't even wave off, but also didn't resist when Myungsoo had kissed him on the temple and whispered those three little words that made Lu Han want to retch and cry at the same time - all my love.
The night before his flight, instead of packing or doing anything productive with his belongings, some unknown force led his feet led to Sehun's door.
One last time. Just one last time.
"What the hell are you doing here?" Sehun scowled, steely and cold when he'd opened the door to Lu Han's incessant knocking. Seeing him again was like the flesh of an old wound opening up, and it hurt, oh, it hurt like a bitch.
Lu Han flinched, but didn't back down, holding the edge open when Sehun tried to push it back closed. Sehun's eyes burned into his frame. "Please, hear me out."
"Why? What else do you have to say? I'm sorry? Because that's not-"
"I'm leaving tomorrow to go back home," he said softly, his hands shaking, "to Beijing. My flight is at 7:30 in the morning so I wouldn't have time to drop by tomorrow... I just wanted to say goodbye. "
"And let me guess, thank you for the sex?"
"No. Look, Sehun, I fucked up. I'm sorry. I'd say this a hundred, a thousand times if I could. It's already difficult for me. Please, I never wanted you to find out like this."
"And if I never found out 'like this'? What then? You're going to keep lying to me the entire time we're together?" Sehun's mouth quirked up; the untrained eye it was like a hint of a smile, but Lu Han knew it held no humor. "And I'm forever the unsuspecting dumbass. You think you could hide a fucking fiance from me forever?"
"No, but-"
Sehun's words fired mercilessly, unceasing. "And when I found out that I was basically just your bed warmer, you think I'd be okay with it? Because you've gotten everything you wanted from me, right? That day inside the library, you already had me. I fell for you and your stupid pretty face, hook, line and sinker. When you wanted anything - food, sex, cuddles - wherever you wanted, I gave it to you. Who's to say you couldn't get more out of me? There's just no way little idiot Sehun-ah wouldn't agree to play second fucking fiddle to a rich douchebag just to please you!"
Lu Han blinked, tears he hadn't known he could shed sliding down his cheeks at the movement. Sehun stared back at him, sad and tired, swallowing and breathing hard, as if he'd just been running.
"I loved you, Lu Han," Sehun said, his jaw clenching. "And I loved sweet pea. But if you're leaving for good, I'd probably never see him again. So goodbye to both of you."
Lu Han couldn't take it anymore, sick of pretending like saying goodbye was nothing. He reached for Sehun, curling his hand around Sehun's chin and nape, and kissed him before Sehun could work out that he needed to get away. Sehun's lips were soft and damp, tasted like seaweed potato chips. He inhaled, parted his mouth, tilted for a better angle, wanting a slow, open crawl of tongues.
But Sehun was not responding. Lu Han's heart dropped like a ball of lead into his stomach - he didn't even know that he'd still had some hope left for this.
It took another second to work up the will, but Lu Han pulled back, let go through his fingers were reluctant to draw away from Sehun's skin. Sehun did his work for him, ducking his head out his grasp.
"Sehun, I-" will strip to the bone for you pare away flesh and blood to make myself clean for you be as honest as I can be peel away all the disguises. "I'm sorry."
"Just go." Sehun turned his face away, hand griping tight the edge of the door.
Tears rolling down cheeks would be the last memory they'd have of each other for a long time.
Clumps of anonymous travelers, and the occasional bevy of obvious tourists passed by and around Lu Han as he drew closer to the entrance/exit of the airport. He had never given up hope until then that he Sehun would come to see him at Incheon. He clung to this small hope all morning, despite their less than pleasant goodbye. He'd lined up and looked back over the queue every now and then, hoping to see Sehun's tall figure or his bored eyes or any sign of him. Anything at all.
However, once inside, the chances would begin to narrow rapidly. Once past immigration and in the lounge, the chance was close to nil.
One last time.
He glanced back.
He didn't know if it was a trick of the light, or his eyes were playing games with him, but he saw the distant shape of a red and blue cap that looked way too big for someone's head, peeking out over the crowd of well-wishers and relatives.
He entered the gates with a small smile and a hand curled around his belly.
Months later, and he couldn't forget that one sight. It was him. It had to be.
I love you no less tomorrow than I do today.
One night while he was alone boiling tea in the kitchen, in his parents' too-large house, he started to cry. He punched in Yixing's number with shaking fingers.
"Yixing," he sniffed. "Please give the phone to Sehun. I need to talk to him. Please."
"Lu Han, I've tried," Yixing said, soothing but worn out, "you know he doesn't want to talk. I'm sorry."
Lu Han was nearly hysterical, working himself into a state that he couldn't sleep for hours, and needed Yixing to comfort him hours into the early morning.
Lu Han was speechless when he first held his son in his arms. The new curves in his body, the little double chin he'd acquired six months into the pregnancy, the contractions and cramps, the agonizing caesarian operation - all worth it once he saw his little baby. He was a bit bigger than Lu Han expected. He was crying in the nurse's arms, but when Lu Han held him, he grew quiet.
There he was, Lu Han thought. His new reason to love.
"Name?" A nurse asks, clipboard in hand.
Lu Han held his baby tight, wriggling down into the hospital bed. "Ziyu," he whispered, kissing his son's soft forehead.
Ziyu gurgled softly.
Myungsoo came to his side about an hour later, rushing to the hospital from the office. When he tried to take Ziyu into his arms, Ziyu promptly began to wail.
"Hi, baby," he said, feeling silly for talking to his one-day old baby, swaddled in a big yellow towel in his arms. The afternoon sun streaming in through the blinds of the hospital room window illuminated he fine hairs on his baby's skin. Smooth skin, pink cheeks, pink rosebud lips.
When he opened his eyes, would it be more like his or Sehun's?
He swallowed, lips lifting in a smile. "You don't understand me yet, but I - I'm your baba." There was no way he was calling himself 'mom' or any other permutation of it, even though he'd been a good sport when Sehun joked about it before. "And you're my baby boy. My peanut. My sweet pea. Welcome to the world."
He traced a line over his baby's cheek, feeling contentment wash over him, intermingling with the distinct pang of wanting Sehun to be there, even if just for that moment. "I won't lie to you, baby. I'm sad. I wish your appa was here. But since you're here now, I'll be strong and take care of you. Even if appa left. Even if Myungsoo - that's your other daddy - leaves us. Even when it's just the two of us. I promise."
He wiped away the droplet of water that fell on Ziyu's temple, before wiping away the tears on his own cheeks.
He didn't go back to school.
He and Myungsoo had only started living together in a new house his parents bought for them after getting wind of Lu Han's pregnancy. Their reactions were a hilarious (for Lu Han, at least) mix of furious, upset and concerned. For some reason, they were convinced that Lu Han's pregnancy presented a significantly higher risk, or that complications could develop, or he could not come to term - all because it was conceived before marriage.
For all their money and influence, his parents were tragically stuck in old-world ideas.
They still weren't married, because Lu Han wanted to finish his university education first, and Myungsoo had agreed. However, Myungsoo was away most of the time. The house had two cooks (Myungsoo's personal chef and Lu Han's old nanny from when he was a baby, who his parents had sent to culinary school when Lu Han started high school), two cleaning ladies and a laundrywoman, all living in the house with them. But the company of all these people still left Lu Han feeling bored and lonely on most days.
Ziyu was the bright spot in his days. It was hard being a parent to a young baby, and sometimes he wanted to drop from exhaustion. Ziyu was for the most part a well-behaved baby, but when he wailed and cried, it took almost an hour before Lu Han could calm him down. And he preferred driving Lu Han crazy at the most ungodly hours of the night, too.
But Lu Han was happy, and would never trade it for anything in the world.
Once Ziyu turned a year old, Myungsoo had suggested that acquiring an army of nannies would be ideal. Lu Han was vehemently against this idea, as he was especially uncomfortable with the idea of anyone else raising his baby. God forbid Ziyu would mistake anyone else for his birth parent.
"We're not going to get just any nanny off the street," Myungsoo reasoned. "Of course you have free reign to screen and choose, based on qualifications, references, perhaps even emotional quotient level? Ah, and knowledge of more than one language is always a plus." He'd smiled tentatively, reaching out to take Ziyu from Lu Han's arms. Ziyu had long gotten used to Myungsoo's presence, had stopped crying whenever Myungsoo held him.
Lu Han wondered whether babies had innate parent sensors, because he couldn't shake off the feeling that Ziyu knew Myungsoo wasn't his other father. Myungsoo was, for all intents and purposes, his 'appa', but it had taken a long, long time for even Lu Han to get comfortable with the idea. Maybe Ziyu would adapt to the idea faster. They'd have to wait until he could talk to see.
"-Can't forget psychological tests, IQ tests," Myungsoo was saying, brushing Ziyu's delicate hair with two fingers. A bubble of drool gurgled happily out of Ziyu's mouth, falling on Myungsoo's collar, although Myungsoo was probably too busy contorting his face into weird shapes to notice.
Lu Han looked at Myungsoo then like he was insane. "We're not getting a nanny and that's final. I mean, you want to have people tested, Myungsoo. That's too much. I'm taking care of Ziyu."
"You'd have the chance to go back to school." Myungsoo said carefully. Ziyu was now drooling on his shoulder.
"No." He kept his gaze firm.
Myungsoo sighed, in a tone that plainly said this wasn't the end of it. "If that's what you want."
At four years old, Ziyu was at that age where he'd begun to first, have the propensity to ask too many questions; and second, bounce on the bed after binging on sugary snacks. Lu Han dealt with the second situation better, and was glad that it was what afflicted Ziyu tonight. He came into the room to the sound of the bed squeaking and Ziyu squealing in his Superman pajamas.
He smiled, putting hands on his hips. "How is baba going to read you a bedtime story if you're bouncing on the bed?"
"Want," bounce, "to," bounce, "grow!"
He jut his lower lip out in a comical pout. "You don't want a bedtime story?"
Ziyu bobbed his little head furiously, hair flying across his face. "Want!"
He got in one last good bounce, and then scrambled under the blankets and scooted over for Lu Han to curl up on the edge of the bed with him. A small stack of picture books were under the bed, and Lu Han grabbed one of Ziyu's current favorites, Deer and Puppy. Myungsoo wanted to recite multiplication tables and planetary facts to Ziyu, but Lu Han had argued against it, knowing that the nuances would be lost on a four-year-old with the attention span of a sugar-high knat.
"Can baba do the cute puppy voice again?" Ziyu requested, nestling under Lu Han's arm and against his chest so he can see the pictures.
Deer and Puppy was the story of two unlikely best friends who had met in the forest one summer day. It was never explained how, only that the puppy had become lost. Lu Han thought the book was set during the hunting season and the puppy had lost sight of its master. Ziyu insisted that the forest fairies gave them to each other because they were lonely.
All things considered, that was the better explanation.
"Of course, baby," he said, tugging Ziyu close and kissing the top of his head. "Baba can do all the voices you want."
"Even the princess voice in Princess Peaches and the Magical Ox? Ziyu said, excitedly.
"Especially the princess voice in Princess Peaches and the Magical Ox!"
Ziyu giggled. "Baba can do only the Ox voice before."
"Baba learns new voices when you sleep." He flipped to the first page, and began to read, "This is puppy. He has little legs and a little nose, little ears and little paws. But his heart was not little, no, not at all...
Ziyu had gone to sleep after Lu Han re-read Deer and Puppy a second time, this time with animated flailing and air-kicking, in an attempt to recreate the happy tousle during the reunion between the two friends, after Puppy thought Deer had gone to another forest.
Lu Han didn't know who wrote these things either and why they were needlessly complicated, but it still amazed him how Ziyu's eyes were wide with hope that Deer would return... even if he'd heard this story approximately a hundred and twenty times.
He returned to the master bedroom, heading straight to the mini-fridge. He surveyed the range of seven different types of Italian mineral water, sparkling and still, before deciding on a glass from the bottle of San Pellegrino wine, hidden behind a bowl of frozen plums. On his way to the balcony, there on the bedstand was a box of five different kinds of European pastries and ten different kinds of tea from all over the world. Lu Han idly wondered what demon Myungsoo had made a pact with again to procure food fit for royalty. Yet again.
He stood barefoot on the balcony drinking his glass of wine, dressed in a loose robe tied around the waist. He let his mind drift off to unknown whereabouts as the night breeze blew his now dark hair in wayward directions.
Not long after, he heard footsteps behind him. He entirely unable to prevent the shiver that wracked his body. Yixing had often called him a delicate, climate-controlled flower, which was unfortunately pretty accurate.
"If the heat in this room isn't satisfactory, you should say so. But going out here is counter-productive, don't you think?" It was Myungsoo-speak for 'you're cold'. Lu Han was uncertain sometimes whether he was being patronized, but Myungsoo just said, "Here, let me-" and then wrapped one warm arm firmly around Lu Han's shoulders. The warm press of Myungsoo's body went a long way toward minimizing the chill, alright. All his senses had to focus on was the steady movement of Myungsoo's breathing and the increasing rasp of his voice.
"I'm fine." He closed his eyes, feeling Myungsoo's lips on his neck. "How was work?"
"Hardly interesting." Myungsoo's lips brushed his ear, and he could't help the sigh he made, the shiver running down his spine having nothing to do with the temperature. "I'm sorry for coming home late. I promised to be home by eight and I wasn't able to keep it."
"Duty calls. And duty comes first," Lu Han murmured, and damn right he had license to be pissed because Myungsoo promised a playdate with Ziyu - oh god, Myungsoo's tongue - deliberately licking the curl of his ear before taking the lobe in between sharp teeth, and the moan that Lu Han made at that couldn't possibly leave Myungsoo with any doubt that he was horny and ripe for the taking.
They had started sleeping together six months after Ziyu was born. The first time they had sex was nothing short of spontaneous.
It didn't take long for Lu Han to lose the baby weight. Well and good, because he didn't want to burst into spontaneous tears whenever he looked into the bathroom mirror. He was so happy when he stepped off the scale that he rushed to Myungsoo, in all his sexy naked glory, and threw himself into his arms.
Myungsoo was understandably confused and flustered at having an armful of naked Lu Han. He thought Lu Han was just in one of his post-baby "moods."
"Touch me," Lu Han demanded, pushing Myungsoo back on the bed.
Moody or not, Lu Han didn't hear one word of protest when he gave Myungsoo the best head he's ever had. Sure, there was a minute of of tentative cradling of Lu Han's head, not wanting to hurt him, but after another minute, his resolve wasted away and he was thrusting deeply into the heat of Lu Han's mouth. He almost wanted to let Myungsoo blow his load down his throat, but curiosity overcame. What would it be like to finally fuck Myungsoo?
What resulted then was tentative, sometimes shy, but in the final minutes of fucking, Myungsoo would give it to him rough, fast, and hard, as if he was trying to work all the years of frustration into the way they moved together. It had left Lu Han walking funny for two days, hating all the chairs in the house, and wincing whenever he had to wear a thin shirt. It was a good way to forget, and to keep on forgetting.
And now -
The next moments were a blur of sucking kisses against Lu Han's neck that left him gasping before Myungsoo relented and pressed their lips together.
Myungsoo kissed the same after all these years - like a man who learned the hard way to take what he wanted, like a man who spent his whole life bein whtat other people expected. It was a selfish, almost brutal way of kissing; he was opening his mouth against Lu Han's and licking in again, and again, no-holds-barred. It's so hot and violently arousing that all he could do was open his mouth and suck on Myungsoo's tongue, and make more of those horrible unmanly gasps when Myungsoo nibbled at his lips and tried to press their bodies closer.
Myungsoo was still in a sleek suit that he wanted more than nothing to wrinkle up, and Lu Han thought it terribly unfair how wrapped up Myungsoo was. So he ground his hips in a tight, slow circle across Myungsoo's crotch, leaning forward to make short work of the button-down shirt. He was about to kiss one of Myungsoo's nipples, when Myungsoo held up a hand.
"What now?" he said, impatiently.
Myungsoo bent over, putting arms under his legs and back. Lu Han shrieked in surprise, kicking at the air a little.
"Were you honestly that surprised?" Myungsoo whispered as he laid Lu Han down on the bed, very gently. He untied Lu Han's robe with one hand and curled a lukewarm palm around Lu Han's cock. "Or are you... just teasing?"
Myungsoo was cute when he was trying to be subtle. It reminded Lu Han oh how young they both really were.
Lu Han, however, was the precise opposite of subtle. He writhed shamelessly when Myungsoo pressed a finger against his lips, sucking his finger, going down on it like he would go down on Myungsoo's dick if only Myungsoo would shimmy out of his pants and briefs now - no, fuck the clothes - he pushed his hand straight down the front of Myungsoo's pressed trousers and gripped his dick, hard.
"The things you make me feel." Myungsoo's voice was a gritty rasp, a contrast to the series of small, gentle kisses he left across Lu Han's face, jerking in Lu Han's touch. "The things I want to do to you."
That pretty much spoke for itself.
Once Myungsoo had all his clothes out the way, he had Lu Han get on his knees as he squirted lube all over his fingers. He pushed three fingers in, rough, twisting them, reaching forward with his free hand to catch Lu Han's shoulder when Lu Han started gasping and squirming. Myungsoo had enough armspan - because Lu Han was shorter enough than Myungsoo for it to make a big difference - to pull Lu Han back against his hand, over and over, opening him up and making sure he was ready.
Lu Han could feel the stress of the day in the way Myungsoo fucked. It had been like this for a few months now, especially since Myungsoo had started to take on bigger projects and met more people.
Myungsoo reached for one of the condom packets in the drawer.
"Are you alright?" Myungsoo asked in a strangled voice, like he'd only realized just now how fast they've gone, how rough he'd been, "do you need a minute-"
"Go on," Lu Han said, because rough or not, he's still painfully hard and only half paying attention to what Myungsoo was saying.
"If you're really okay," said Myungsoo, positioning himself behind Lu Han and pressing in slowly.
Lu Han cried out when Myungsoo entered him. Myungsoo soothed him with soft strokes of his hand over skin, murmuring, "Ssh... gentle now, darling. Easy... just relax into it." The head of Myungsoo's dick popped past the ringed muscle and pressed further, and Lu Han could tell Myungsoo was trying very hard to be more gentle now than he was mere minutes ago when practically had his entire fist in his ass. Achingly slow he sank in deeper and deeper until he was balls-deep. "That's it, love. Take it in..."
Myungsoo traced his hands all over Lu Han's body and placed kisses along his spine at random intervals, fucking him slowly. All Lu Han could do was writhe and moan, push after push after push, sparks of pleasure flying down his thighs and thin sheen of sweat to coat his skin.
"Babaaaaa!"
God, no.
"Babaaaaaa!" There it was again, accompanied with a slight noise of tiny fists banging on the door to their bedroom.
There was really no better boner killer than his kid crying. He went soft so fast he could win an award for it.
Myungsoo pulled out, having gone soft as well. He laid back on the headboard with a sigh, wiping a hand over his eyes. "Go, he needs you," he said over the din of Ziyu's wails.
"You don't need to tell me," Lu Han retorted, hurriedly tying his robe around his waist.
He scooped Ziyu into his arms the second he was outside, rocking him gently and humming under his breath. He bit his lip as he waited for the tiny body shaking in his arms to calm down. Eventually, the soft cries mellowed to quiet whimpers as Lu Han stood up and began kissing Ziyu's tear-filled cheeks.
He hated this. His heart broke every time Ziyu woke up sobbing from night terrors.
"It's alright, baby, it's alright. Baba's here, baba's got you."
"Sweet Pea," Ziyu said, sniffing, a chubby fist curled around the collar of Lu Han's robe. "I'm Sweet Pea."
He never meant for it to happen, but 'sweet pea', which used to be just a cute little nickname, had become Ziyu's 'magical name'. It upgraded to 'knight name' when he started reading him stories about princes and dragons, although Lu Han told him that they'd be hard pressed to find a knight named 'sweet pea' but its purpose stayed the same. It was like Ziyu's shield and armor, and whenever he had nightmares, he believed that being 'sweet pea' made him better, less afraid of the monsters under the bed.
He felt fleetingly guilty for having sex while his son was having nightmares, miserable and crying alone in his room. With Ziyu safe in his arms, he walked to the next door room. The two star-shaped night lamps were both open, despite Ziyu claiming once that he was now big enough to sleep with no light on.
"Baba make ghosts go away?" Ziyu murmured as Lu Han tucked him back inside his blankets. He didn't let go of Lu Han's neck the entire time. "I don't want to sleep."
Lu Han brushed Ziyu's hair out of his forehead, kissing his temple. "Silly baby, the ghosts are gone already. Sweet Pea made them go away, not me."
Ziyu appeared to consider. "Sweet Pea is brave," he concluded.
Lu Han laughed, leaning forward to rub his nose against Ziyu's. "Yes, he is. The bravest little boy of all."
"More brave than baba and appa?"
"The bravest. You even saved appa from boogeyman!"
Ziyu's little mouth went slack. "Appa fought with boogeyman?"
Lu Han nodded solemnly. "Yes. But!" He lifted his finger for emphasis. "Sweet Pea the Brave Knight went knock-knock-knocking on the door, and boogeyman was scared away. Because he knows!"
"Knows what, baba?" Ziyu's tears had long gone now. His eyes were sparkling with excitement.
Lu Han was getting into it, too. "He knows you were coming to slay him!"
"Like a dragon?"
"Exactly like a dragon!"
Ziyu's gasped excitedly, reaching over to hug his beloved stuffed dog plushie that was nearly twice or thrice his size. It was the same one he won at the carnival four years ago. "Can Mr. Snuggles come, too?"
"Yes, of course. Mr. Snuggles plays a very important role. He can fly when Sweet Pea is in trouble..."
It was almost thirty minutes later when Ziyu finally went back to sleep and Lu Han, slouched over and exhausted, stumbled back into bed. Myungsoo had fallen asleep,too, a hand over his eyes and about two layers of blankets above his chest.
"And it's me complaining about the heater," Lu Han muttered, turning away from Myungsoo as he tried to sleep.
It was Myungsoo who first broached the subject of resuming his studies.
He was scheduled to leave again the following week; one of the companies he handled had plans to buy up a major plot of crucial, undeveloped natural land and was planning on turning it into either an upscale housing village or a shopping centre. There had been much running around and talking on the cellphone on Myungsoo's part, and finally the deal was as good as done. They only had papers to sign. The problem was the bastards who held the title apparently wanted Myungsoo and his team to make a personal appearance for further survey. They probably wanted to renegotiate terms.
And course, said plot of land had to be in Seoul.
"You could look at it as a vacation of sorts," Myungsoo said. "Mostly it's an opportunity for you to start looking at schools."
"Why not here in Beijing?" Saying he had doubts about going back to Seoul was a gross understatement. He couldn't understand why Myungsoo was insistent.
"Oh, come now, Lu Han. I know you miss being in Korea. Sometimes you get that far-away look..." He coughed, and cleared his throat. "You want to study Asian Literature along with Economics, right? SNU's program is one of the best in Asia, if not the best overall."
"Yes, it is," Lu Han said slowly. This was kind of a touchy subject. "Until you got me kicked out."
"Getting kicked out is different from taking a leave of absence." Myungsoo waved a dismissive hand. "I'm sure a few phonecalls and you'd be back in university in no time. That is, if you still want to continue in SNU."
He considered the pros and cons.
Pros: He did miss Korea. A lot, actually. He missed the food, sights, smells, even the gaudy music. He missed his friends. He missed Yixing, who he had not seen in a long while except for Yixing's one trip to Changsha that had Beijing as a two-day stopover. Since his old roommate was still based in Seoul as a graphic designer and freelance artist, he rarely came back to China. SNU did have the best program for his preferred area of study. And if not SNU, he still wanted to study Asian Literature, especially Korean literature. He'd had enough of Chinese literature, both ancient and modern, to last him a lifetime anyway, and he wanted something different.
Cons: Only one came to mind - Sehun.
But he didn't know where Sehun was. He had lost all contact with him over the years. If Yixing knew where he was or what he was doing, it was never spoken of between them. And he didn't want to ask either, fearing the answer. Maybe he was married now, beating even Lu Han, who had a predetermined betrothed, to the altar.
Maybe he had waited for Lu Han.
No matter. It was no use thinking of Sehun now. Myungsoo clearly didn't consider Sehun a threat at all, the way he was so eager to take Lu Han with him back to Seoul.
"Ziyu has to come with us," Lu Han said, taking the plunge.
Myungsoo smiled. "I wouldn't have it any other way."
They had a nighttime flight, and Lu Han was afraid Ziyu wouldn't be able to sleep. It was his first time traveling in a plane, after all. As extra precaution Lu Han had wrapped Ziyu up in two layers of jackets, an extra thick scarf around his neck and a little blue beanie on his head. He almost squealed at the adorable picture his baby made, until he was reminded that Ziyu had never done this before. And then it was back to panicking.
"Relax." Myungsoo rubbed a soothing hand on his back. It was embarrassing how both his fiance and his son were calmer than he was. Passersby would think he was the one with first plane ride jitters.
Ziyu's eyes were closed, a finger stuck inside both ears during take-off. His feet were dangling off Lu Han's lap.
"Keep still, baby," Lu Han instructed, but he was the one with shaking hands. Myungsoo was trying not to laugh.
When they finally in the air, Myungsoo got up from his seat and made a beeline for the restroom. Meanwhile, Ziyu hopped off from Lu Han's knees and stuck his face to the windowpane.
"Where are we going, baba?"
"Seoul, sweet pea."
Ziyu jumped around enthusiastically. "Can I have chocolate ice cream in Seoul?" Myungsoo had forbidden him from eating chocolate ice cream recently, something about it being too destructive to his young metabolic system. Lu Han suspected it was just an excuse to lessen the sugar high episodes that had Ziyu clinging to Myungsoo's leg while he worked late hours.
Lu Han chuckled, picking Ziyu up by the waist and blowing a raspberry on his clothed stomach. "Anything you want, baby. Anything you want."
They'd barely settled into the high-rise condominium when Yixing called, asking to meet. It had been the most excited he'd ever heard his ex-roommate sound. As well he should, anyway, since it had been a little over two years since they'd last met. They had kept in constant contact through hour-long international phonecalls and emails, but Yixing kept himself busy these days with his job as a graphic designer for an advertising firm, doing freelance art on the side. As such, he hardly had time to go back to Changsha, let alone visit Lu Han in Beijing.
He agreed to meet with Yixing in a coffeeshop not far from the university, despite misgivings that being near the place would remind him of his time with Sehun. Of course he had to bring Ziyu; it was about time Ziyu put a face to 'baba's best friend' that was also his unofficial godfather. However, Ziyu did not get much sleep on the plane, and so Lu Han had an armful of sleeping four-year-old when he stepped into KopiKopi.
He almost regretted it because, what the hell, was that Justin Bieber playing over the tiny speakers?
But then he smelled the coffee, Americano, strong and seductive, and it was enough to propel him though the beaten-up doors. He spotted the back of Yixing's head on one of the stools, and he grinned, weaving past metal chairs to surprise his friend.
"Jesus, Lu Han!" Yixing shrieked after Lu Han covered Yixing's eye with his free hand. "Never do that again, you bi-" Yixing shut his mouth when he caught sight of Ziyu cradled in Lu Han's arms.
"Surprise?"
"Is that my godson?" Yixing looked like he was fighting the urge to squeal. "And have I mentioned that you look amazing? You don't look like you have a son at all. Where's the eyebags, the wrinkles? What is in the air up there in Beijing? Or have you changed bb cream brands since I last saw you on skype?"
"Unofficial godson." Lu Han smirked. "And thanks, I know. No, I didn't change my bb cream brand. You're just saying all this so I take you on my Myeongdong shopping spree later."
Yixing chuckled. "I'm that obvious, huh?" He held out his arms towards Ziyu, very lightly stroking Ziyu's cheek. "Can I hold him? He's so cute! Like, really, really cute."
"Of course he is, he's my kid," Lu Han pointed out, pride in his voice.
Yixing leaned forward, intently inspecting Ziyu's face. Good thing his baby was asleep, or else he would have "accidentally" slapped Yixing. "Lu Han, I didn't see it much in pictures, but he really looks like you, my god. A real mini-you. I see almost no trace of Se-"
The look on Lu Han's face shut that thought right up.
Yixing looked sheepish, at least. He waited for Lu Han to sit down with Ziyu, before continuing."Er, so. Are you going back to SNU or did you decide on another university?"
He nodded. "I'm going back there on Monday to ask about admission requirements."
"You mean your husband hasn't done that for you?"
"He's still my fiance, remember? And no." He narrowed his eyes, displeased. "Myungsoo can't serve everything on a silver platter."
Yixing shrugged. "It'll make your life a little easier. It's not as if you're not used to the easy way." His gaze slid over to Ziyu. He leaned forward, lowering his volume. "Tell me the truth. Are you actually here to see Sehun again?"
Lu Han would be lying if he said he hadn't thought about it - but... "No. I haven't heard from him in a long time. And besides, Myungsoo wouldn't allow me to come here with Ziyu if Sehun was around."
"So? You're a grown-ass man now, you can do whatever the hell you want. In my understanding, you're just as well-off as Myungsoo is. You can travel the world, take Ziyu with you. You didn't even have to study in Seoul - you can do it anywhere in the world - and yet here you are."
Lu Han felt a slight headache coming. "It's not that simple, Yixing. You know that."
"Try me."
"If I break off mine and Myungsoo's engagement, do you think my parents will still give me money? Even though I'm legally an adult, my parents had other conditions for access to the trust fund - I can't claim it yet because I don't have my degree. When I finish university, my fate is tied to Myungsoo's - I have to marry him. Not just because of the blood pact, but because..." He gulped, looking down at his sleeping son. "For Ziyu, too. I want him to have a good life. Myungsoo has been good to both of us, and to be honest, it's more than I deserve considering..."
"Ah, I see. It's kind of like a life debt? You can't leave Myungsoo because you owe him for the kindness he's given? Voluntarily, if I may add. If you love him, that's not a problem, I suppose." Yixing eyed him intently, evaluating. It made Lu Han squirm involuntarily in his seat, but he was careful not to wake Ziyu. "But do you, really?"
"I care for Myungsoo, as he does for me. I've known him since I was a baby. I've become so familiar-"
"Lu Han, familiarity and care does not equal love."
"Since when did you care so much about love? Last time I checked you were still sleeping with male strippers you picked up in bars."
"I can do that because I don't have a toddler depending on me," Yixing said evenly. "I don't have a fiance I'm indebted to either, who I'm only staying with out of gratitude, when I really want someone else-"
"Why does it always have to be about Sehun?" The words came out of his mouth before he could stop it.
"Baba?" Ziyu stirred in his arms. He said that louder than he thought, damnit.
"Go back to sleep, baby," he said, hurriedly, stroking Ziyu's hair and silently wishing his son could hear him telepathically.
Too late, Ziyu's back started to straighten up as his chubby fists rubbed the sleep from his eyes. He blinked a few times before focusing his gaze on Yixing, who had almost immediately screeched in a rather unmanly way and reached for Ziyu with both arms.
"Hello, little muffin!" Yixing sing-songed, their earlier verbal tiff forgotten.
"I'm sweet pea!" Ziyu chirped enthusiastically.
"Sweet pea?"
"That's his nickname."
Yixing grinned. "That's unbearably adorable. Well, little sweet pea, I'm your unofficial godfather, but you can call me Uncle Yixing. Aren't you the most precious thing ever? Oh, Lu Han, I'm gonna die from the cute!"
"Calm down." Lu Han laughed; Yixing was acting like a toddler himself. "And thanks, I know I'm cute."
"Shut up, oh my god. His eyes are huge! And his cheeks!" Yixing looked like he was about to burst. "Can I pinch?"
"It's a hole." Ziyu's voice was soft in awe and wonder. He squirmed closer until he almost at Lu Han's knees. "Baba, look. It's a hole."
He was staring at Yixing's dimple. Lu Han laughed at Yixing's apparent confusion. "No, baby. That's a dimple. Uncle Yixing is special, that's why he has it."
"That's true," Yixing agreed, nodding. "I'm special, like a magical wish-granting unicorn." Oh, god, was his friend high on mushrooms at this time of day or something?
Ziyu shyly poked Yixing's dimple with one finger. He did it again and again and again. Finally, satisfied, he concluded, "I like dimple."
"So cute!" Yixing wailed, stripping himself of all semblance of manliness or dignity, taking Ziyu into his arms and hugging him tight. Ziyu flailed around, giggling and poking Yixing's dimple some more.
Lu Han sat back and watched Yixing try to contort his normal .jpg expression into something resembling a funny face, glad that Sehun was out of their minds for now. There was practically a one in a thousand chance of running into him, anyway. Of course he'd have already graduated by now, probably living on his own and working. The possibility of a new relationship was high as well. He must have forgotten about Lu Han. He must have forgotten about their son.
If only forgetting came easily for him, too.
The original plan was to have both Ziyu and Yixing come with him to Myeongdong once the chauffeur was there, but Yixing offered to take Ziyu off his hands and have some 'bonding time' with his 'unofficial godson'.
Lu Han was hesitant at first. "You forget things," he said simply. "Remember that one time you actually walked to class in your boxers?"
Yixing looked offended for a moment, clutching Ziyu tightly. Ziyu was fiddling with the golden zippers of Yixing's jacket, oblivious to Lu Han's dilemma. "I would not forget a live person. Especially not someone as adorable as Ziyu."
Lu Han bent forward, going eye-level with Ziyu. "Baby, do you want to go with Uncle Yixing for the afternoon?"
Ziyu trained huge, watery eyes at Yixing, blinking furiously. "Can I have chocolate ice cream?"
Yixing tapped his chin. "There's a fro-yo shop two blocks from here. Would that be okay? It's healthier. So you won't end up like your baba here with the thunder thighs-"
"I'm this close to kicking you-"
"What do you say, darling?" Yixing ignored him entirely.
"Okay!" Ziyu said happily.
Lu Han started a mental countdown the moment they were out the door.
True to form, it took only an hour before Yixing called. He was eating street food, sitting on a bench overlooking a spacious bazaar when his phone vibrated. Good thing he was expecting it, which was why he sat himself down in the first place.
"Don't kill me," Yixing started. Lu Han was definitely going to wring his neck at this one. He heard the faint sound of whining in the background. "But Ziyu saw SHO book store on the way back from the ice cream shop and wanted to go in. And you know, he's so cute I couldn't resist saying yes even though I had no money-"
"What?!"
"I had money to pay for the ice cream and the cab back but it was all change in my pocket! I, uh, sorta forgot my wallet at home." And of course Lu Han hadn't noticed in the coffeeshop because he paid for everything they ate and drank.
Lu Han wanted to scream. Instead, he massaged his temple and said, "Okay, do you need me to pick you guys up?"
"Uh, yeah. Is that okay?"
"What do you think? You have my kid," Lu Han said, voice rising up a few notches. "Where's SHO Bookstore?"
Yixing gave him directions, then added, "And you better hurry. Ziyu's been crying for the past few minutes. I've only had him calm down a little now. I told him I didn't have money yet to buy the books he wanted... so he kept running around with them and trying to get out the door. Your kid can run! Other people inside were already giving us looks so this touchy old lady even called in the manager!"
SHO Bookstore was gargantuan compared to all others he'd ever visited, in Beijing, Seoul or anywhere else. From the outside, Lu Han had almost mistaken it for a small plaza. The facade was incredibly modern - glass windows and an electronic sliding door. Once inside, it had an unique old-world charm, the kind that made anyone want to pick up a book from one of the big wooden bookcases and read on the leather sofas. The smell of brewed coffee wafted through the air - there must be a cafe somewhere, he surmised.
The bookstore wasn't packed with people, but it had its fair number of customers for a random weekday afternoon. He glanced around and, not seeing a toddler or a certain ex-roommate running about, decided to call the latter.
"Where are you?" he asked, irritably. "I'm here at SHO, first floor by the entrance."
"Oh, hey, Lu Han. Ziyu is at the kids' playpen on the third floor." He blinked. Bookstores had a playpens now? "You should come up. Ziyu's enjoying himself. Good thing the manager dropped by, he really managed to calm Ziyu down."
As soon as Yixing said 'third floor', he'd gone to the escalators. When he reached second floor, however, he easily spotted Yixing scouring the graphic design section. He huffed, walking over to Yixing, wondering what the hell was wrong with Yixing. He almost facepalmed when Yixing greeted him with a huge smile. "You left Ziyu? Yixing, give me one good reason why I shouldn't lynch you right at this moment."
"I didn't leave him, okay? He's at the playpen, a very secure place. There are kids' books and everything plus a mini-playground. " Yixing sounded strangely serene, with a tinge of sly. "I told you, the manager really managed to calm him down. Don't worry so much."
"You left him with strangers," Lu Han pointed out. "God, I don't even know why I let you take him for the afternoon." He grabbed Yixing by the elbow, fully prepared to drag him up to the third level, but Yixing resisted.
"You go. I still have to look at all these design books!" He pointed to said books to emphasize. "Just meet me down when you're ready to leave."
Damn Yixing and his forgetfulness, his games, his everything. Lu Han wasn't even done cursing two generations of descendants when he heard familiar high-pitched giggling. He sighed in relief, scuffing his shoes softly over the carpet as he made his way over to the playpen.
"I save all kinds of princesses and I ride unicorns and I slay all the dragons!"
And then, another familiar voice. "And your name is sweet pea." The laugh that followed made Lu Han stop in his tracks altogether. "I didn't know knights can be named sweet pea."
"My baba said that, too! But I said I slay-ed the boogeyman under his bed and he believed me! My baba is smart," Ziyu concluded proudly.
"Really? Well, then I believe you, too. I have a feeling your baba was very smart indeed, if he had you. It's lucky we're meeting, you see, because I've been having boogeyman problems recently. I can't sleep! Will you help me, brave knight sweet pea?"
Lu Han's swallowed what felt like a thick furball. He stepped closer.
"Okay, Sehunnie!"
Oh fucking Sehun was crouched on one knee in front of Ziyu, stroking his - their son's hair. He could only see his back, but it was still that same strong back, long and lean, that he'd spent many a night clinging and clawing against. Sehun's voice was remarkably the same, still that curious mix of sleepy and slightly husky, with a childlike inflection.
God, what did I do to deserve this? Why now?
Just then, Ziyu caught sight of him. He waved excitedly. "Hi, baba! Look, I made a new friend, Sehunnie!"
"That's Sehunnie-hyung to you-"
Sehun turned around, standing up to full height as he did so. In a few seconds, Lu Han took in everything. Sehun's face was almost the same, if not for the obvious transformation from boy to young man. The physical maturation suited him, his face was sharper and cheekbones more pronounced. He'd grown a little taller and his body had also become toned with slight muscle definition. But his eyes - he carried weariness in bags, trenching in fine lines across his eyelids.
Lu Han supposed loss did that to Sehun.
He thought all these years that he was the only unfortunate one.
Sehun's entire body froze when their eyes met.
"... Lu Han?"
"Sehun," he said, willing himself to stay calm. "Can you please..."
Sehun looked - not just lost for words, but like he was lost in some vacuum of space. He whipped his head around to look at Ziyu, and the moment Lu Han dreaded, the moment of realization, dawned on Sehun's features immediately after seeing Ziyu's huge, blinking eyes.
"He is... our son?"
Lu Han closed his eyes, and nodded. "Yes. Now, please -" He looked Sehun straight in the eye, ignoring the pang in his heart. "Get away from him."
Sehun wasted no time - he grabbed Lu Han's elbow, head bowed and shoulders sagged. Ziyu was looking at their exchange curiously, perhaps wondering why his new friend and Lu Han were positioned so close when they'd only just met.
"Lu Han," Sehun finally croaked, the quick deterioration of his voice something Lu Han did not miss. He moved closer until their shoulders touched. Lu Han made no move to get away, but his whole posture stiffened at the touch. "We need to talk."
Lu Han had his pride, amongst other things. So, he said, raising his head but avoiding eye contact altogether, "We have nothing to talk about. Let me go, Ziyu and I have to leave. Yixing is waiting for us."
Sehun's grip tightened.
Lu Han allowed himself one - just one - small glance at Sehun's face. He looked lost and afraid. It was both foreign and familiar to Lu Han, to see his former lover again in this state. Sehun looked like a small boy, lost in a vast mausoleum of the past.
As much as Lu Han wanted to think it served him right, he couldn't.
Yes, a huge chunk of their current situation was Lu Han's fault - up until the moment he left for Beijing four years ago. When Sehun made the decision to ignore his pleas to come after him at the airport that night, Sehun's meter of faults began to tick. From then on, there was a constant back-and-forth loop of 'my fault' and 'his fault' that haunted him the past few years since they'd parted ways. Ziyu's presence had dulled it a great deal, and sometimes as did Myungsoo's, but-
Ziyu was the living reminder of Sehun. He never regretted having Ziyu, but there was always that lingering question at the back of his mind - What if Sehun was here with me?
Admitting that within five minutes within meeting Sehun was not an option, not when their - his son was a few meters away.
He had to stop thinking in terms that necessarily implied a joint or shared venture. When he broke his promise and let Lu Han go, he let Ziyu go as well.
"I know you probably... don't want to see me. But that talk... it's long overdue. I've - I've missed you," he said, so sincerely that Lu Han held back from making a snide remark that would probably hurt him more than it would Sehun. Yes, it was long overdue. But so were a lot of things about him and Sehun. "And I've missed..."
He turned his head very slightly towards Ziyu, who had now wandered off to the blocks.
Lu Han closed his eyes, breathing deep. "I need to get Ziyu."
"Lu Han-"
Lu Han pulled away from his grasp without another word, stepping over the makeshift white fence and walking to where Ziyu was playing. Sehun did not follow, but stayed rooted to the spot.
"Baby, it's time to leave," Lu Han said. It came out firmer than he intended.
"But baba," Ziyu whined, "Sehunnie promised to read me books!"
"I'll read you all the books you want when we get home." He picked Ziyu up by the waist. Ziyu flailed his arms like a particularly wild octopus, almost smacking Lu Han in the face. He extended his arms as far as he could towards Sehun, who was watching both of them with an expression akin to heartbreak.
"I want to read with Sehunnie!" Ziyu whined loudly, switching again to Korean.
"No, you don't," Lu Han said, growing irritated without meaning to.
"But he promised!"
"Well, he breaks his promises so don't bet on it," Lu Han snapped, just as loudly. Immediately, Ziyu's cheeks colored a pale red, and his eyes welled up with tears. People started to stare, and other children inside the playpen were tilting their heads curiously. Sehun stepped towards them before Ziyu got the chance to pound his fists against Lu Han's chest and wail for the entire floor to hear.
"Hey," Sehun said. Amazing how his voice transformed into light and happy when his face still looked stricken. Lu Han told himself he wanted Ziyu to stop crying, and that was why he allowed Sehun to hold Ziyu's hand, twining their pinkies. "I'll read to you when you come back. Okay? So stop crying. Or else your mommy here would get sad. Sweet pea doesn't want mommy to be sad, right?"
"Umma?" Ziyu echoed, sniffing. "I have baba and appa, but no umma."
"Ah. Of course you don't," Sehun said softly.
"Baba doesn't like me saying he's mama," Ziyu added.
Sehun had the nerve to smile, though brittle. "He never did like that."
"We're leaving," Lu Han said, carrying Ziyu away. The moment their pinkies separated, Ziyu's eyes went wide and watery.
He cradled Ziyu's head, rubbing his back as he quickly made his way down.
He made it a point not to look at Sehun. If he did, he was sure it would break him.
Lu Han and Yixing sat in tense silence almost the entire ride home, the air occasionally punctuated with Ziyu's tiny sniffles. They had about ten minutes to go before they reached the condominium; the way Yixing was studiously staring at Ziyu, at him, then at Ziyu was beginning to irk Lu Han for reasons unknown. Or rather, reasons he'd rather not acknowledge.
Lu Han didn't like silence, and usually took the effort to fill it. This time, the silence was mostly because if he started talking, he wasn't sure what he would say, or that he'd be able to stop, and it was entirely possible he'd wind up saying exactly the wrong thing again and mess this up too, if this wasn't already completely messed up and he was just too dumb to recognize it.
"Darling, why are you crying?" Yixing finally said, very gently, lowering his entire body to eye-level with Ziyu.
"B-because..."
"Because?"
"Baba was mean to my friend!" Ziyu said loudly, burying his cheek in the seat cushion. When Lu Han reached for him, Ziyu batted his hands away. "You're mean and I hate you!"
"You don't mean that, baby." Lu Han tried to placate him by gently bringing him back to proper seating position, but Ziyu wouldn't budge where he'd smushed his face against the cushion. He closed his eyes and sighed, trying to squash the feeling of defeat and utter sadness knawing at the pit of his stomach. "Baby, please, listen to baba."
"No! I hate you!"
"If he doesn't want to get up, let him stay like that." Yixing spoke to him directly for the first time since they'd entered the car. Lu Han saw the quicksilver flash of concern mixed with pity before it was back to the mask of indifference. Lu Han's temper grew just a little, because pity?
"Fine," Lu Han said hoarsely, an acrid taste in his mouth. He returned Yixing's look, keeping one arm around Ziyu's shoulder just in case the car lurched on humps. "You're staying for dinner."
"Sure," Yixing replied casually. "I want to see your new place. Must be loads better than the dump we used to stay at."
His and Myungsoo's three-level condominium in Gangnam was in the highest floor of a building aptly named 'Golden Suns' for the light golden sheen the entire facade had during the daytime, as well as the golden columns. Their next door neighbors were known actor to the left, senator to the right. He curtly informed Yixing of this as they rode the elevator up. He almost resorted to dragging Ziyu by the hand because Ziyu found that digging his heels into the carpet was apropos to a petulant toddler.
"What kind of meat would you like," Lu Han muttered, punching in the code as he reached for the door.
Yixing shrugged. "Anything's okay. Takeout or you're cooking?"
"Myungsoo's personal chef, the one based in the area, is cooking. He comes by an hour from now."
Ziyu ran upstairs without taking his shoes off as soon as they were in, banging his door closed. He did it so fast that it reminded Lu Han a bit of his younger, sportier self. Before allowing himself to get lost in the thought of Ziyu possibly becoming a soccer star, Lu Han stepped forward to run after him, but Yixing held him back by the shoulder as soon as he sensed Lu Han's intentions.
"Leave him alone for a while." Yixing stopped short of the recessed area with the long table and couch, turning around to look him in the eye. "What happened back there, Lu Han?"
"I should be asking you that," Lu Han said, a little exasperated. "Did you plan this? Me and Ziyu meeting Sehun?"
"No." Yixing said firmly, and Lu Han could tell he was honest, at least. "I honestly didn't know he was there. I got the freaking shock of my short life when I saw him talking to Ziyu. He was the one who took Ziyu to the playpen. Maybe it was pull of the blood or something, but they were kinda drawn to each other, you know what I mean? They were so cute, too. He definitely gets his nose and skin from Sehun."
Lu Han decided to ignore the last few sentences. "And what did he say to you?"
"Me?" Yixing shrugged. "Nothing much. Just hi's and hello's and you have a cute son's. I was surprised he even remembered me, it's been a long time since-"
"You said Ziyu was your son?!"
"So it would be up to you to right that wrong!" Yixing said, much too cheerful for someone whose life was hanging by a thread in Lu Han's hands. "I'm assuming you did, with the way you came down in such a bad mood, not to mention Ziyu..."
"This wouldn't have happened in the first place if one, you didn't forget your wallet; two, you didn't leave Ziyu alone to run around the store and be seen by Sehun; three, if you didn't leave Ziyu alone with Sehun!"
"Anything else?" Yixing said dryly.
"Yes!" he screamed. "I can't believe you would even think that leaving him with Sehun was a good idea! What is wrong with you? Why are we friends? You can't pass for an adult, I'm telling you, you irresponsible little bi-"
"You're done?" Yixing interrupted. "What are you screaming at me for? If this whole thing pisses you off so much, I'm sorry, okay?"
Lu Han glowered. "You're not really sorry."
"You're right, I'm not. And you know why? Because I know you agreed to come here to Seoul wanting to see Sehun again. You're hoping all along to run into him, by serendipity, or some destiny bullshit. Guess what? I made it happen for you, and I didn't even mean for it! The fact that you came down without an assault charge means you-"
"What? That I still love him?" Lu Han laughed, but it sounded bitter even to his own ears.
Yixing's raging eyes grew softer. "In all seriousness. You came down and I saw you... Lu Han, you looked so shaken up. You looked like you were close to crying. And come on, in all the years I've known you, I've only ever seen you cry when you were puking during a hangover or during those first few weeks you were carrying Ziyu. Sehun, he - he still has that kind of effect on you, years after the fact."
"That's not true," Lu Han said, swallowing. "I - I cried when Ziyu was born..."
"I wasn't there for that, but I'm surprised you did, honestly. You're heart of stone, remember?"
"Having a kid really changes things," Lu Han countered. "I didn't come here to see Sehun. I came here to study. I don't know how many times I have to say that to get my point across."
Yixing waved him off, plopping down on the couch. "You can say it a gajilion times and I'll still think you came here for him. I'm not worried. You'll thank me later when you see him again."
Now this ticked Lu Han off. "What makes you think I'd ever want to see his face again? He left me, Yixing. He promised he'd stay with me, but he didn't. I told him to see me at the airport, I told him to-"
"To prostrate himself, groveling on his knees for your forgiveness, when you were the one who fucked up? Even then, all you wanted was for him to do what you wanted. You told him to do this, do that. But what did he want? You can't expect him to come chasing after you when the wounds were still raw at the time. So don't scream at me when you're really mad at yourself for being selfish."
To say that hurt like a motherfucker was a gross underestimation. But in a way, he was thankful for this - when the parts that aren't his best come out, some people will shield their eyes as if he had just forced them to look directly into the sun for hours until their irises; they'll silently make him promise to never show them again.
Be at your best so I can love you. I would love more if you never show me these things.
But Yixing was different, in that he was a friend who knew his faults and told things like it was, and never once budged that Lu Han needed to do something, to realize something.
"Lu Han, to be honest," Yixing started, after he'd sat himself down on the couch, restraining himself from lying face down and forgetting anyone was ever there, "I never knew why... you'd even started a relationship with Sehun in the first place. Don't get me wrong, Sehun is a good-looking guy on his own. But your fiance isn't bad either. You only had to wait a few years if you were frustrated that he wasn't touching you."
"You make it sound like I'm some sex-crazed man-eater," Lu Han snapped, lacking bite from muffling his voice.
"Uh, well..." Yixing cleared his throat. "All I'm saying is that your motivations, apart from sex and frustration, weren't clear to me...? You could have left Sehun after you found out you were pregnant. But you didn't. You chose to tell him, hell, you could have raised Ziyu with him if you wanted to. If Myungsoo didn't find out, you could have broken your arrangement off and stayed with him. Don't-" he paused, raising his finger threateningly when Lu Han opened his mouth, "tell me I'm wrong, because you damn well know I'm right. But why, Lu Han? Why did Sehun happen in the first place?"
Lu Han had to admit - Yixing knew where to hit.
He'd always believed this: the fact that Myungsoo was waiting was a load of sanctimonious bullshit. The only thing Lu Han was "waiting" for, if not for the onset Myungsoo's libido, was another devastatingly handsome college to working age boy that was willing to have him. He spent highschool secretly in awe of those girls and guys that seemed so confident and mysterious - study hall Lolitas that got drunk at school dances and gave handjobs to the boys on the basketball team.
He spent years trying to figure out why Myungsoo didn't want anything from him. And within that particularly self-deprecating, hysterical, and claustrophobic teenage brain space, it began to make sense that he would find a glimmer of hope in someone like Sehun.
Lu Han slowly turned himself over so he was his back was to the couch. He looked up at the high ceiling, feeling like he was sitting in a faux-therapy session. "You're right. I was frustrated with Myungsoo. He was sweet and thoughtful, but he had no time. No presence. Even now he doesn't, not really. And Sehun... he started first as a way to pass the time. I didn't - I never expected to like him more than as someone I occasionally had sex with. But eventually... I found him to be just as sweet, just as thoughtful. And he had the time for me. He was someone real, someone concrete that I could hold and touch however much I wanted."
"Sometimes fucking is just fucking, but even the most detached people are rarely that sociopathic, " Yixing said, after a long minute of silence. "Yeah, people can cheat for no explainable reason. You don't need to have a fucked up childhood or home life, your parents don't have to be separated, you don't have to be traumatized or beaten up by exes, to cheat. You can love the person you're with, and still cheat. Sometimes you cheat because you're bored, or it feels too good to give up. But I think... people cheat and abet cheaters because if anyone took the time to systematically catalog their lives, they would always find something missing. Sometimes it's this huge, gaping something, a loss or a setback. Sometimes it can be nothing at all."
That was a lot to take in, especially for something that made so much fucking sense. Why did Yixing always choose the worst times to spew out words that hit so close to home?
"You're asking me what my big, gaping hole is?" he murmured. "Before Ziyu... there was definitely something missing."
He saw Yixing nod from the corner of his eye. "But after you had Ziyu and left Sehun, everything was okay between you and Myungsoo, right? You even told me through skype the first time you slept together. Like I wanted to know."
They were okay. But okay didn't cut it, most of the time. Was he simply too needy? Was he beginning to be even clingier than his own child? To need someone that wasn't there?
"Yeah..."
"I know that in some way, the grass on Sehun's side was greener. But people are not landscapes and climbing into someone else's bed does not constitute a change of scenery. When you climb out and away, you're still you. You're still Lu Han, that guy with a kid and big gaping hole in his chest. Myungsoo and Ziyu were supposed to fill it. So what's wrong? Why come back now? I know you, Lu Han. You're stubborn, you don't give in so easily. If you didn't want anything to do with this place, you wouldn't have said yes. You wouldn't have brought Ziyu here."
He remembered that time at the airport, seeing Sehun's cap - or what he thought was Sehun's cap - in the crowd. That tiny hope swelling in his chest that Sehun had come to tell him to stay. To tell him that despite all of Lu Han's fuck-ups, he still loved him.
Four years had done much to dull that hope. And yet-
"Maybe I still..." He fell silent.
Yixing flashed him a knowing smile.
They didn't speak of it anymore, not with Myungsoo's personal chef in the vicinity. Yixing seemed satisfied with the point he'd made, anyway. He also looked way too happy watching the latest installment of Hello Baby, some show about rookie idols raising toddlers. Babies raising babies.
"That kid has such an ugly crying face," Yixing commented wryly. "Ziyu's way cuter."
Speaking of Ziyu - "I'm gonna go up to check on him." He stood up from his slumped position on the couch, vaguely registering Yixing's mumbled assent.
"Baby, are you awake? Do you want some snacks? There's some downstairs..." he said, opening the door to Ziyu's room. It was still a little bare except for a small television set (one that Myungsoo promised to replace with a Wii-appropriate version as soon as they were settled in), a small single bed shaped like a race car and a few plush toys scattered around various corners of the room. Mr. Snuggles the plush puppy was the only toy beside Ziyu, and he was currently curled up on its stomach in sleep.
He scooped Ziyu up into his arms, rocking him gently against his chest. He sighed, looking down at his baby's sleeping face. "I'm sorry," he whispered. "You're right, baba was mean and stupid. When you wake up, I'll take you anywhere you want. Give you all the toys you want. Read all the books you want."
It occurred to him how children can only feel what they are feeling in that moment, that they can't see sometimes that there will be another, next feeling. He couldn't bear the thought of Ziyu hating him, even if just for that one moment.
"Just forgive baba. Don't hate baba."
He felt tears well up in his eyes, and a small fist wiping them as they rolled down his cheeks.
"Baba don't cry." Ziyu looked up at him, sniffing. "Ziyu is sorry for yelling, too. I don't hate you, baba. I love you."
"I love you, too." Lu Han said shakily, wiping his tears on his sleeve. The disgusting snot on his sleeve was good for making Ziyu giggle. "Is baba ugly when he cries?"
"A little," Ziyu said. Lu Han laughed and peppered apologetic kisses on Ziyu's cheeks.
"Do you want to go to the toystore tomorrow? We can get the latest edition of that whatever game you want-"
Ziyu shook his head furiously. "No. I want a new book... that really thick one in Sehunnie's store!"
Lu Han was afraid of this, but was also half-expecting it. Once Ziyu had his eye on something, nothing could dissuade him from it. "Baby, are you sure? Don't you think that Sehunnie guy is kinda... scary?"
"No!" Ziyu reacted so violently Lu Han was afraid he'd be smacked in the face. "Sehunnie is really nice! And smart! And handsome!"
"Baby, I think you're talking about me," he said, biting back a smile.
"Baba is nice and handsome and smart, too," Ziyu confirmed. "Like Sehunnie!"
He groaned for show, but inside he couldn't help but swell with a peculiar kind of joy.
Myungsoo went home about two hours after Yixing excused himself to go on some date. Ziyu had loudly proclaimed that Lu Han was taking him to the bookstore again to buy 'a million billion books', miraculously without mentioning 'Sehunnie'. Myungsoo had laughed and told him to buy all the books he wanted. He'd have shelves custom-made for Ziyu, decorated in blue clouds and soccer balls. Ziyu had jumped around screaming
"In fact, I think I'm free tomorrow morning. Do you want me to take him off your hands for a while?" Myungsoo asked him later that night, in bed. His back was previously turned away, but when he heard Myungsoo speaking softly in the dark, he at least had the courtesy to turn around and face him.
"No, it's okay. I'll take him. Besides, you look so tired... you'd rather sleep in, I can tell."
Myungsoo appeared to consider, before nodding slightly. "Alright." He flashed a smile, and even in the dark it was white and perfect. "You can buy him an entire bookstore if you wanted."
"Pass," he said quickly, laughing at the irony. "Goodnight, Myungsoo."
"Are you ready, baby?" Lu Han peeked inside Ziyu's room the following morning, holding back a single proud parent tear when he saw Ziyu fully dressed and ready to go. "But your shoelaces! Let me-"
"Baba, what are you wearing!" Ziyu yelled, pointing at his outfit like it was some kind of freakish yeti costume.
Okay, so it kind of was.
"Oh, this?" He gestured to his black trenchcoat, thick scarf, sunglasses, and beanie. "It's baba's normal everyday wear, baby. Now stay still and let me tie your laces..."
Ziyu looked at him strangely all the way down to car where the chauffeur was waiting, but quickly forgot about Lu Han's outfit the moment they were outside SHO.
"Sehunnie books," Ziyu sang loudly, running inside as quick as his little legs could carry him. Lu Han yet again cursed his son's strong legs, and sprinted after him. Thankfully, he found him still intact with no broken bones, staring up at the high customer service counter and the person behind it. He looked so familiar-
"Kim Jongin?" he said incredulously, tucking his shades into the collar of his shirt. He took a hold of Ziyu's hand to ensure he won't stray, and sure enough Ziyu stood still, seemingly in awe of high the counter was for his small size. "You work here?"
Jongin still looked like his same old, sleepy self, except with more prominent muscles under his dress shirt. He looked more professional now with the crisp shirt and trousers, but he still had that boyish look about him, especially the way his hair was rakishly gelled back. He vaguely remembered having sort of antagonistic feelings towards Jongin when they were in college, because he was one of Sehun's friends and apparently flirted with him when drunk. Jongin was Sehun's Yixing, in that he probably dispensed stupid advice like candy and patted Sehun's ass like a lecherous old perv when he walked past.
He wondered if Jongin told Sehun after he left that hating Lu Han was for the best.
On the breast pocket was a small bronze nameplate that read KIM JONGIN on top, MANAGER on the bottom. Jongin blinked, confused. "Can I help you?"
"You don't recognize me?"
Jongin tilted his head curiously, then his eyes registered recognition. "Lu Han? The Lu Han?" He laughed, coming out his booth to shake Lu Han's hand. "How are you? Wow, I haven't seen you around in ages!"
"I've been great, thank you," Lu Han said politely, smiling. Jongin didn't look like he hated him; that was good. "And you?"
"Oh, you know, just handling orders, shoppers, shipping, the usual things a manager does," he said, grinning. "Jongin gave him a small smile. "Hey, no hard feelings from me, okay? You guys broke up, and that's that. Sehun never told me why. So as far as I'm concerned, you guys coulda broken up because either of you had bad breath, and that's none of my business. And who's this little guy?" He crouched down to eye level. "Your son? He looks just like you. Hi there, I'm Jongin."
"Hi," Ziyu said shyly, hiding behind Lu Han's leg.
"Sorry, he's not usually this shy," Lu Han said, though inwardly he was cackling. His son knew a sleaze when he saw one.
Jongin, to his credit, smiled warmly at Ziyu and brought himself back up. "It's okay, kids who don't know me tend to get shy. So, you here to see the big boss?"
Lu Han's brows furrowed. "Excuse me?"
"The big boss aka Sehun?" Jongin laughed. "Don't you know? He owns this bookstore chain. That's why it's SHO - stands for Sehun Oh." He shook his head, tsk-ing under his breath. "Uncreative name, but you know him. Never had a flair for words."
"Wha-" He found himself lost for words at this new piece of information. "But how..."
Jongin smiled proudly. "He acquired a bit of a fortune after he graduated. His parents had a mining business, right?"
He didn't know about that.
"Yeah, so, business was apparently really great for the past decade or something. Combine that with his share of his grandfather's estate after the old man conked out, and he got himself some good start-up money a few months before graduation. Most kids spend that kind of money on drinking and partying, but Sehun's got a good head on his shoulders - he bought this bookstore before it went completely bankrupt, renamed it, completely redesigned the concept, what books were sold, everything. And here we are today."
"I... didn't know he owned this," Lu Han said lamely.
"This and a few other branches around the country. Next year he's putting up flagship branches in Taiwan and Hongkong, too."
Sehun had always been passionate about books. Hell, their first meeting and the first time they had almost-sex was in the library. But to actually turn it into a business... they were kids then, so he hadn't thought this was actually a possible future for Sehun. He had to admit, he'd underestimated what Sehun was capable of.
He then realized that Ziyu was no longer clinging to his leg. "Oh, god, where did Ziyu go this time - I'm sorry, I have to go look for my son," he said to Jongin.
"No need." Jongin grinned. He pointed to a row of readers' couches not so far off from where they were standing. "He's over there with Sehun."
Jongin must be in on this, he thought to himself, scowling as he stalked off to where they Ziyu was currently sitting on Sehun's lap.
Then he stopped. And stared.
Sehun and Ziyu made the perfect picture of father and son, and Ziyu looked like he was internally combusting with happiness. His cheeks were flushed with joy, talking a mile a minute, Sehun laughing at whatever he was saying.
He almost wanted to cry.
This is what could have been.
"Sehun," he said stiffly in greeting.
"Baba!" Ziyu said, waving at him.
"Hello, Lu Han," Sehun said amiably, smiling up at him. Fuck, why did he have to look so handsome even in with his stupid ungroomed hair and casual polo shirt. "Ziyu here was telling me he wanted those books from the playpen."
"Yes," he said. He resolutely kept his gaze on Ziyu this time. "If it's okay with you, I'd like to buy those books. Whatever the price, name it." So we can scram and leave this place and I'll never have to see you again-
"You don't have to pay for them. They're old books. Some of the spines are already worn," Sehun said.
"Then why don't you get new stock?" Lu Han said, touchily.
Sehun sighed. "I told Ziyu I could give him new books, but he didn't want it. He said he wanted those ones specifically because they already had colorings and drawings... on pages they're not supposed to, I guess." He ruffled Ziyu's hair, and Ziyu giggled happily, snuggling against Sehun's chest. Lu Han didn't know what to feel at the sight - frankly, the fluttering feeling in his chest was not close at all to 'dismayed' or 'disturbed'. "Consider it as my gift to Ziyu."
Lu Han found himself hesitating, but it came out of his mouth, anyway. "Ziyu doesn't need your gifts."
"I want to." Sehun was looking up at him. Lu Han remembered that kind of look - intense, firm, strong. He wouldn't back down. "So let me."
"Yay gifts!" Ziyu clapped his hands. "Can I read my new books now?"
"Sure," Sehun said. "Do you want to go up and read in the playpen? Do you want me to read to you?"
"Yes, but..." Ziyu chewed on his bottom lip in thought. Before Lu Han could tell him that to stop because it was bad for his teeth, Ziyu reached across the gap and took his hand. He placed his hand on top of Sehun's. Both of them were surprised, but neither pulled back. "Baba, you should make friends with Sehunnie first. Don't be mean!"
"But..." Lu Han said weakly, the same time Sehun said, "Ziyu, I don't think-"
"I'm gonna read on my own!"
"Aaaand that's my cue." Jongin came out of nowhere, scooping Ziyu into his arms. Ziyu didn't make a fuss, just wrapped both arms around Jongin's neck despite his earlier reluctance to even look at Jongin. Maybe in some twisted way, Ziyu knew what Lu Han needed to do. "I'm taking this little guy up. Say bye bye?"
"Bye bye!"
He and Sehun watched Jongin and Ziyu walk to the elevator. It was only then that Lu Han noticed that their hands were still touching. He yelped ungracefully, pulling away as if burned.
The flash of hurt in Sehun's eyes didn't go unnoticed. "Lu Han," he started. "We really need to talk. And please, no escaping this time."
He was ready to say no, go up to Ziyu, take the books, and leave the place.
Whatever possessed him to say, "Fine," he'd never know.
The nature of an unhealthy relationship is to make you think you need it. Once upon a time, it might have started out as love. But Lu Han knew he messed up big time, and despite all talk of moving past his mistake he saw it lifted over him and held there longer than necessary, turned over and over again in someone's passive-aggressive hands.
Lu Han learned early on in his and Myungsoo's post-Ziyu relationship that moving in with someone will not fix any existing relationship issues. What it did instead was to make it impossible to get away from them. Cohabitation introduced new sources of stress and conflict in their lives, and the fact that Myungsoo eventually learned to get over his pre-marital sex hangups to fuck on the carpet without worrying when their parents will come knocking wasn't novel enough to keep them from experiencing tense situations for very long.
It wasn't so much the location, but there was something about seeing Myungsoo's possessions mixing with his own, something about Myungsoo living in the same space, that unsettled him. It felt wrong.
He knew exactly why. Myungsoo's things and his things were arranged in ordered chaos in their shared room. Myungsoo's white undershirt (flung over the nearest chair) that he left behid; Myungsoo's copy of 'White Teeth' and an economics journal subscription, two notebooks with Myungsoo's handwriting - one for accounting, the other for note-taking, unpaid bills. Lu Han had all these things but he didn't have Myungsoo, not at all.
Three months after living together, Lu Han wanted to leave.
"I'm taking Ziyu with me," he said. Myungsoo made a choked noise and grasped him by the arm; he snarled, pulling his arm away harshly as he walked to his side of the closet to begin taking out jackets. He'd finished packing Ziyu's clothes an hour ago.
Myungsoo was still the kind of man that thought there were far more important things than staying at home and being with the so-called love of his life. Lu Han didn't blame him, but he grew ever tired of Myungsoo's reluctance to simply stay put. No matter how much he forgave and forgot these little transgressions that weren't, such things were unfortunately implanted on the brain, irascible sunspots that one could struggle mightily against, and fail.
Myungsoo watched him, lips pulling into a tight line. His eyes were still soft, but held a certain edge. "Where will you go?"
"I'm going back to Seoul."
Myungsoo sent a disapproving cluck his way, as though by sheer of disapproval he can coax Lu Han into being the good fiance he always wanted. "You know there's no one waiting for you there. How hard is it for you to accept that, Lu Han? After all this time... he doesn't want you anymore."
Something inside Lu Han snapped. "You're just saying that!"
"I'm never one to deny your wishes and whims," Myungsoo continued, quietly, "But this time, you know it can't happen. It can't happen the way you want it to happen. I'm sorry, not because I can't bring you there, but because I can't hit him in the face because he won't be waiting for you even when you so badly want him to."
"How do you know he won't be there if I asked him to?" Lu Han asks, stubborn. His hands have stopped folding clothes.
"He let you leave without a fight, didn't he?"
"Stop answering questions with another question, damnit!" Lu Han says, for lack of a better argument. He was quickly losing this entire debate, plus his resolve to leave.
Why do you always win, Myungsoo?
"You're hesitating because you know, down inside, the right thing to do." He can hear Myungsoo walking up to him, settling behind with both arms around his waist. His breath was hot down Lu Han's nape. "Leaving would be selfish. Ziyu needs to be in a stable environment. You know staying is the right thing."
He wasn't saying, but Lu Han was hearing: That guy weaved a cage around your heart, and I'm going to break it, chain by bloody chain.
In the present, Lu Han found himself sitting on a comfortable plush chair across Sehun. They were in Sehun's office, the layout of which resembled a mini-library. Oodles and oodles of books and packages containing books behind and beside his desk, along with sheafs of paper under paperweights shaped like dumb caricature animals. The biggest paperweight was a white one of Bambi falling on ice.
Lu Han had to double-take at the last one. Sehun was staring at him with bright, shiny eyes. It made Lu Han just a little uncomfortable to see Sehun so clearly even in this kind of dim setting.
"What are we going to talk about?" Lu Han finally said. He crossed his arms haughtily, and hmped for better effect. "Better make this quick. I have things to do, people to attend to. Ziyu's probably looking for me right about now."
Sehun still looked like an insufferable goof as he waved him off like it was nothing. "He's fine. Jongin's good with kids even though he may not look it."
Lu Han sneered. "And you would know?"
Sehun ignored his blatant display of hostility, and continued to smile. "Of course. We've worked together for a while, and he's my best friend. Always has been. Just like how you've always been... the one I-"
"Stop. Please. Don't embarrass yourself further, for god's sake."
"Why would I be embarrassing myself?" Sehun asked casually, as if Lu Han had just passed him the morning paper.
"You know whatever you say can't end well."
"Look, you're down here with me, you gave me the chance to talk to you. You gave yourself the chance, and you took that chance. Please hear me out. I promise I'm not wasting your time."
Lu Han went silent.
Sehun opened his mouth as if something was about to burst, then suddenly retracted. He cleared his throat, and finally asked, "How have you been, anyway?"
Lu Han's brow raised. "That's it? I come all the way down here expecting some grand dramatic gesture and you ask me how I am?"
Sehun's upper lip quirked up in a tiny smile. "We'll have time for that later. So how are you?'
Lu Han internally debated whether to answer. He gave in a few moments later with a sigh, "I'm fine. I flew back to study at our old university." He held up a hand to halt whatever was coming out of Sehun's mouth. "Before you get any crazy ideas, Myungsoo suggested I go back. And of course I had to bring Ziyu. I'll be here to finish my last two years so it's impractical to keep flying back and forth to Beijing to see him."
Sehun nodded. He didn't look disinterested, nor did he look like he was hanging onto Lu Han's every word. His gaze grew more distant the more Lu Han spoke. "He's grown well. He... runs really fast. And he's very cute. Just like you." And there was that insufferable smile again.
Lu Han, curse his face, couldn't stop the blush that quickly overtook his cheeks. "I-I'm not here to flirt with you, Sehun. You told me you're not going to waste my time. What do you really want from me?"
Sehun shook his head, but that smile was still on his lips. "I'm sorry, Lu Han. That came out wrong, I guess. But - I really am sorry, you know. I've missed you so much. I've missed sweet pea so much. I was wrong to leave when you were right there at my door, telling me not to. In these four years, I've come to regret it more than anything else I've done in my life."
"When one door closes, a window of opportunity opens." Lu Han's opened his arms, gesturing to the span of the entire office. "You lost me, and you get all this. You get Jongin, and international success. You get to live a life with all these books. So why on earth-" He'd clenched his fist before he even realized what he was doing. "- would you still want me after telling me no all those years ago? You remember what you said, right? You said I was as good as someone who'd punched you in the face and kicked your ass to the ground. Worse, even. So what choice do I had? Of course I had to take Ziyu, a child you so easily discarded like he was nothing. And we did it. We managed. We're thriving and happy and we did it all without your help."
"You make it sound like it was so easy for me," Sehun said after a long moment. His gaze was downwards, the smile on his face finally showing cracks. "It was the hardest decision... to let you leave. Especially when we both didn't know what we wanted at the time."
"It was easy for you!" Lu Han said, standing up. "You didn't have to carry a kid to term, you didn't have to choose between anyone, you didn't have to fulfill all these duties and responsibilities to other people. You've had it so easy, Oh Sehun. And you would be presumptuous to think otherwise."
"I'm sorry," Sehun said, closing his eyes as his voice trembled. "I'm sorry. How many times do I have to say it to make you believe it? I know I messed up, I know I shouldn't have left. I didn't understand everything then, I was selfish. But-" He raised his head, looking at him with watery eyes. "Lu Han, you never said you were willing to stay, either. And me, I was a stupid kid who wanted to believe that loving you was all I needed to prove that you should stay with me. Back then, I didn't understand why you left if I loved you so much. But now I know it's because we both weren't ready, we were both so confused..."
He continued, "I'm... I'm glad... that Ziyu was raised right and in a good home, at least. But now I'm capable, as capable as he is. So please, let me-"
"Love, you keep talking about love," Lu Han cut in, swallowing what felt like a rock down his throat. He needed to say this, he needed to keep Sehun away. For the sake of everyone involved. "What we had was a good time. I was lonely and bored without Myungsoo, but now everything's fine with us-"
"Bullshit!" Sehun exclaimed, standing up to full height as well. Lu Han drew back a bit, wincing; Sehun sounded furious and it was so sudden it felt like emotional whiplash. "Now I know you're lying. I saw the way you looked at me all the times we were together. I saw how happy you were - how happy you were with me. You haven't smiled like that since, have you?"
"Where the fuck did you get that idea?"
"Yixing-hyung."
Lu Han rubbed his temples. He'd give Yixing a good talking to later, that bastard knew nothing than to stick his nose into other people's business. "Whatever Yixing's been telling you, it's all-"
"A lie? You're calling your best friend a liar?"
"And I'm calling your best friend a slut. Touche."
Sehun drew closer. "No, not touche. Lu Han, I can make you happy again. The way you used to be happy with me. If only you'd let me in. We weren't perfect, but no relationship is, anyway. The important thing is, I tried. And I know for a fact that I sure as hell can do better than what you've been given so far."
"It was both our faults that we ended," Lu Han said, as a last resort. "Endings can be good and clean and swift, endings don't have to drag on the way this one did. You don't have to drag yourself across the floor begging for me."
"But I do have to," Sehun said, firmly. "And I want to."
A sliver of strange joy took root in Lu Han's heart, from the combined effort of Sehun's words, his gentle voice and the way he ever so slowly approached him like he was a wild animal about to run away at the slightest touch. What was this man doing to him? And more importantly, how could Lu Han let him?
He hadn't spoken a word in the brief gap between standing alone in that particular corner of the office and Sehun standing, all hard chest and quiet determination in front of him. If there were more succint words for "leave me alone oh but please stay but go now please i can't stand here without crying or running away or stripping you of those blue fucking trousers stop looking at me like that like you want to fuck me and cry on me at the same time please i don't know now please i think i love you all over again', he'd say it. But as it were, all he could muster was:
"Sehun..."
And saying his name was like a splitting deep in his lower abdomen, a bittersweet piece of fruit on the tip of his tongue.
To Sehun, the indeterminacy in pauses signaled acceptance.
Sehun cradled Lu Han's face in his hands, angled his face downward, and kissed him.
Lu Han's entire body came alive at the first touch of Sehun's lips to his own. Like being pulled by an imperceptible, otherwordly gravity towards Sehun, slowly, surely unsure. Suddenly it was like that all that nervous energy that had been winding him tight until he felt liable to break. He felt... calm in a way that he had never expected.
There was another surge of tension as Sehun's arm wrapped round his waist. But ultimately, Lu Han, unable to resist, fisted Sehun's shirt and opened his mouth to let Sehun's tongue slip in. Slowly, the tension bled out of Lu Han and he nearly melted into the familiar touch, and he knew Sehun felt the moment he allowed himself to enjoy it, the muscles in his back and shoulders going lax. Sehun lapped at the seam of Lu Han's mouth until Lu Han found himself moaning wantonly as Sehun's tongue curled into his mouth, tracing along his teeth and finally tangling with Lu Han's tongue.
I missed this, he thought around the cloud of lust in his mind, shuddering against Sehun's chest. And you, most of all.
There may be entire years worth of touch that preceded that kiss, but it did nothing to diminish the sensation of the world tilting and stopping. And he felt it, felt Sehun repeat everything he was saying by that simple touch of lips to his.
Lu Han lost himself so quickly in the sensation it's as if there had never been pause to his and Sehun's story, no wasted years. He moaned around the sensation Sehun's kiss as he traced Sehun's jawline with the outside of his hand, slow enough to feel every tickle of feather-light stubble on his face before he pushed his fingertips through Sehun's now-messy dark hair and pulled him closer. Just like starting again where they left off, Lu Han's hands traveled of their volition, rhythmically fisting and then brushing against Sehun's hair.
Sehun broke away after what seemed like an eternity. He touched his forehead to Lu Han's, catching his breath. His eyes were darker than ever, pupils blown wide, a sweaty flush working its way from collarbones to cheeks to the tips of his ears.
"Lu Han, I love you. There's not a day that I don't think about you and Ziyu," came the soft, almost imperceptible whisper. Then he surged forward once again, wrapping his arms around Lu Han's waist and giving him a bone-crushing hug. "Give me a chance to make it up. Give yourself the chance to be happy again."
One course of action he expected to take was to shove Sehun across the room, or tossing him out the window. Anything not remotely resembling tentatively looping his arms over Sehun's hips and hugging him back.
"There are so many reasons this won't work," Lu Han said, reasoning for one last time. He said them all: Ziyu not knowing he was his other dad, Ziyu getting confused because of the apparent existence of another father, Myungsoo, his duty to his family, blood-oaths, the distance from his hometown to Sehun's, his studies, Sehun's need to expand his business. He even threw in the issue of a language barrier ("You still don't know how to say anything properly in Mandarin.") and even Jongin for good measure ("Your best friend hates me deep down, I just know it.").
"You know, hearing you say all that is kind of a relief."
"Are you out of your mind."
"No," Sehun said. "Because throughout that little speech, I didn't hear one 'no',"
"I... " Lu Han fought to keep his voice steady. "What makes you think everything will go right this time," he said, burrowing his head against Sehun's shoulder.
"I don't know," Sehun answered truthfully. "But I'll die trying to make it right, for you and Ziyu."
Lu Han found himself laughing softly. "You can't even say his name properly." Sehun said it the way Koreans would - 'Jiyu'.
Sehun laughed as well. "I'll work on it."
He and Sehun had picked Ziyu up at the playpen. Jongin had ignored his managerial duties in favor of playing with Ziyu, and was playfully arguing when the two of them approached.
"My starter pokemon's always water," Jongin was saying, poking at Ziyu's cheek. "Snivy doesn't hold up in the first few gyms. Tepig's okay but he'll be weaker against the other gym leaders later on."
"No, Jonginnie-gege!" Ziyu exclaimed, mixing his languages with gusto and puffing his cheeks. "Tepig's cool!"
Jongin chuckled, tickling Ziyu's armpits. "But he's a pig!"
"Pigs are cool!" Ziyu insisted between helpless giggles, attaching on to Jongin's arm and trying to reach his armpits as well.
"Okay, baby, time to leave," Lu Han called. He picked Ziyu up and made a cursory inspection for any scratches or cuts like he always did, and was relieved to find that aside from dirt on his shirt, nothing was awry. It also sort of helped that Sehun helped him, looking over Ziyu's back.
"Babaaa," Ziyu whined, "I wanna stay." It was punctuated with a huge yawn, little arms wrapping loosely around Lu Han's neck.
"Well, that was quick," Sehun remarked beside him, patting Ziyu's hair gently. Lu Han felt a sudden surge of affection, then determinedly squashed it as soon as it appeared.
"Say goodbye to Sehun and Jongin."
"Bye bye, Sehunnie and Jonginnie..."
"Bye, kiddo!" said Jongin. He tapped Sehun on the shoulder. "I'll see you at the desk."
"I'll be right down." Sehun nodded. He watched Jongin go, then turned to Lu Han and Ziyu with a soft smile. "I'll see you both soon."
"Later than sooner, I hope."
As if Sehun could read right him, his smile only grew wider. "I have a feeling it'll be the reverse."
In the car, with Ziyu asleep on his lap, Lu Han found himself looking out window at the streets, the landscape of Seoul. And in every bench there was, without fail, a person reading a book. Sehun. Dog-eared, newly printed, wrapped in plastic, vintage. Sehun. With a cup of coffee in one hand, a worn bookmark in the other. Sehun.
It always went back to Sehun.
Why did happiness only make itself evident when he was already so far from it, ankle-deep in a future that was unclear and rising fast?
"Baba, you weren't mean to Sehunnie, were you?" Ziyu had murmured, once they were inside the car and far, far away.
"I - of course not, baby," he'd said, cradling Ziyu's head in his hands. "Baba's not mean."
"Baba is good to me, Baba's good to everyone." Ziyu nuzzled into his chest. "But you were mean the other time, Baba. Sehunnie could have cried. Did you say sorry?"
"I-"
No, not yet.
"Baby, are you hungry?" he'd said in reply, hoping to distract Ziyu. And it worked. Ziyu looked like he'd just swallowed an energy pill, earlier sleepy mood almost totally disappearing with a loud declaration that he wanted dumplings and chicken nuggets.
They stopped the car at a local restaurant. Ziyu squealed at the paper bag and dove right now, but not without kissing him on the cheek first. The bookstore was all but forgotten, at least for this moment.
He watched Ziyu eat, and he turned every little thing he did or made over in mind and he found it all lacking and leaking. He worried about how worried he was all the time. He watched Ziyu happily shove bits of ground nuggets into his mouth with his hands (which he'd meticulously cleaned with disinfectant), and wondered what he was going to tell Myungsoo when he asked how he was at the end of the day. What would Myungsoo say if he said oh we was teary-eyed, drooling, half-naked, absently wandering the streets during the day?
But he was alright, maybe more than alright. All because of Sehun.
Lu Han sighed, slumping into the car seat. Maybe the bad answer was the better one, after all.
Lu Han couldn't believe it. His first day back in university, and he already felt disoriented. He was taken aback by the amount of work needed, in part because was still adjusting, and in part because he didn't remember his own school years needing this much reading. To rub salt in his wound, there were no books left to borrow. It was supposed to be a straight-up borrow and bolt, an x, y and z process. Instead he was given f, u, c, and k.
"I'm sorry, all copies of these three books were taken out a week ago," the librarian, an old lady with a hook nose and a deep wrinkles, told him.
"Please, Ma'am. I enrolled late so I didn't know we needed all three by next week." Lu Han did his best pleading face, which would probably work on drunk strangers in bars, but not on stern old ladies.
She clicked her tongue. "I'm sorry, young man. You can try again tomorrow, but I highly doubt anyone's finished reading their copies. You can go over the class list and personally talk to one of your classmates to photocopy."
Lu Han sighed, shaking his head. "I know it's a shot in the dark, but can I just leave my name and contact details? Maybe one of the library assistants can get back to me if someone returns their copy early?"
The librarian nodded. Her eyes brightened in recognition when Lu Han handed his name and number over.
"Is there something wrong?"
She bent down, reaching for something under her desk. She emerged holding an unmarked package carefully wrapped in brown paper and thick string. She had the propriety to look somewhat sheepish as she handed it over to Lu Han. "I believe this is for you."
Lu Han was confused, but made quick work of unwrapping. His eyes almost boggled out of their sockets at the sight of all three books he needed, spines unworn and covered in shiny plastic. He jerked his head upwards. "Who are these from? Are you sure they're for me?"
"I'm quite sure, unless I was imagining the young man who dropped by last week with specific instructions to give them to you. I would trust his word, since he was one of my former assistants. You must know him. Oh Sehun?"
Oh fucking Sehun. Of course. Sehun was his tenacious, foolhardy, irrepresible [citation pending] ex-lover. Possible ex-ex lover. Maybe soon to be boyfriend. His fucking babydaddy. Jesus. Lu Han wished he was a mere footnote in his dating life, but Sehun had decided to make himself the goddamned headline.
"Yes, I know him."
And because Sehun was a reliable bastard who just had to show up at Lu Han's first day back university, he literally hid himself behind a pole like a scared 13-year-old hiding from a crush. What was he going to do? What he was going to say? Can you get the hell out of here, I'm not ready to see you, but hey! Thanks for the books!
He took a deep, deep breath and finally emerged from the pole, walking with his head held high towards Sehun.
Sehun was wearing ripped jeans – unbelievably tight black slacks and a navy blue button-down shirt exposing a startling amount of neck and collarbone, of skin that looked even rosier under the sun than in the privacy of any room they shared years ago. And yet it was his expression that Lu Han detested the most: the shit-eating grin and the irritating spark in his eyes that never went away.
"I can see you from a mile away, you know. That pole can't hide a person half your size."
Lu Han glared at him, ignoring the odd twisting sensation in his stomach. "You're saying I'm fat. Well. You're annoying and I hate you. Go away." He started walking in the opposite direction, but wasn't surprised to find Sehun trailing behind.
"That wasn't as smart as you'd like to think."
Lu Han stopped in his tracks, whirling around. "Aren't you worried that Myungsoo will see you and you'll get beaten up again?"
Sehun shrugged carelessly. "I'm not worried. I can fight."
But you didn't last time. "Are you crazy?"
Sehun smiled his most disarming smile. "Only for you." Before Lu Han could feel properly indignant to that particularly ditty, Sehun took his hand and promptly blew away all thoughts of a comeback. "Have lunch with me."
"I prefer cafeteria food. And eating alone."
"You prefer gross cheese fries over quality deokbokki, odeng and boong uh bbang from Mrs. Choi?"
"... She's still alive?"
Sehun burst out laughing. "Yeah. That woman can live through World War three. So, do you still wanna eat at the cafeteria?"
Sehu had that annoying habit of plowing through his resolve like a hyperactive kid tearing through cereal boxes to find the much-coveted prize. Or maybe Lu Han was just weak. "Fine. Just this once! And only because I haven't had boong uh bbang in a while."
He turned to walk in the other direction, Sehun falling in step beside him. Sehun's hand brushed against Lu Han's. "It'll be just like the first few dates. Remember the first time you ate her deokbokki? You made me run to the nearest GS25 to get milk."
How nice of Sehun to remind him. He grimaced, clutching his leather bookbag tighter. "I wasn't accustomed to the spices here then."
"I know. You ended up loving it so much, though. Do they have those in Beijing?" He did. Sehun brought cartons upon cartons of extremely spicy ddeokboki to his and Yixing's room so much that even those from other rooms sometimes complained of the aroma. Many tidbits of their respective lives were shared over ddeokboki. For one, it was over ddeokboki where he found that a talent agent had scouted Sehun at - where else - a ddeokboki stand. It was over ddeokboki where Sehun found exactly how Lu Han acquired his lip scar.
"No. If there was, I don't remember it being as good as the one I had here."
"I thought so. Hey, do you miss any other sort of food? We could go tomorrow-"
"Hey yourself. I said this was a one-time thing."
"Of course."
Mrs. Choi's small restaurant was nearly empty save for a few patrons, a neatly-kept establishment that was bright and cheerful with its yellow wallpaper and purple flowers on the table. Sehun opened the door and he and Lu Han walked inside.
"The usual?" Sehun called out as Lu Han sat down on one of the tables nearest to the ceiling fan.
"Yeah. Extra sauce, too."
Sehun smiled like he knew that was exactly what Lu Han wanted, and went to the counter. The old woman recognized him immediately, much to Lu Han's surprise.
"It's you! You haven't been here in so long I was starting to believe you'd died in a freak accident!" Mrs. Choi sure had a morbid sense of humor. She used to joke about them dying if they didn't consume her food at least once a week. Lu Han attributed it to the possible onset of dementia, or she was just one of those crazy cat ladies. "Oh! And there's your pretty honeybaby!"
Lu Han's eye twitched. And that was another thing he didn't like about her - she called him the most unmanly names, like he was some vapid girl who tagged along with Sehun.
Lu Han heard Sehun chuckle softly. "He's not my honey anymore, Mrs. Choi. We're just here as friends."
She made a disapproving noise. "That's too bad, dear. You made a lovely couple. What happened?"
Seriously. Shouldn't she be taking his order instead of exercising her motormouth?
Sehun shrugged. "Things just didn't work out the first time around."
"Oh!" Her wrinkled hand flew up to her mouth. Her smile became sly around the edges. "That means, my dear, that you plan on having a second time? Go for it! I can't think of anyone else better for such a handsome young man like you. If only I were a few years younger, it could have been me, but you were born when I was already pregnant with my second child!"
"It really could have been you, then," Sehun said, smiling. "For the record, you don't look a day over fifty."
She giggled like blushing schoolgirl. She pointed at Lu Han, stage-whispering, "Oh you. Don't let him hear if you still want that second time."
Lu Han was about five meters away, of course he can hear. He rolled his eyes. Blasted old coot. If only she didn't cook such good food.
"Don't roll your eyes like that. That's my habit, last time I checked."
Lu Han gave Sehun a withering look. "Done making out with your charming, young lady friend?"
Sehun blinked, then started laughing. And laughing. "You're jealous." He was still at it after a few agonizing seconds. "I wanna say it doesn't suit you like all those guys in the movies tell their girlfriends, but it actually does look cute on you. What do you know, I just might have a fighting chance at that second time, after all."
"J-just shut up."
"Aaw, that blush is even cuter - ow!"
In the course of their meal, Lu Han slipped up more of than he should because he couldn't keep himself from reacting exactly the way Sehun wanted him. He laughed at his lame jokes, he hit him on the arm when Sehun teased him, he allowed Sehun to feed him the biggest rice cake left in the pile (granted he really wanted it and it was really, mouth-wateringly good, but still). It was a steep learning-curve, discovering how to control himself and establishing boundaries for their new 'mutual understanding'. He thought he was doing relatively okay except for some moments when he definitely shouldn't have stuttered or become flustered or thought of kissing Sehun because he looked too fucking cute or whatever.
Then, the conversation drifted to Sehun's recent diving trip to Jeju, prompted by, of all things, watching meat float in a pool of hot broth.
"You should try it with Ziyu sometime. Bring your university friends, if you want," Sehun said casually as he was taking the meat between chopsticks. "I'm sure Ziyu would love to see the fish and the corals-"
He touched his neck, self-consciously. "I don't know how to swim. Ziyu doesn't either."
Sehun looked thoughtful. "Really? That's... news to me. The part about you not knowing how to swim, I mean. Ziyu could have learned when he was younger, but it is isn't too late for lessons."
Lu Han frowned a little. "You're suggesting...?"
"I could teach him. Who better qualified than his own dad, right?"
"... No way."
Sehun pouted, clasping his hands together. A flash of teenage Sehun flitted through Lu Han's mind for a brief second. "Come on, Lu Han. I'm a licensed diver! I can teach you, too. I promise, no funny business."
"You've been making way too many promises," Lu Han muttered.
"Hey, I've made good on all of them. So what do you say?"
"Where are you going to teach him?"
"You mentioned your building having a pool. Why not there?"
Lu Han threw him a dark warning look. "You know why."
Sehun blinked, then his eyes lit up in understanding. He nodded, saying, "I get it. Ah, how about my building, then? The pool isn't as big but you can make reservations. We can have it all to ourselves."
Well, Ziyu did need to learn how to swim... and Sehun was as good as any swimming instructor out there. And he taught for free.
"Okay." Excitement began bubbling in his veins in a way that had been absent for a long time. "When and what time?"
He went home feeling full.
"Baba's home!" A bundle of pajamas and thick rainbow-colored blankets bounced up to him as soon as he was in. He knelt down, grabbing Ziyu for a kiss on the cheek, tickling his armpits along the way. Ziyu squealed with laughter, squirming and shoving at him weakly.
"Yo," said Yixing, arriving to greet him. There was a small boy hiding behind his leg, peeking at him every so often as though Lu Han might bite.
"And who's this little one? Do you have something you want to tell me, Xing?"
"That's my nephew, Haowen. He finishes kindergarten pretty early in the afternoon so his mom drops him off with me sometimes. He's normally a handful to deal with, but he was surprisingly not that bratty today. He and Ziyu got along really well." Yixing gently nudged Haowen forward. "Say hi to Uncle Lu Han."
"My baba!" Ziyu declared proudly. "Say hello, ge!"
Haowen looked more unsure now that he was without Yixing's leg to shield himself. He stole a few glances at Ziyu, as if seeking approval.
Lu Han smiled and waved.
Haowen flushed. It looked endearing on his sleepy, surly features. "H-hi, Ziyu's baba. You're really pretty, too."
Lu Han raised a brow. "Too?"
Haowen shuffled his foot around the carpet. "Ziyu's pretty."
"Gege's pretty!" Ziyu chirped. Haowen smiled then, and it was as if Lu Han was looking at an entirely different child. Definitely growing up to be a looker.
"How come no one's saying I'm pretty? Now I feel like the thorn in this garden of roses."
"No need to be so dramatic," Lu Han said, letting Ziyu run along with Haowen to the living room. "Have you guys eaten? Oh, do you wanna see the new Lee Byunghun movie out? We should totally go out, because, you know, I haven't seen any movie in theaters at all since getting here. And after that we can-"
"Woah, okay. Stop right there, too fast." Yixing went in front of him, narrowing his eyes. "You look happy. Had a run-in with Sehun?"
"..."
"Knew it." Yixing smirked. "You haven't been this lively in a while. I saw it the moment you walked through that door. When you're happy the entire room lights up."
"Careful. You sound like you're the one in love with me."
"In another universe, I could have been. Who knows, maybe we were pop idols in another realm and we'd have fallen in love by now by virtue of close proximity. Do you know those poor boy idols aren't allowed to date until after their second year in showbiz?"
"... I didn't expect you to take it that far, but okay."
Yixing made himself comfortable on one end of the couch. "You still want Sehun to be in love with you in that other universe-"
Lu Han chucked a throw pillow at his face.
It took a rare degree of mastery to untie knots with the same grace and speed at which one secured them. This was because the knot was usually what a person desired, far more than its dissolution: in shoelaces, ties, most boating situations. It's a skill, something to learn as a child and practice frequently. Knotted, things stay together, and they do not part lest a person wanted them to.
And Sehun - Sehun was that one annoying, persistent knot who refused to slip off Lu Han's grasp. He wanted to, oh he wanted to untie. He tried his best, but he ended up becoming just tangled as before.
Sehun was abnormally perky and just really fucking awake in the morning. Bouncing out of the bed and into action without the aid of things normal people needed like alarm clocks and brewed espresso, he was the reason why Lu Han was subjected to horrendous beams of morning light on his closed eyelids, forcing him awake. He sat up, rubbing his eyes as Sehun slid in behind him.
"Wake up, Lu Han..." Sehun's breath warmed Lu Han's neck, and Lu Han struggled to get his thought process in order. "Time to shower. Or we'll be late for Ziyu's first day at kindergarten."
"It's 7am, Sehun," he murmured as Sehun shifted, wrapping his arms around Lu Han's waist. "Can't this wait thirty more minutes, at least?"
"Nope. We haven't got much time for fun, you know. Ziyu's waking up soon."
"That boy gets his morning person genes from you. It's not my fault if we don't get to do whatever morning activities you're planning."
Sehun didn't answer. He licked a stripe down Lu Han's nape to his bare shoulder; Lu Han shivered from the combination of morning air and Sehun's touch.
"L-let's get this over with-"
Mere minutes later, Lu Han couldn't bring himself to care about anything else. There were other far more delicious distractions, like the hot water and the press of Sehun's wet skin against his, Sehun's mouth leaving red marks all over his collarbones.
The most prominent distraction was Sehun's warm hand stroking his cock firmly, upwards, his grip slick with soap. Lu Han was helpless, so helpless, one arm pinned against the tile. He made a soft, hitching sound in the back of his throat, arching his hips as he slowly fucked Sehun's fist. He dragged Sehun close, gripping the back of his shoulder as though he'll never let go.
"Let me suck you off," Sehun said into the shell of his ear just then. He caught Lu Han's lips again in a kiss that was a sweet mixture of longing and tenderness. He began to kneel down, pressing soft kisses along every inch of skin, his mouth following the droplets of water falling down Lu Han's chest, stomach and thighs.
"Let me love you now. Let me love you forever," Sehun murmured, kissing and suckling, pressing his face into the curve of Lu Han's inner thigh. "Please believe me when I say I love you. Please."
Lu Han tangled his fingers in Sehun's damp hair, his hands moving on their own accord to push Sehun down even further on his knees. He almost couldn't believe how good it felt to finally have Sehun's mouth on him, and he swore in a mix of Mandarin and Korean and gibberish understood only by desperate lovers. "Fuck yes, yes, I believe you, I -"
"Lu Han? Lu Han?"
Myungsoo's voice jerked him out of slumber, and a groan escaped him when he realized it was indeed morning and there was indeed someone waking him up. Only it wasn't the person he thought.
Shit, it was only a dream.
"Are you alright? You were moaning in your sleep."
Myungsoo was already dressed in slacks and a crisp button-down, his hair neatly pressed and gelled. He looked genuinely concerned as he smoothed the hair on Lu Han's forehead. It would be nice to pull the rug under Myungsoo and tell him no, he wasn't okay, he had a goddamned tent in his silk pajamas and he'd sooner maul a wild animal than get out of bed with a hard-on.
"I'm okay. Just had a bad dream."
"Alright, if you say so," Myungsoo said, when it became apparent that Lu Han wasn't going to say anything else. He was aware that he looked terrible, all flushed and sweaty, but Myungsoo was tactful as ever. "I have to go soon. I'll see you later?"
"Yeah."
He dived down the covers before Myungsoo can give him a goodbye kiss.
Sehun was late.
Ziyu didn't seem to mind, though. He was sitting on the edge of the kiddie pool, bright yellow floaters on his arms and Kero Keropi printed life buoy around his waist. He was singing the Spongebob themesong while splashing his feet around, and his bangs were already wet. Lu Han had put three layers of SPF100 on him even though they were indoors, and he insisted that Ziyu wear a thin shirt to keep him from getting burned just in case any sun decided to creep in through the glass windows.
He sighed, walking over to his son. Good thing there was no one else besides them in the private pool, or he would have gotten a bit self-conscious walking around in only his plain swim trunks. "Baby, don't splash around too much or you'll slip and fall when you stand up."
"But it's fun," Ziyu sang, reaching his arms out to Lu Han. "Let's go in the water now!"
"Sehun's not here yet, baby."
"Sehunnie be mad if we get in first?" Ziyu pouted, wide eyes going watery.
"No, no," Lu Han backpedaled hastily. "Okay, we can go in. But only for a while and I'm going to hold you every step of the way!"
In an instant, Ziyu's pout transformed into a happy smile. "Yay! Just keep swimming, just keep swimming~ I'm a tadpole!"
"You don't wanna be a boy anymore? Not even brave knight sweet pea?" Lu Han lifted Ziyu up and they both sankm down to the ledge of the kiddie pool. The water goes to about his waist and is kind of lukewarm. He didn't know why he was expecting it to be cold and scary - it was a kiddie pool, for fuck's sake.
"Today I'm a fishie!" Ziyu's already kicking his little legs beneath the water. He squirmed out of Lu Han's hold before Lu Han could grab onto the edge of his buoy, and began using his arms to do a crude, baby version of dog paddling.
"You said Ziyu didn't know how to swim," a voice said behind them. "But he already has good form! He must be a natural."
"Sehunnie!" Ziyu squealed, reaching out both arms as Sehun came in front in-
"Oh my god, put on some trunks!" Lu Han screamed, feeling mortified (and definitely not turned on, hell no) that Sehun would wear speedos to see him and Ziyu. Honestly, the speedos looked like it was either two sizes too small and cutting off the blood flow to Sehun's favorite body part, or Sehun's package was just that huge-
What the fuck am I thinking?! Well. He's gorgeous in that thing - No. Lu Han, no. Just No.
But fuck if that bulge wasn't so pronounced, the fabric barely above the trail of Sehun's pubic hair. His bare chest was broader than Lu Han remembered. His thighs were toned but not overly so. His hair was slightly messy, like he ran his fingers through them.
Lu Han swallowed loudly, hoping that Ziyu wouldn't see him get so nervous so suddenly.
Sehun blinked, obviously playing innocent. "What's wrong, Lu Han?"
The bastard planned this.
"At least have the decency to wear shorts!" he forced out, ignoring the coiling heat in his gut. "We have a child here!"
Sehun shrugged, getting in the kiddie pool and eagerly welcoming a slowly paddling Ziyu into the circle of his arms. "We're all guys here, anyway. And the pool's reserved for the afternoon, so we no one else is gonna see us."
Ziyu splashed a bit of water over so it hit Lu Han's face. "We're big boys, baba!"
Sehun looks at Ziyu with what's unmistakeably paternal pride. "That's right. So Lu Han, mind joining us over at the grown-up pool in a while?"
"Sehunnie-gege, can I really go in the big grown-up pool?"
"Sure! You have your floaters and you have me!"
"Sehun!" Lu Han snapped, "Ziyu can't go in the adult pool, what if the floaters pop-"
Sehun held up a hand as he and Ziyu waded closer. Lu Han stepped back, but given the water resistance, wasn't a considerable distance "Lu Han, I'm going to ask you to stop talking and just trust the water."
"Trust the water," Lu Han repeated, sounding like Sehun had gone crazy.
"I can't teach you how to move in water if you're terrified of it," Sehun pointed out.
"I'm not scared," Lu Han said quickly, just as Ziyu gasped, "Baba, be brave!"
Sehun was coming closer. Lu Han felt trapped as his naked waist hit tile. "And most important of all, trust me. Just like how Ziyu here trusts me. Okay?"
He reluctantly transferred to the adult pool. He tried not to stare too much at Sehun's tight ass encased in those damn speedos. Sehun held Ziyu in his arms as they sank to the shallow end of the pool.
"Come on in, the water's great," Sehun called.
He failed to respond on time because he was looking at the light playing on the water, not because he was staring at the expanse of Sehun's back.
Later, Sehun successfully taught him how to float by gently coaxing him to relax, not to freak out and not think about sinking into a bottomless abyss and drowning. Sehun's hands were under his shoulder blades, and he didn't think of how harm Sehun's fingertips felt on his skin, and how he could picture his eyelashes stuck together with water, and how water droplets travelled down his chest like soft fingers, light kisses...
"Baba wants to pee!" Ziyu squealed as he floated by.
He opened his eyes, staring into Sehun's amused visage, and proceeded to feel horrified.
He had. A hard-on. While floating.
He floundered, arms pinwheeling and legs kicking out, and he went under.
Just when he felt like he was going to die a slow watery death after three seconds underwater, Sehun's arms were around him, bringing him up to the surface. He was breathing heavily, hair sticking up like baby bird, and Sehun laughed.
"Don't get too excited, the lesson's not over just yet," Sehun said cheekily.
Lu Han mouthed a silent fuck you to Sehun, and to the universe in general.
It was so easy to fall for Sehun again. Thing is, hell would freeze over before Lu Han let himself admit any such thing. Despite the roadblock, his optimism rose with every sunrise that passed where he'd meet Sehun. He was usually in a more cheerful frame of mind the next few 'swim sessions'.
On one such session:
Sehun would stand up out of the water, Lu Han puts it all together as if seeing Sehun in a new but familiar light. Sehun had a swimmer's build, solid and lean and strong. Where was the layer of fat needed to keep him buoyant, Lu Han had no idea. He wasn't Olympic-level obviously, but it was clear Sehun swims, and swims a lot. He was beautiful to look at in motion because he tried to be attuned to the water, the same way he tried to be attuned to, well, Lu Han.
Another such session:
"You're seriously exhausted? We haven't been in the water ten minutes."
"I am exhausted and we're hovering in water that is eight feet deep." Really, it's only his masculine pride keeping Lu Han from hauling himself out of the water and shrieking like a thoroughly scandalized virgin.
"I've got you now. Don't be scared, or you'll never get anywhere." Sehun's free arm came around Lu Han's waist as he pushed his very firm thigh, intentionally or not, up against Lu Han's ass. He was basically holding Lu Han up, and if Lu Han wasn't scared shitless he would scream and curse. But Sehun's skin was slick and warm, his hands broad and sure over Lu Han's stomach, biceps twitching from the effort of keeping them in place.
And yes, he wanted to lick that muscle. So, so bad.
Another nameless session:
"Good morning," Sehun greeted. He'd crouch and pick up Ziyu, settling his forearm underneath Ziyu's cartoon trunks. "And how are you, baby boy? Ready to save some seamonkey princesses?"
"Yep!" Ziyu would chirp, pumping his chubby fist up in the air. Sehun followed suit, always a little later than Ziyu - he could never time his fist pumps precisely since he was always too busy looking at Ziyu's face. Lu Han had to laugh at how adorable a picture they made. "Let's go, Sehunnie-gege!"
"Ziyu, no mixing of languages," Lu Han said, making a mock-stern face. "What did baba tell you about that?"
"That I be con... confizzed if I do it," Ziyu said, lower lip jutting out.
"I think it's cute." Sehun used his free hand to ruffle Ziyu's hair. He shot Lu Han a knowing look. "Not a bastardization of language or whatever you literature majors usually think."
"What's a batterdation?"
"It's a word only grown-ups use, baby," Lu Han said, fixing Ziyu's trunks as he glared at Sehun, who laughed. "Bad grown-ups. And you're not a grown-up. You're a knight."
"I'm a knight!" Then Ziyu looked thoughtful. "Baba, if grown-ups are bad, do they get punched in the butt?"
"Punched... in the butt?" Lu Han tried to contain his horror, to no avail.
Sehun, to Lu Han's alarm, only laughed harder. So hard that devastating laugh lines sprang into full bloom, the kind that Sehun used to tease him for when he smiled too wide or laughed to loud at his lame jokes. "He probably means a spanking."
Ziyu nodded vigorously despite having no clue what Sehun just said. "Does Sehunnie-gege get spanking from baba if he's bad?"
If Sehun didn't have Ziyu in his arms, Lu Han was sure Sehun would be rolling around the floor right about now.
"He'd get spanked if he was very bad," Lu Han said, trying to salvage some of his child's innocence.
"Very, very bad," Sehun added, unhelpfully. "Oops. Let's get in before your baba shoves his fist down my throat."
... Fucking double entendres.
Much as Lu Han wished the pattern of the previous days to repeat itself, what started out so promisingly ended on a definite down note.
He and Ziyu went for a few more consecutive swimming sessions with Sehun. He'd already lost track how many they'd had by this point. By the end of it, Ziyu was already better-versed at butterfly and breast stroke more than he could ever be, not to mention the better floater. It was kind of embarrassing watching Ziyu float by, giggling as he struggled to do a basic dog paddle.
Sehun smiled soothingly when he complained about feeling inept next to his toddler son. "There are just some things Ziyu will be better at than you. Or me."
Lu Han groaned, hand covering his eyes. "I just wish he'd be better at it a little later." He had to admit, he didn't expect Ziyu to take to the water so quickly, given that he'd spent his formative years stuck indoors.
"Who knows, maybe he takes after his old man." Sehun wiggled his eyebrows suggestively.
Lu Han slapped Sehun's chest, like a reflex. "Not so loud!"
Sehun grinned, and didn't seem bothered by Lu Han's minor panic. His his gaze flew to Ziyu splashing a few feet away from where they he and Lu Han were seated side by side the ledge. "Why not, though? Don't you think he should know who I really am?"
Lu Han was slightly taken aback. The subject of Sehun's true identity vis-a-vis Ziyu was not a subject they'd extensively discussed. Lu Han didn't plan to discuss it at all, at least not now while Ziyu was in the vicinity. But this was inevitable, he supposed, a natural byproduct of Ziyu and Sehun's ever-increasing meetings.
He flushed, clearing his throat. "He'll know... when it's the right time."
Sehun raised a brow. "And when exactly is the right time?"
Lu Han looked down at his lap. "Just... not now."
Sehun was silent for a moment, his gaze going back to Ziyu. "You're holding back on something our son should know because you're not ready."
Lu Han immediately went on the defensive. "Are you calling me selfish?"
"You have this habit of putting words in my mouth, you know." Sehun shook his head, chuckling softly, tiredly. "No. I'm just telling it like it is. But I have faith in you, Lu Han. You've raised him and you've been with him everyday - you know what's best for our son. I'm not questioning your judgment. Whether you believe in telling him now or ten, twenty years later, I trust you to make the best decision." Sehun stood up, and Lu Han found that he couldn't look up to meet Sehun's eyes.
Sometimes, Lu Han thought, you could be having a conversation with someone, and in reality it was two conversations, for the words being spoken had two levels of meaning. The only problem was, he couldn’t be sure this really was one of those times.
"Look, when the time is right, he will know."
"Okay," Sehun said in a tone that held undercurrents of the exact opposite of what he just said. "Let's get Ziyu out and get some lunch, yeah?"
The tight line of Lu Han's shoulders and arms and crossed legs relaxed as he watched Sehun pick up a still air-kicking Ziyu, the strange tension dissipating into the afternoon air. He remembered what Yixing had said - you came back for him, for Ziyu to know him - and he thought of denial as a soft, safe blanket, shielding him from the things he may not be ready to handle.
Two weeks passed. He and Sehun haven't talked or met up. Ziyu was starting to loudly proclaim that he missed his Sehunnie-gege, even going so far as to concoct an ongoing story of a seamonkey kingdom he needed to save with Sehun.
"And that's why I need to swim with Sehunnie!" Ziyu always concluded.
Lu Han was this close to buying Ziyu a packet of brine shrimps and a fishbowl when Yixing called and told him he won a family trip for four to Jeju Island. He wanted to take Lu Han, Ziyu and his nephew Haowen along with him to one upscale resort. Said resort apparently had all the latest amenities and a nude beach which Lu Han most definitely did not plan on stepping into, thanks very much.
"They also have a normal beach with normal people, okay. Jeez, no need to get all screechy and panicky on me just because you have a kid now," Yixing grumbled over the phone. "You're a real wet blanket. Why am I inviting you again? I suddenly forgot. Can I just take Ziyu with me and leave you crying in your apartment?"
Lu Han rolled his eyes. "How did you even win this thing?"
Besides, it coincided way too closely with his university break, so he was understandably skeptical.
"You think about the unnecessaries too much," Yixing teased. "Nothing is coincidence, my friend. It's always about fate and destiny and all that new-age shit. And how I won - I entered a contest. Duh. It was one of those 'get the chance to enter upon purchasing so-and-so amount' at the convenience store. I apparently won, like, a week ago. I just forgot to pick it up."
"Yixing, you tell me things like what you ate for breakfast and how cute the new guy at the dance studio is. How'd you forget this?"
"... The heart is a mystery the mind cannot fathom."
"That doesn't even make sense."
"It does and it applies but only in the reverse! And we're leaving tomorrow so pack your bags and bring lots of cute swim trunks for Ziyu!" Yixing said all this so quickly that Lu Han didn't quite catch half of it. "You won't be needing trunks at the nude beach, by the way. In case you didn't know."
"I'm not going in there," Lu Han said flatly.
"Oh, you will, after you see the hotties with swimmers' bodies," Yixing sang.
"Will they all happen to congregate on the exact day and time we get there?"
"Maybe!" Yixing replied cheerily. "Only one way to find out. What do you say?"
Going to the beach would be nice, if only for the fresh air and the laidback atmosphere. A nice change of pace from the city. "Fine, fine. I'll tell Myungsoo."
"Great! Don't forget to bring condoms and lube, by the way. Especially the lube, because I probably won't be able to lend you mine."
"Okay - wait, what? Hello? Hello? Ugh, damnit, Xing."
Three days later, Lu Han laid on a chaise lounge under a rented umbrella on the sands of Jeju covered in suntan lotion. He had flopped down moments after securing their spot on the soft white sand, with no intention of moving anytime soon, no matter how much Yixing and Ziyu tried to convince him to come along for a swim. Haowen stayed quiet throughout the exchange, glancing every now and then at Ziyu then at his feet. Eventually Yixing muttered a curse in their native tongue and Ziyu had stuck his tongue out, dragging Haowen by the wrist. Now he was watching his son play with Yixing and Haowen along the shoreline, trying hard not to imagine Ziyu swept away by a riptide or attacked by an unseen great white shark poised just off the shore waiting for one of the many swimmers to venture out of their comfort zones.
He shook his head, forcing the negative thoughts out. Instead, he tried looking around the beach for some of the so-called hotties with swimmers' bodies. Some beachgoers were pleasant to the eyes (Definitely getting your number if I can, sweetcheeks, Lu Han thought as a Brazilian-looking modelesque hunk passed him by in a teeny thong showing tanned ass cheeks), while others were downright shameless, walking around with a beer gut or underboobs showing under a barely-there bikini top.
"I win, I win!"
Lu Han looked back at the shore to see Ziyu running toward the little tent with Haowen in pursuit, Yixing not far behind but jogging at far more relaxed pace. Ziyu flung himself into Lu Han's arms, crowing "I beat Haowen-ge!" victoriously. Lu Han reached for Ziyu's baby blue towel flung over the lounge, Ziyu gurgling happily as Lu Han swaddles him.
"Hold still, baby, so baba can dry you off."
"But babaaaa, I beat Haowen-ge!" Ziyu said happily, squirming in his lap. There's a please wriggle of his shoulders when Lu Han dried his hair and it endlessly delights Lu Han to see Ziyu unconsciously tucking himself closer into Lu Han's chest.
Lu Han expected Haowen to throw some kind of fit because he looked so surly in general, but instead he smiled. Haowen was taller and had longer legs; Lu Han suspected he let Ziyu win even though he looked like the type who'd hate to lose. "You're a really good runner," he said quietly, a hint of breathlessness in his voice.
Meanwhile, Yixing stood behind Haowen with a fond smile of his own. Then he clutched a hand to his chest dramatically. "Don't forget, you beat me, too!" He turned to Lu Han with a grin. "Your kid is fast. Baby, do you know you have a possible future in Chelsea?"
"Hey, no devil's talk while I'm here," Lu Han said, picking some sand up and flinging them at Yixing's leg, which the other deftly dodged. Haowen, surprised, ran up to to Lu Han and hid behind the lounge chair.
"Baba, I wanna sand Uncle's leg, too!"
Lu Han smiled sweetly at Ziyu. "Be my guest," he said, and poured a bit of sand on Ziyu's waiting palm. He tilted his head toward Haowen. "Do you want to sand your Uncle, too?"
Haowen shook his head vigorously, staring at Ziyu as he did. Lu Han suspected Haowen would relish the opportunity to fling stuff at Yixing, but since Ziyu was there, he was trying to be a little nicer, or whatever version of "cool" toddlers found appealing.
Yixing shrieked in a rather unmanly fashion, obviously exaggerated, when Ziyu clumsily flung sand at his foot. He even jumped a foot in the air, which Lu Han was pretty sure was staged.
Ziyu gasped, eyes suddenly big and wet. "I'm sorry, Uncle! Did it hurt?"
Yixing nodded solemnly, sniffing. "You got me good."
"Does Uncle wanna sit down so the foot can get better?"
Yixing scrunched his nose, tilting his head, eyes off into the distance for a split second. Lu Han didn't miss it - it only meant Yixing had spotted his next man-slash-prey. Yixing saw Ziyu's crestfallen expression, promptly bent over and ruffled Ziyu's hair with a laugh. "Nah. I'll go play by myself for a bit, is that okay, baby?"
"Mm!"
"Go play some more prince and princess in a sandcastle with Ziyu and I'll be back in a jiffy," Yixing called to Haowen, winking. Haowen's face flushed faint pink. Lu Han sincerely hoped he'd only imagined it.
Lu Han motioned for Haowen to come closer, reaching for the spare towel to wrap him in and dry off.
"Baba, can Haowen-ge and I play in the far water?"
Far water meant beyond the shoreline. "No, baby," he chided, poking Ziyu's tiny floaters and Haowen's buoy. "These aren't good for the sea. But I guess you can later, when Uncle Yixing comes back after whatever adventure he'd gone off to. And you know, at this time of the year..." He purposely widened his eyes for effect. "The sharks come out of their hiding places."
"Wah, I don't wanna get eaten!" Ziyu squealed.
"I-I'll protect Ziyu," Haowen piped up, quite bravely. "From all the sharks! Even the jellyfish! I'll p-punch them and kick them and-"
Lu Han chuckled, pinching Haowen's cheek. "But you're a baby yourself! Babies can't protect other babies."
"I'm a knight, I can fight, too!"
Haowen pursed his little mouth in a way that Lu Han found extremely cute for such a stony-faced child. "Knights can't fight jellyfish! Jellyfish are blobs!"
Ziyu crossed his arms petulantly. "If Sehunnie-gege was here... Sehunnie-gege isn't a baby! He'd fight the jellies!"
Lu Han frowned. So did Haowen. "But he's mean-looking," he said firmly, as if that was the end of the argument.
"You're mean-looking too, gege!" Ziyu giggled. "But you like Mr. Snuggles like I like Mr. Snuggles. Baba says when you like puppies, 'cos I like puppies, it means your heart is really squishyyyy-"
"I'm not squishy!" Haowen protested. "Puppies are just really cool!"
"Yeah!" It's just like Ziyu to change his mood from vaguely peevish to cheerful in a millisecond. "Puppies are... so..." His voice faded; he blinked rapidly then suddenly let out a huge yawn. Lu Han's heart melted at Ziyu's adorable face, and apparently so did Haowen's, with the way his face rapidly grew pink.
Lu Han made a mental note, Remind Yixing to check Haowen's temp.
"Okay, you two. I think it's time for your afternoon nap." Lu Han stood up, Ziyu in his arms. Haowen took his free hand and they turned around to head back-
"So soon? You kids haven't even built a real sandcastle yet!"
Ziyu gasped loudly, like he'd seen all his favorite cartoon characters assembled on the beach. "Jonginnie-gege!"
"Look who I found!" Yixing's grin was excessively devious. Lu Han had the sudden urge to wring his neck and throw him into the sea.
Jongin swung an arm around Yixing's shoulders, raising a two-fingered salute. "Yo, Lulu. 'Sup?"
"What the f- what are you doing here?"
Jongin shrugged carelessly. "Taking a well-deserved vacay, of course. Got the week off from the big boss. And how have you been, you little rascal?" He tickled Ziyu's chin, and Ziyu wriggled like a toddler-sized worm (an incredibly cute one, mind you) in Lu Han's arms. "I heard you like puppies. I should've brought my dogs! You'll love Jjangah, he just turned two months old a week ago."
"I love doggies!" Ziyu said.
"I have a doggie, too! At home!" Haowen spoke, tugging at Ziyu's leg, looking like he almost sulking. He peered at Jongin, then looked down at his feet, glaring at nothing in particular.
Yixing picked Haowen up by the waist. "Someone's getting cranky. Time for your nap, little mister!"
"I don't need one! I'm six!" Haowen protested, twisting in Yixing's arms.
"Hey, hey, no funny business while I'm carrying you, or we'll both fall and your mother will kill me if she finds you with a concussion," Yixing was saying, already trekking across the sand back to their villa, ignoring a loudly whining Haowen. "Calm down, Wen... Uncle will buy you some ice cream later if you're good..."
Jongin looked on, amused. "That kid doesn't seem to like me. Good thing this little pumpkin here does!"
Lu Han none too subtly rolled his eyes. "You think?", he attempted to say, but it fell on deaf ears as Jongin's fingers skittered across Ziyu's stomach, eliciting wild giggles.
"Jongin, I have to take Ziyu up now."
"Alright. Have a good nap, Ziyu-yah." Jongin backed off with a smile and a one final pinch to Ziyu's cheek. Lu Han noticed how people behind them were walking by and whispering how Jongin was probably one of the hottest guys on the beach, though the bar was pretty low. Really. His (admittedly well-formed) pecs looked like it had been doused in a copious amount of bronzing oil. Or gasoline.
"-Tequila shots at the bar?"
Lu Han blinked. "Pardon?"
Jongin chuckled. "I was saying me, you and Yixing can go grab some deep-fried chicken skin and tequila shots when the kids are asleep. The bar here makes 'em totally fantastic. I'm bringing a friend over too, if that's okay."
Lu Han frowned. "I don't know... someone should be in the room with the boys."
"Come on, don't tell me you don't have some kind of child-monitoring device set up in the room. Plus, if it's that much of a worry we can request one of the bellboys to look after them. I've been coming here for a few years and there's one that's great with kids, really trustworthy. I'll pay for it," he added, when Lu Han opened his mouth to protest. "It'll be great! Just us guys. And my friend... he's cool. You'll probably like him."
"I bet he's as charming as you, huh?"
Jongin didn't skulk away like he intended, and instead laughed heartily, clapping him on the shoulder. "Yep. Maybe even a liiiittle bit more for some people." He looked pointedly at Lu Han, who raised a brow in reply. "Anyway, catch ya later. Still have to do a bit of cruising, if you know what I mean."
Two hours, after Yixing and Lu Han had sufficiently worn the two boys out running around the room and jumping on the bed, they went down to the bar to meet Jongin and his friend. They had the hardest time tucking Ziyu to bed because he was simply too excited at being in a new place with a new friend and his baba and uncle. It didn't help that Haowen gave him his extra packet of mini jellybeans.
"I bet he gets his energy from you," Yixing said as they were walking. Yixing was wearing a hideous palm tree-covered Hawaiian shirt and neon pink shorts, so Lu Han tried his best not to snort with laughter everytime Yixing so much as moved in front. "I'd also say he gets his willful disregard for your sanity from Sehun, but that sounds too harsh..."
Lu Han cuffed him on the shoulder just as Yixing pointed to a far-off point. "There he is!"
"Hey, glad you two can make it," Jongin called them over. He was wearing gold-tinted aviators even though it was almost 4 pm, looking like a douche overall. He did look good in his plain gray tank and board shorts, but that was beside the point. "Sit, sit! Would you like some Long Island Iced Tea to start off? Or Tequila shots go first?"
"I'll have a beer," Lu Han said, same time as Yixing crowed, "Tequila, woohoo!"
"He has a lower tolerance." Lu Han grabbed Yixing by the arm and sat him down the stool across Jongin's. "Is there a chance there's light tequila here or something?"
"No such thing as light here."
Lu Han looked around, finding no one who seemed to recognize Jongin. "Where's your friend?"
Jongin waved him off. "Eh, he'll come by when he feels like it. Let's drink!"
Thirty minutes later, Yixing was having an uncontrollable giggling fit, Jongin was laughing and patting Yixing's cheek, and Lu Han was feeling relaxed himself, having downed two huge glasses of Heineken.
"I wish I can undress people with my mind. It'd be so much more fun walking around the beach seeing hot guys with dick and balls hanging out. Girls with nice boobs, too." Yixing said, giggling. He looked at the bottom of his second shot. "How is this empty. This wasn't empty two minutes ago."
"You drank it, dumbass." Lu Han grinned smugly at him. Yixing behaved like part-babbling madman, part-cuddle monster when drunk. He was willing to wager there actual madmen who behaved with greater dignity and self-resraint, especially when Yixing seemed to be leaning into Jongin's touches, seeming about ready to curl up into his lap and wag his figurative tail.
"I can see you're all ready for another round," said someone behind Lu Han.
Yixing suddenly bolted upright. "Hi, Sehun!" he screamed, opening his arms wide in greeting, then he stumbled and looked down. "Woah. Why is the floor moving. Holy fucking hell, is the ground opening up on me? Am I going to hell? Why now?! I'm still ten celebrities short of 'number of guys corrupted in my entire lifetime' list!"
"Hyung, the floor's still here," Sehun said soothingly, steadying Yixing by the shoulders. How the fuck did Sehun get here and why oh why did he have to look so good in a sleeveless black shirt.
"There's something wrong with this shot," Yixing said, flushed and indignant and oblivious to Lu Han having a mini-meltdown, "It keeps disappearing and it's a device from hell!"
"Aw, man, he's an amazing drunk, but I'm kinda scared he'll fall off the stool if he manages to get another shot down," Jongin said, just as the bartender came around again, and he yelled, "Get this lightweight a soda, please."
"And some water," Sehun added.
"'M not a lightweight!" Yixing grunted. "And soda's for pussies. I'm not a pussy. I'm Zhang Yixing."
"No, you're Zhang Ziyi," Jongin returned, grinning wickedly.
Yixing leaned closer, eyes wide. "I am?!"
Lu Han punched Jongin on the chest. "Stop confusing the poor guy!"
"Ow, not on the boob!"
"Pretty sure that's not a boob, unless you count manboob-"
"Whatever! Sehun, tell your princess to stop punching me!"
Lu Han tensed. "I'm not anyone's princess."
Sehun sat down, and to Lu Han's dismay the only free seat was on his left. Damnit. "Yep, Lu Han here's nobody's princess. He's beat me tons of times in arm wrestling. And in Fifa Cup."
Jongin began singing, throwing his hands up in the air and eliciting yet another drunken giggle from Yixing, "All the women, independent, throw your hands above meeee - jesus, no need to be so violent, Lu Han!"
Lu Han turned his attention to Sehun. "And what are you doing here, anyway? Are you two a couple?" He pointed to the space between Sehun and Jongin, and his pitch definitely did not go a notch higher. Then he remembered he and Sehun weren't supposed to be talking, turning away and crossing his arms.
"Someone regressed to teenage girlhood," Yixing slurred.
Lu Han ignored that. "Have you been here all this time?
"Seriously, Lu Han, now you're the dumbass if you haven't figured it out yet. Obviously Sehun planned this entire trip."
If Lu Han hadn't already finished his beer, he would probably be wearing it. He whipped his head, staring at Sehun. "What? Is that true?"
Sehun gave him a smile that was equal parts cheerful and sheepish, rubbing the back of his neck. "I did. The owner's my Dad's friend from college and he kinda owes my Dad, so he allowed a free stay for all of us."
"And free use of all amenities! Really nice of him to let me have the jacuzzi suite," Jongin added.
"Are you also staying in that jacuzzi suite?" Lu Han blurted out, before he had the chance to think better of it.
Sehun blinked. "No, his suite is on the floor above mine."
Yixing eyes became a lot more focused. "You have the jacuzzi suite? Can I see?"
"Sure, babe. If you let me see your..." Jongin glanced down the length of Yixing's body. "Special amenities, too."
Yixing smiled sweetly. "Now?"
"Hey, stop that, you're supposed to be incoherent." One of Lu Han's fingers jabbed Yixing in the chin.
"Um, he's hot and I've been kinda horny all morning," said Yixing.
"Forward. I like that," Jongin said unhelpfully.
"I'm not drunk enough for this," Lu Han sighed.
"Mind having another one with me, then?" Sehun said, nudging his shoulder.
Lu Han glanced back at Yixing and Jongin flirting like disgusting highschoolers, then motioned for Sehun to pass him the beer.
Another thirty minutes and some very, very small talk later, the night had so far consisted of Sehun chatting him up, Lu Han grunting his replies and Yixing and Jongin looking like they were about shove their tongues down each other's throats any given second. Well, at least Lu Han was assured Jongin had no interest in getting his snake claws under Sehun's pants.
Wait, why do I care if he does?
"I don't care, I don't care, I don't fucking care," Lu Han muttered to himself, nursing his bottle as he tried not to throw some chicken skin strips at Yixing.
Another ten minutes passed and Lu Han was already on his fifth beer, chugging alcohol like water. He'd always been a good drinker - hell, he even won a few beer pong competitions back when he was first in Uni, substituting for Yixing who was always dumb enough to challenge people even though even knew his habit of dropping dead after a few sips of wine cooler. Meanwhile, Sehun was on his third, and he was chuckling low and warm, brushing his knuckles lightly down Lu Han's side. Lu Han's body shifted closer of its accord. Sehun slipped his arm low around Lu Han's waist, fingers dancing lightly over the thin material of his loose cotton button-up.
The ridiculous thin button-up he had on wasn't nearly enough for the chill of the late afternoon breeze, nor Sehun's touch.
"Yo, bros! Last one to finish their bottle has to skinny-dip at the nudist beach!"
Yixing was obviously out of the competition. And Lu Han already had five bottles, for pete's sake. So obviously, he lost by a wide margin.
"No, no, no!" he wailed, red in the face as he pointed a finger at Jongin. "You - you cheater! You both went too fast! I call a rematch!"
"Not my problem if you're too slow!"
"Is there even a nudist beach in this place?! This is Jeju fucking island! It's supposed to be family-friendly!"
"It is. Entire families can go there in the buff. They're separated from the adults without kids, but the fact is they can still go there nude. You obviously didn't do your research. It's a ten-minute drive from this place, but it's pretty sweet. I've been there twice, the people are generally nice, great staff, the works."
"No amount of staff niceness is going to make up for the amount of saggy old European tourist balls I'll be seeing in that place."
"If it's any consolation, for every dozen old man scrota there will probably be one or two really nice pairs."
"I'll go with you," Sehun said suddenly. "I got second place, anyway. Jongin's the only winner."
"-Paying my therapy bills for the next ten years - what?"
Sehun shrugged, saying calmly, "I'm coming with you."
Yixing had a wicked glint in his eyes. "As in, you're willing to go nude with Lu Han?"
"Yeah, sure."
"Believe me, it's not as if they haven't seen each other naked lots of times before," Jongin said, already out of his seat and slapping a few bills on the table. "It'll be a piece of cake for these two."
"T-that's not the point! I'm not walking around naked in a beach while my kid is on the same island! I'm not gonna watch people have sex on the sand!"
"You're confusing nude beaches with sex beaches. Last time I checked, it's still illegal to screw in public." Jongin sighed, mock-pouting. "What a shame. They could make some real money off a sex beach. Maybe I should buy some land and few miles of beach and start my own."
"... Sex beaches are a thing?" Sehun asked skeptically.
"Don't get too excited, big boy," Yixing said.
"Lu Han, what you need is another beer before we leave," Jongin said solemnly, shoving the last beer into his hands (Where did that come from? Wasn't the bucket empty like, ten seconds ago?). "Relax, it'll be fun. Sehun will be there to make sure no crazy European tourist tackles you. And he'll be naked too!"
He'll be naked, too.
He'll be naked, too.
The prospect isn't supposed to excite him so much.
"Can I at least bring my iPhone out? Or is there really a no picture-taking policy even for phones?" Yixing said, pouting at the sign.
They managed to drive to the beach while the sun was still up, but Jongin and Yixing's faces fell when they found they had to go to a separate area if they weren't going nude.
"Pretty sure that's a breach of some law. Or at the very least, social etiquette," Sehun said, grabbing the extra towels out of the back seat. He still had his board shorts and black tank top on, but now he also wore a pair of wayfarers and a snapback perched jauntily on his head.
Lu Han was still clothed as well. He surreptitiously looked around the parking lot. Most of the people were already naked save for flip-flops. God, help me.
"Let's let these two have their time alone while we go have some fun of our own. There's a seafood bar and grill two minutes away. It's a short walk," Jongin said, arms around Yixing's shoulders, already turning in the opposite direction. He raised an arm, waving without looking back. "See you guys back here in an hour!"
"Ready?" Sehun said, leaning against the car and waiting on Lu Han.
For the nth time, Lu Han asked himself why he was even here and why he'd even agreed to the stupid 'loser's dare'. "Let's get this over with," he said trying to keep his focus straight ahead as they made their way to the beach.
Sehun didn't seem at all concerned, and nobody seemed to be staring at them except for the ones who clucked disapprovingly at their clothes, obviously because they still had them on. Lu Han also didn't miss the way some very naked woman's eyes lingered on Sehun's clothed crotch, and he ignore the possessive lurch in his stomach.
"Have you gone skinny-dipping before?" Sehun asked.
"Not since highschool. Never done it sober either." Myungsoo gave him a good talking after catching him naked on the beach with his highschool buddies. He didn't dare look Lu Han in the eye either, probably embarrassed to see Lu Han in his natural, nubile state when he wouldn't even allow Lu Han to kiss him then.
"So it's a good thing you're not that sober now?"
"Yeah, or I'd be thinking about this more than I already am."
"This an okay spot?" Sehun gestured to the expanse of sand below his feet. It didn't look any different from the any other spot. He carefully laid the huge yellow towel on the sand.
Then he stripped his tank off, followed by the shorts.
Lu Han's mind goes blank. He'd been privy to Sehun's naked upper half for weeks on end now, more than enough to know that Sehun hid some fine, lean muscle underneath his clothes. But - shit. He'd probably get arrested if he ogled too long at Sehun's dick dangling between his legs. He was big, even when soft. A thin layer of sweat reflected the light off the skin of his broad shoulders and inner thighs. And why the hell were people staring at Sehun's pale white skin reflecting the late sun, were they allowed to give a fuck?
"Lu Han, you have to take your clothes off. People don't look happy."
People are jealous because they're not the one with you. Lu Han huffed and removed his button-down, then his shorts and briefs until they pooled at his feet. He quickly bent down, ass up in the air, to pick his and Sehun's clothes up and put them on the towel.
He didn't miss the way Sehun bit his lower lip.
"I almost forgot the lotion." Sehun cleared his throat, whipping the sunscreen out from the small knapsack he'd brought. "Turn around."
"What? But-"
"Lu Han, I've seen everything there is to see," Sehun said with a small laugh. "And so has everyone else here."
Lu Han grudgingly turned around. Sehun's hands settled against his back, massaging cool lotion onto his skin. He began in big circles around his fram, then wide stripes up and down his spine, then he concentrated on Lu Han's lower back, opening and closing his palm around it.
"Do you burn easily?"
"A bit. I don't go to the beach enough to find out."
"Then we'll come to the beach more often, yeah?"
Sehun's hands went lower against Lu Han's back, and it felt so good, dissolving away all the kinks along his spine in the process. It was sort of a good thing Sehun didn't make him lie down, or he'd be humping the towel and moaning pathetically right about now.
"Let's float?" He closed the flip-cap, tossed the bottle onto the towel and gently tugged on Lu Han's hand, sloughing through the sand on their way to the shore. "I'm not gonna drop you this time. Well. Not in the deeper parts, anyway."
"You're kind of a dick, you know," Lu Han muttered, cupping his crotch self-consciously with his free hand. It was a desperate attempt to alleviate the sudden twitching of his dick at the sight of Sehun's magnificent S-curve ass where it flares out from his spine, firm thighs and strong calves, the muscles shifting underneath his skin with every he took towards the shore.
He wasn't gonna pop a boner this time, hell to the no.
There was an absolute ease with which Sehun moved along the beach, as if being naked in front of hundreds of strangers was the most natural thing.
Now if only he were imagining the people looking at Sehun's junk.
"That's nice, isn't it?" Sehun said with a smile as they started to walk into the warm water, droplets spraying up and alighting on the hair of his thighs as they waded out deeper until they're past waist-level.
Lu Han nodded, sighing as the water buoyed him, relaxing the strain on his muscles caused by, well, seeing Sehun again for one, and leaving Ziyu at the villa. He felt free, the worries plaguing him briefly suspended He closed his eyes as the gentle sway of water, combined with the slight inebriation, lulled him into an easy float, smiling as the water ran through his hair, loosening the strands.
It felt surprisingly great to have his dick and balls sloshing around in the water.
Of course he had to stand upright sometime, so when he chose a particular time to do so, he found to his horror that: one, Sehun was gone; two, his feet weren't touching any sort of flat ground. Naturally, he panicked, kicking up a storm, splashing and flailing like a dying animal. "Augh, Sehun!" he spluttered between moments under the water and going up for air.
A pair of arms wrapped around Lu Han's waist from under the water, pushing him up. It made him both immediately nervous and relieved.
Sehun's head popped out the water. He hooked one arm over Lu Han's upper back, the other lapping at the water to hold them both up. "Are you okay? I'll bring us back to the shore."
Lu Han felt Sehun's dick brush against his thighs as he turned and instructed Lu Han to go on his back and wrap his arms around Sehun's shoulders. A little frisson of forbidden pleasure immediately shoots down his spine as Sehun's skin rubbed lightly against his own, the motion of the water meaning Lu Han felt it ripple down his thighs and up over his belly.
They reached the water level where they'd first started, and Lu Han's feet touched ground.
Sehun brought his hand to cup his cheek. "Tell me, are you okay?"
There was so much worry, so much love in his eyes that Lu Han couldn't help but press their chests and hips together, wrapping his hand around Sehun's nape and pressing their lips together for a salty kiss.
And it is cut off by, of all people, Sehun.
"Lu Han, you're not thinking right. You're drunk," Sehun said gently, brushing Lu Han's wet bangs out of his eyes.
Lu Han's stomach filled with bubbling furiousness. "I hold my alcohol better than you!"
"But still." And Sehun kissed him on the corner of his lips, so tenderly it made Lu Han guilty for suddenly lashing out, "I don't want you to regret anything. Let's go back."
Lu Han went back to the suite feeling embarrassed, and a lot more sober than he was at the beach. The word 'rejected' had a hard time making its way out of his mouth when Jongin asked him what had crawled up his nether regions and died as he slid into the passenger seat and sulked in a decidedly adult manner for the rest of the trip. Words felt stuck down his throat, aching, going back and forth from throat to gut, when Sehun asked if he wanted someone to accompany him to his floor.
"No, thanks," he managed. Yixing had long gone with Jongin to try out the much-hyped jacuzzi.
Sehun nodded. "Alright. If you need anything, my suite is 21A."
He turned sharply on his heel and walked away.
Their suite was five floors below Sehun. When he reached the door, he bowed, thanked the bellboy and tipped him with Jongin's money, and entered. Ziyu and Haowen were huddled together under the comforters, Ziyu latched onto Haowen's arm as they watched reruns of Tales of the Crypt Keeper on the widescreen tv. Ziyu pulled the comforters back and jumped into his arms.
"I missed you!" Ziyu peppered sloppy kisses on his face when Lu Han bent to give him a tight hug. He wrinkled his nose. "You smell funny, baba."
He sighed, smoothing Ziyu's hair. He'd taken a shower at the beach but apparently that wasn't enough to rid him of the smell. "Sorry, baby. Baba's gonna shower up."
Hours later, several things concurred, making him think of doing something he wouldn't dream of doing if he was not in that place, at that time. It was nearing 2 am, the boys were fast asleep, Yixing had returned with a shit-eating grin and a slight limp, and he couldn't sleep. Maybe he was still drunk, given the lurching slowness of some of his movements. Or maybe he had grown obsessed in that short interval from beach to suite - obsessed with the idea of undoing that rejection. How could that happen? Didn't Sehun want him? He'd been teasing him, his body taunting Lu Han's self-control every damn day, and his words, and that smile when he told Lu Han he loved him...
Making sure Yixing was knocked out on his bed, he carefully shed his sleeping robe, then all his clothes, then tied the robe back, the soft, thin fabric barely warm enough to keep him from shivering.
Sehun might be dead asleep at this time, but for some reason he felt confident. He sauntered up to Sehun's door wearing, pressing the bell.
After about twenty times, Sehun finally opened the door. He wore sweatpants, had a bedhead and had the most adorably bewildered expression.
"Lu Han?" he said, deliberately slow. He sounded rough around the edges. "Is something wrong?"
"Are we doing this or not?"
"What?" For someone with an affinity for literature, Sehun's brain sure couldn't get with the program fast enough. "Doing...?"
"Sex, Sehun."
And Lu Han untied his robe.
It either didn't have the intended jaw-drop effect or Sehun was pretending to be calm. Then again, Sehun had seen him nude less than twenty-four hours ago. "You're naked in the middle of the hallway and some poor sleepwalking child might see you. Come inside. Do you want a drink?"
"I'm not playing here," he said, kicking his robe to the side. He went inside, and closed to the door. "I know what you've been thinking. It's right in front of you, so what are you gonna do about it?"
Sehun couldn't help but laugh, loud and long, at the offended way in which Lu Han said these words. As though he's appalled by the very idea of lowering himself to such prosaic tactics.
"And if I say, no, Lu Han, please go back to bed, you'll what? Make me do something?"
Go back to bed, not come to bed. What a world of difference in one word, he thought mournfully.
His shoulders drooped of its own accord, but he soldiered on. "Yes."
In a romantic comedy this would be Sehun's cue to look at him with exasperated affection, give in to the moment and seize Lu Han masterfully in his arms and kiss him till his knees bucked. Unfortunately, Sehun didn't seem to recognize his cue, the bastard.
His nervousness evaporated, replaced with quiet determination, mixed with disbelief and anger. He was offering himself on a golden platter, and this was what he'd get?
He backed up towards the wall, pulling a stunned Sehun with him by the shoulder.
"If you don't touch me properly right now, I won't be answerable for my actions," he warned. His fingers dug into Sehun's bare shoulders. There was only the berserk, frantic need to get his hands on as much as Sehun's skin as possible. He pushes his hand down Sehun's back, groaning at the solid heat of his flesh, the wonderfully solid sensation of Sehun's cock near his hip.
"Lu Han-"
He locked one arm around Sehun's neck. "If you say no to this I will rip your heart out," he said, and kissed Sehun hard, wheedling his tongue in between Sehun's lips.
Then he stopped. Pulled back.
"Why aren't you kissing back?" Lu Han whispered. He pounded his fist against Sehun's chest. It must have hurt, but Sehun let him. "Why aren't you kissing back?"
"You're not yourself," Sehun said simply, eyes sad. "You have to sleep this off. You'll feel better in the morning."
"I've already had a few hours to get sober, idiot!"
"I know, but you're still not completely sober. Your eyes - still bloodshot."
"So? I'm talking like a normal person, right? You can understand me." Lu Han clenched his fist. "But I don't understand you, Sehun. What do you really want from me? I thought you wanted me."
"I do, Lu Han. I always do. But I told you... not like this."
Lu Han chuckled bitterly, looking away. "You don't know what you want. How can you say you do when it's standing in front of you and you won't even grab it?"
"I know I don't like waking up every morning without seeing you next to me. I know I want to be the one who makes you happy everyday. I know I want to be the one to tuck Ziyu in at night while you read him bedtime stories. I want nothing but a life with you. Nothing can erase the past, our mistakes... but I want the rest of my life making more stupid mistakes, happy mistakes, this time with you by my side."
For the second time that night, Lu Han fell silent.
Sehun cupped Lu Han's jaw in his hand, tracing his thumb across his lower lip.
Lu Han shuddered slightly at the touch, closing his eyes. "Can I..." Sehun wrapped his arms around his shoulders, gently tugging Lu Han's head down onto his shoulder. Lu Han breathed out against the soft, sensitive skin beneath Sehun's ear. "Come back?"
"We both got lost, didn't we? But I'll always be here waiting, like I've waited before. I'll wait however long it takes, for you to come back to me."
Lu Han felt tears well up in his eyes. He hid his face in Sehun's shoulder. "You've suffered so much because of me, haven't you? And yet... you still love me..."
"I can take it. Having you here, back in Korea, eased a lot of it," Sehun said, chuckling.
"But for long? How long can you take it?"
"If I knew when the limit, can you still call it love?" Sehun kissed the top of Lu Han's head. "I'm sorry, Lu Han. I love you. Don't cry, please."
Lu Han held on tighter. His tears flowed faster the more Sehun rained soothing kisses on his crown.
"I'm sorry, Sehun. I'm sorry."
INTERLUDE: Ziyu and Haowen
Haowen became friends with Ziyu because Ziyu's dad and Haowen's favorite uncle Yixing spent so much time together.
On Saturday mornings when Ziyu's baba had university classes and his Uncle Yixing was free to babysit, he would bring Haowen over to play with Ziyu, who was then four and much smaller in stature and build. Haowen was six and had many, many friends, but then none of them were quite like Ziyu.
Ziyu was thin but his cheeks were round and pink, with his expensive clothes looking like they were barely hanging off his shoulders. He was also really, really pretty. Kind of like a girl when he smiled and giggled, except he wasn't annoying and he didn't have girl-germs that made him itch.
What caught his attention at first aside from Ziyu being really pretty, was the fact that Ziyu's parents were unlike his own - Ziyu had two daddies. His baba was pretty like Ziyu, his hair a light blonde that made Haowen want to touch and pet it. His eyes seemed to twinkle when he smiled, like rippling water, and when he laughed only then would he look his age. His appa was a very busy man, so Haowen had only seen him once. He was handsome and spoke gently, but he didn't look much like Ziyu.
Ziyu's baba had a friend who looked like Ziyu, though. He often visited during the days when Ziyu's baba was there but Ziyu's appa wasn't. It was weird how they looked so alike. Did Ziyu know? Was it only Haowen who noticed? This man was was tall, broad-shouldered and looked scary on some days. His skin was pale and smooth like Ziyu's. That's all. Haowen didn't like looking at him much.
Most of his playmates liked to wrestle on mud and play games on the dirt, but Ziyu preferred to play with cuddly toys and have sleepovers. His hair always smelled sweet because he loved strawberry shampoo. He was scared of playing most sports except for soccer. Haowen even took a ball to the head one time when Ziyu attempted to teach him. Another time, Ziyu's ball hit the window and they hid under the bed when Ziyu's baba became a little red in the face like he was about to burst at the seams.
During the time they hid under the bed, his arm around Ziyu's shoulders, hip bumping against hip, he felt his heart beat faster. His face had gone hot, too. Ziyu asked him if he was okay then, and he said yes. But in reality, his stomach was doing sommersaults. One for every second that passed under the bed, and that was a long time to feel clammy and nervous.
It was also during this time that Ziyu liked looking at one of his uncles, Uncle Jongin. He was tall and strong and handsome. Haowen didn't like him much either. He was so much better-looking than Uncle Jongin, so why did Ziyu keep looking at him and not at Haowen? He had to do something.
"Uncle, what are they doing?" he asked his Uncle Yixing one day. Ziyu had fallen asleep in his lap while Haowen was on the floor watching tv with him. The girl and boy on the screen were sticking their mouths together and they looked kinda gross.
"They're kissing. That's a grown-up activity."
"Why?"
"Why kiss or why for grown-ups?"
"Why kiss? Eww."
His Uncle Yixing laughed like he knew a secret but couldn't tell. "You'll find out when you're older."
"No fair, that's what mom tells me, too!"
"Well, your mom's right. But if you want to know so bad... people kiss because they love each other. Well, most of the time. The other reasons why people kiss that's something you learn."
"In school?" His teachers didn't tell them about this kinda stuff. What did he learn about mouths? Only that they needed to be brushed three times a day.
"No. In life."
Uncle Yixing was really weird.
But he knew what love was. Love was when you went out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs. Love was when you gave somebody the part of the chicken you wanted to eat the most, because you wanted them to be happy. He was pretty sure he'd given Ziyu all his candy and chicken nuggets even when Ziyu didn't ask for it. That was love. Uncle Jongin didn't give Ziyu any of his chicken nuggets. Ever. How could he love Ziyu?
So one day, when Ziyu's baba, dad, and Uncle Jongin were knocking at the door, he tackled Ziyu to the couch and wouldn't let him move until Uncle Yixing was at the door.
"No, no, no!" he chanted, "Stay here."
"Gegeeeee," Ziyu said, looking like he was about to cry. "Jonginnie-gegeeee - wah-"
Haowen pressed his mouth to Ziyu's. It was wet and Ziyu tasted like gummybears. He pulled back, and wiped his mouth after, declaring loudly, "Jonginnie-gege will never share his fries with you! Pay attention to me!"
"Well, this is awkward," Jongin said as he walked into the room, just as Lu Han screamed, "My baby!"
--
Haowen grew out of the puppy love phase eventually, like one grew out of old toys and baby clothes. Unfortunately, what replaced it was a torrent of unspeakable feelings that he'd rather hide. He would not kiss his best friend in the world. He would not stare as Ziyu did his homework on his desk. He'd stay on the bed and read comic books until the end of time. Uh-huh.
Then suddenly, Ziyu's whining, "I'm hungry. Ge, let's get some food downstairs." His big eyes had a crazy glint. "Or! We could make some food ourselves. I want to try making pasta!"
Ziyu bounced up his seat and literally dragged Haowen out of his nice, warm, comfortable sanctuary to land on the cold, hard floor.
"Ow," Haowen said, not moving. "Christ, this floor is cold."
Ziyu huffed out a giggle. "Up, lazy. Food's a-waiting." He reached down and gripped Haowen's elbow, hauling him to his feet.
"It's cold outside!" Haowen protested, sluggishly bumping into Ziyu's shoulder.
"Aaaw, the big baby needs some heat," Ziyu teased, dragging the last word out. He laughed and enveloped Haowen in a hug. "There. Warm enough?"
Somewhere along the way, Ziyu had decided dying his hair bubblegum pink was a great idea. It was even encouraged by his Dad. Funny how things turn out in the end. The same man Haowen thought looked uncannily like Ziyu turned out to be his other real father. He also turned out to be, in his own words, a 'hair chalk abuser' during his own time as a highschool student. No wonder Ziyu was so keen to experiment.
And okay, it kind of was. Nevermind that Haowen thought it would turn to be one those things Ziyu would definitely regret in the morning. It was actually kind of nice burying his face in it. It looked and felt as soft as cotton candy.
He was so whipped.
"Uh, I'd like to ask for permission, to, uh, to court-"
"No."
"But-"
"Did I stutter?
"Lu Han, come on. Loosen up. Ziyu's eighteen, why wouldn't he be allowed to date?"
"Yeah, baba! Dad has a point. I'm mature enough to date and so is Haowen. Please?"
"I said no!"
Lu Han looked like entire generations' worth of descendants were murdered in front of his eyes. Haowen winced, inadvertently squeezing Ziyu's hand tighter; he didn't expect such a violent reaction from who he perceived as the gentler of the pair. Apparently, Lu Han was alpha wolf when it came to making any kind of decision concerning Ziyu. Sehun's word was as good as ambient music to their conversation.
"Exactly. He's just eighteen. Do you know what could happen at eighteen? I'm not planning on having more kids in this house. No more diaper changes and sleepless night. And I'm not assembling a crib again even if you torture me."
Ziyu looked appalled at the very idea. Sehun laughed, turning back to Haowen. "You'll have to excuse your uncle Lu Han here. He's just a little scared our son will end up becoming too much like him as a teenager."
That earned him a smack on the face - "I know what you're implying, Oh Sehun!" - and a horrified scream of "Dad, what are you saying!"
INTERLUDE 2 - FATHERS' DAY SPECIAL in which Sehun and Lu Han watch Ziyu's first school play.
addendum 1: there's morning sex.
addendum 2: sehun's pov (!!!)
Sehun woke up earlier than Lu Han. It wasn't unusual but he liked times like these when he got to watch Lu Han sleep. Lu Han was like a bee flitting from one place to the other when awake, running his parents' business by day, finishing his doctoral dissertation by night. It was nice to see him relaxed, snoring lightly, lying on his stomach with his cheek pressing down the pillow.
He traced two fingers along either side of Lu Han's spine. The curve of his back was distinctly elegant - something which may have been from years of football, or simply God-given. Lu Han had laughed him off when he told him this, saying that he may have mistaken firm calves for his back. But Sehun was nothing if not insistent, especially if it woke Lu Han up.
He really hoped Lu Han woke up soon so they could have fun before attending Ziyu's play. Sure, Lu Han might get cranky and hurl a few pillows at his face, but it's nothing he hadn't handled before. And Sehun could distract him. Yep, that sounded like a solid plan.
He started with a slow, lingering kiss to Lu Han's neck.
Lu Han stirred, groaning, "Mm, morning. Is it... time yet?" Time being haul ass out of bed, shower and get the hell out the house before Ziyu noticed their glaring absence in the audience.
"Not yet." Sehun moved lower and pushed Lu Han's legs apart. They'd slept totally naked the other night only because Ziyu was out the house with an all-nighter at the auditorium for his play. Sehun had walked around the kitchen totally in the buff, greeting Lu Han when he came home in his birthday suit and nothing else.
Lu Han had blinked, his mouth half-open mouth and cheeks both red as a freshly cut carnation. Like he hadn't seen Sehun naked a million times. It would have been enough to make Sehun kiss him senseless if he wasn't preoccupied with being hopelessly confused. "Sehun, you're naked," he'd said, stupidly.
"About time we had a little fun by ourselves in this house, don't you think?" Sehun wiggled his eyebrows suggestively. "What do you say about wearing that little number I bought for you two months ago? It's father's day tomorrow, after all-"
Now Lu Han was glaring at him like he'd just suggested permanently moving to the countryside and becoming farmers. "Sehun, I'm not wearing that - that thing from Victoria's fucking Secret." He pushed past Sehun - in all his naked glory! - without even bothering to take his shoes off, loosening his tie furiously. "I'm not twenty-four anymore, I'm thirty-two, in case you forgot. I'll probably-" Throwing his bag on the couch, muttering more to himself. Sehun winced; that wasn't a good sign. "-look really awful and you'll laugh."
Sehun honestly thought Lu Han had more more cause to be worried of his uncontrollably shaky jaw when laughed, rather than how his slim body would look like in lace. He shook his head, stepping closer and wrapping his arms around Lu Han's waist. Lu Han stiffened a bit, but did not move. "You still don't look a day over twenty. You look beautiful in anything."
"... No one looks good in potato sacks."
"Wanna bet?" Sehun pressed himself harder against Lu Han, feeling the soft cotton of Lu Han's button-down over his bare chest. "I'll bet you a minute of guaranteed no-groping. Tops."
Lu Han turned around. His face wore an expression that was almost unreadable, but Sehun had spent years reading the nuances of Lu Han's face. Definitely some mischief in his eyes.
"I bet ten seconds," Lu Han said.
Sehun smiled, said, "I win either way," and kissed him.
Lu Han ended up naked and under him anyway, the number forgotten.
That was, until this morning.
"How much time do we have?" Lu Han said groggily, propping himself up on his elbows.
"An hour, give or take fifteen."
"Okay. Gimme a sec." Lu Han leaned up for a quick kiss, and got up and out of bed, walking sluggishly to the bathroom for what Sehun assumed was his morning pee and gargle.
When he returned after twenty minutes, Sehun's mouth opened for an idle comment - "Why'd you take so long, did you shower without me - but was left hanging instead.
The blood red panties are starkly contrasted against his milky-white, smooth skin. Too smooth, Sehun realized.
"You shaved?" He choked (choked!) out. That's why Lu Han took so long. That idea sent a blaze of arousal coursing through his veins. The idea of sharp blades dragging along the sensitive skin of the Lu Han's inner thighs and over the dip of his pelvis. Sehun would fuck him the way he wanted, hair or no hair, but the idea alone was pure sex.
"Yeah. You obviously like it. Remember last year when I tried it and you went crazy and almost tried fucking with just spit?" Even as he spoke so nonchalantly, Lu Han's wrist moved, delicate bones underneath pale skin as his finger flexed over the tacky hot pink bow, over the lace. He turned, a smooth spin, graceful and sensuous. He lowered the waistband by millimeters, a tease of the firm curve of his ass revealing itself to Sehun, who was near to a complete state of horny degeneracy.
"Don't you dare laugh," Lu Han warned. "I'm no Miranda Kerr or any of those VS models you liked back in the day, but you wanted this, and I delivered. You better appreciate."
"Fuck Miranda Kerr, who needs her," Sehun said immediately, and Lu Han smirked, pleased.
"Good boy," Lu Han said, low and throaty, turning again and tugging the panties down just below the cleft of his delicious ass.
They were going to be late at this rate, but Sehun didn't have the heart to care...
Until three hours later, when they made it just in time for the middle act of Ziyu's play, a modern retelling of Sleeping Beauty. Ziyu was playing the prince.
"I told you that second round was a bad idea," Sehun whispered.
Lu Han was too busy being horrified at Ziyu's kissing scene to respond.
A minute later, when the princess woke up...
"Oh, Haowen looks good in a blonde wig," Sehun said.
"This is not happening," Lu Han said.
Sehun chuckled, placing his hand on top of Lu Han's. "Happy Father's Day, Lu."
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